How to Tell if a Married Man is Using You: 16 Red Flags

Every sign that the married man you’re dating might actually be taking advantage of you

Co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC and Glenn Carreau

Last Updated: March 26, 2023 References

Dating a married man can feel exciting and intense, but how can you tell when he’s serious and when he’s just using you? Luckily, there are several telltale signs you can look for to determine whether your beau’s feelings are true or not. Remember: no matter how much you care about him, it’s important to take care of yourself too! Keep reading for a complete guide to the signs that a married man is using you and abusing your trust in him, plus tips on how to deal with it.

Things You Should Know

If he’s using you, he might avoid opening up and connecting emotionally with you, instead only talking to you when he wants to be intimate.
He might restrict your contact with him, only allowing you to reach out during certain hours or avoid going on dates with you.
If he’s using you, he may try to lead you on or manipulate you to keep you interested while avoiding any actual commitments to the relationship.

1

The relationship revolves around his schedule.

It's a red flag if you work around his plans, but he won't do the same. When a married guy uses you, it’s all about him: what he needs and when he wants to see you. You might notice that he insists you need to accommodate his busy schedule but doesn’t really care about yours. He might ask you to cancel prior commitments for him but be completely unwilling to show up when you need him.^{[1]
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- Of course, he’ll have work and obligations like anyone else, but the main problem is the lack of balance: if you’re always at his beck and call, and he’s never doing the same, that implies he might be using you.
- You deserve to have a partner who works with you. If he won’t meet you halfway, it might be time to start setting boundaries—like refusing to cancel prior plans just because he wants you to.

2

He won’t introduce you to his friends and family.

He might be hesitant to commit if he won't make your relationship public. When a married man is using you, he’ll try to hide your connection because he doesn’t want it to change other parts of his life. He’ll avoid introducing you to anybody, even his closest friends, and he likely won’t post pictures of you on social media. If you feel like a dirty little secret instead of a partner, he’s likely using you.^{[2]
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- You can have an honest relationship with a married man if he’s separated from his spouse with plans to divorce and be with you, but even then, his spouse should know about you.
- If his spouse, friends, and family don’t know you exist, consider asking him about his reasons and telling him what you want—whether that’s meeting them yourself or simply having him tell them about you.

3

You can only contact him at specific times.

Restricting contact might mean he’s hiding your relationship from others. Does the married man you’re seeing carefully control the times you can get in contact with him? He might tell you that you can only call him between 3 pm and 5 pm or tell you to message him on a specific app. If he’s only available when he wants to be, he might be trying to separate his personal life and relationship with you.^{[3]
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- If you feel like he’s restricting your ability to contact him on purpose, consider asking him why—or letting him know that you need to be able to contact your partner at any time for the relationship to work.
- Restricting communication might also mean he’s lying about his relationship status, either to you or his current spouse (or both).
- If he’s only communicative during certain times, he might be juggling multiple different relationships.

4

He won’t go on dates with you.

If he’s using you, he might care more about sex than dating. Do you enjoy romantic outings with your beau, or does he only call you when he wants to hook up? A married man who seems mostly interested in hooking up and either avoids going on dates or outright refuses to do so is most likely using you. Avoiding dates and romance means that he’s probably not looking for a serious relationship right now.^{[4]
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- Dating can be an important part of many relationships. If you’re feeling neglected or upset because he won’t go on dates with you, explain why dating is so important and let him know what your expectations are.
- If he still refuses to go on dates with you even after you explain why it’s important, that’s another red flag. It shows that he’s entirely focused on what he wants, not what you might need.
- This can also be another sign that he’s being dishonest about his relationship status. If he’s not willing to be seen with you in public, he might be worried about other people finding out.

5

He avoids talking about the future.

He'll refuse to think ahead if he sees the relationship as temporary. It can be tough to talk about the future when you’re seeing a married man, but if he’s serious about leaving his spouse, he should be willing to address it. If he tends to skim over discussions about the future—especially talks about leaving his current spouse—or changes the subject all the time, he might not be serious about you.^{[5]
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- Ideally, if your married man is serious about you, he’ll be able to plan how he’ll leave his current spouse and even discuss things you’ll do together months and years down the road.
- Try bringing up the future if he won’t. Don’t spring anything huge on him; just ask him to make plans with you a couple of months ahead, or ask where he sees your relationship in a year.
- If he really does consider your presence in his life temporary, it’s up to you to decide if you’re okay with that or if you want to take initiative and leave the relationship behind.

6

He doesn’t open up to you.

He might not want you in his life if he always keeps you at arms' length. Emotional connections are important for a serious relationship, so if he’s serious about you, he’ll open up to you. That means letting you be part of his life and telling you about his inner thoughts and feelings that he might not share with other people. So, if he doesn’t share any intimate details or involve you in his life, he might be using you.^{[6]
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- Consider what you need in a relationship. If an emotional connection is important to you, you deserve to find a relationship that can give you one.
- If dating unavailable men is a pattern in your love life, you may also want to ask yourself why you tend to choose them as partners. Talking to a therapist could also help you understand the inner workings of your love life a bit better.

7

He doesn’t make an effort.

He’s likely using you if he seems uninterested in growing the relationship. Do you feel like you’re the only one making an effort to reach out and get in touch? Does he text you when he needs something and ignore you when he doesn’t? When a married man is using someone, he likely won’t go out of his way to maintain the relationship because it’s just a convenient diversion for him, not truly important.^{[7]
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- Consider talking to him if you notice that you’re putting most of the effort into the relationship. Let him know that for this to work, you need to feel like he’s as invested as you are.
- On the other hand, if he refuses to put the same effort into the relationship as you, it might be time to break things off—and eventually see someone new.

8

He tries to buy your silence.

He might be using gifts to distract you from problems in the relationship. Think about any time you’ve tried to discuss the future or your desire to take the relationship to the next level. Does he suddenly shower you with gifts or announce he’s taking you on a trip? That behavior may indicate that he’s trying to bribe you into complacency because he’s using you and isn’t really serious about the relationship.^{[8]
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- If you eventually realize that the married man you’re dating is using you, it may be tempting to blame yourself for failing to see this sooner. However, try to forgive yourself instead.
- It’s easy to blame yourself for not catching the warning signs, but it’s much healthier to let go of that guilt. You couldn’t have known what he would do, and punishing yourself won’t fix anything!

9

He doesn’t listen to you.

Ignoring you is a sign that he isn’t curious about your life. When a guy is serious (and not just using you), he’ll want to know all about you. If you’re dating a married man who just shrugs off whatever you say and doesn’t really show signs of listening to you, on the other hand, it might mean he’s not invested in the relationship and is just using you.^{[9]
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- Signs of active listening include frequent eye contact and a genuine reaction to the things you say—like “Go on” or “What happened next?” You can also tell someone was listening when they remember the things you tell them.
- Pay attention to your man’s reaction while you talk. Does he seem interested? Is he meeting your eyes, fully facing you, and obviously following along as you talk? If not, he might not be listening at all.

10

He cancels on you at the last minute.

Canceling on you could be a sign that you’re an afterthought to him. If he's just trying to string you along and isn’t actually serious, then just about anything can distract him and cause him to cancel plans. Life happens, but when a guy is using you, it might seem like anything from work to other friends to doing chores is enough to get him to drop you without so much as an apology.^{[10]
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- Consider talking to him about the problem and explaining that you need to be able to count on him to show up when you make plans together.
- However, if he continues to be flaky, you don’t need to wait around on him. Live your own life! Spend more time with friends and family and less with him to build up your sense of independence.
- As you become more independent, you’ll also gain self-confidence and the knowledge that whether your relationship with him works out or not, you’ll be okay.

11

You don’t feel like a priority.

You can tell he’s using you if every other person in his life comes first. Of course, it’s only natural for him to prioritize things like children (if he has them) above all, but the closer you get, the more you should also be included somewhere on his list of priorities. If it still seems like he pushes you aside whenever something comes up and prioritizes everything else above you, he might be using you.^{[11]
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- He might also try to gaslight you if you confront him about this behavior, making you feel like you’re being unreasonable or a burden for asking him to make you a priority.
- It’s important to remind yourself that your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to ask him for what you need so long as it’s reasonable.
- For example, asking him to choose you over his kids isn’t reasonable. However, asking him to leave work early to pick you up from the doctor or take time out of his week to plan a weekly date night is more than reasonable.

12

He leads you on without following through.

He might hint at wanting something more to keep you on the hook. If he senses that you might be getting impatient with his reluctance to move the relationship forward, he might start dropping hints. He’ll just say enough to pique your interest and make you feel like there’s a chance for a future with him—but really, he’s just putting off the conversation for later because he wants intimacy with you right now.^{[12]
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- For example, a married man who’s just using you might avoid your concerns by saying he “might” want a family with you something, or “might” be able to leave his spouse soon.
- Try to differentiate between directness and beating around the bush. If he refuses to be any more specific or speak in definites rather than saying he “might” do something, he’s likely not being straightforward with you.

13

He asks for lots of big favors.

Asking for favors may mean he's using you to get special treatment. If he’s using you, your married man will be reluctant to commit but perfectly willing to ask you for big favors. That could include a large loan, help to buy food, clothes, and other products, or assistance with his chores. He’ll openly rely on you for things without the promise of a serious relationship.^{[13]
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- Think about what you’re willing to do before agreeing to the things he’s asking of you. You’re not obligated to do everything he asks, especially if it’ll negatively impact you in the process.
- Don’t let him guilt you into giving him big favors, either. Helping him shouldn’t come at the cost of your well-being; it’s okay to say no.

14

Sexual safety doesn’t matter to him.

He might not care about protection or pregnancy if he’s using you. Essentially, when a married man is using you, he’s probably not too worried about your well-being. That means he might disregard or neglect important aspects of a sexual relationship, like using protection, testing for STDs, and taking steps to prevent pregnancy (unless it’s something you both want).
- Sexual safety is important! Don’t be afraid to draw the line and insist that he do certain things (like wearing protection, for example) if he’s going to be intimate with you.
- Remember: having boundaries, especially important ones concerning sexual safety, is never a bad thing. He shouldn’t make you feel like the bad guy for staying in your comfort zone!

15

He flirts with other people in front of you.

Openly flirting around is proof that he likely doesn’t respect you. If he isn’t really committed to your relationship, he won’t have a problem with checking out other people and flirting with them, even if you’re right there witnessing it. It might also be a sign that he’s cheating on you, as well as his current spouse—because flirting shows he may not value the relationship he has with you.^{[14]
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- If you’re uncomfortable with anything he does, including this, don’t ignore it or make excuses. You may care about him, but that doesn’t mean you need to put up with disrespectful behavior.
- Whether or not you stay in a relationship with this man, it’s important to be honest with yourself. If he’s willing to change, do you trust him? If he isn’t, are you willing to stay—or is it time to call the relationship quits?

16

He withholds affection to get sex.

Manipulation is a surefire sign that a married man is using you. When a guy uses you, it’s usually because he wants physical intimacy without committing to a relationship. In those cases, he may become distant and unavailable unless you’re willing to be intimate with him. That kind of emotional blackmail is designed to get you to do what he wants while he rewards you with affection.^{[15]
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- Take note of your beau’s behavior. Does he only seem to warm up to you when you’re willing to give him all the favors and intimacy he wants? That’s a sign that he’s using you.
- If you’re being manipulated, consider whether this relationship is healthy. It's okay to leave an emotionally abusive relationship for your own well-being.
- Above all, if he isn’t treating you the way you deserve, the most important thing you can do is practice self-love and take care of yourself.