How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty

Co-authored by Sirvart Mesrobian, PsyD

Last Updated: March 14, 2023 References Approved

Is it nearly impossible for you to say "no" to a person without feeling guilty, no matter how unreasonable the request may be? If you can almost never say "no" to a person -- whether it's your boss or significant other -- without feeling terrible afterwards, then you have a hard time prioritizing your needs over the needs of others. You should say "yes" when you feel that the task is manageable, when it's within your responsibility to do it, or even when you owe a favor to a friend. But if you're always saying "yes" because you're afraid of saying "no," then it's time to take action and take your life into your own hands without feeling guilty. If you want to know how, just follow these steps.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Reflect

1
Acknowledge that you can't do everything. Your problem with saying "yes" to everyone may have already left you trapped with almost no time to yourself. You may have said "yes" to helping your friend run her bake sale, "yes" to helping your boss manage a new project and "yes" to helping your significant other paint his apartment. You can avoid this situation in the future by beginning to say "no."^{[1]
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Expert Source

Sirvart Mesrobian, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 13 July 2021.}
- Whether you can't do everything because you've said "yes" to so many people, or because of all of the commitments of your busy life, tell yourself that it's impossible for you to say "yes" when you don't feel right about it.
2
Tell yourself that you're not being selfish. One of the big reasons that people can't say no without feeling guilty is because they feel that they're being selfish for turning down people who need their help, therefore making more time for themselves.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Sirvart Mesrobian, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 13 July 2021.} But if you're selfish, then you're always looking out for yourself only and would never feel guilty about saying "no" to someone.^{[3]
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Research source}
- Tell yourself that you're not being selfish, and that if that person thinks you're selfish for not doing something unreasonable, then that's not a person you should want to associate with.
- Think of all of the times that you have said "yes" to people in the past -- what's selfish about that?
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3
Know that you can't please everyone. Acknowledge that it's impossible to please every person in your life and that you have to draw the line somewhere. You may feel that you will disappoint a person if you say "no," and will thus lose his respect, but you may find that the opposite is true. If someone thinks you'll say "yes" to everything, then he will actually be more likely to take advantage of you and to ask you to do too many favors.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Sirvart Mesrobian, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 13 July 2021.}
- You can please the people you really care about some of the time, but it's not possible to please every person every time -- and maintain your sanity.
4
Think of all of the things you're saying "yes" to when you say "no." You don't have to look at saying "no" as a negative thing. If you're saying "no" to doing more work, you're saying "yes" to a variety of things that will benefit your life. If you think of all of the things that will be better off from you saying "no," you will feel less guilty. Here are a few of them:
- You're saying "yes" to spending more quality time with your friends, loved ones, and family instead of doing something you don't want to do.
- You're saying "yes" to maintaining your sanity, to having some "me time," and for making time for the hobbies and interests that matter to you.
- You're saying "yes" to living a more relaxed, evenly-paced life that is centered around the things that having meaning for you, not for someone else.
- You're saying "yes" to having a reasonable workload instead of burying yourself in hours of extra work because you couldn't turn someone down.
5
Understand why you have a hard time saying no. Is it because you don't want the person to stop talking to you? Is it because you don't want it to look like you don't care about the person? Being aware of what makes it so hard for you to turn a person down can make it easier for you to be more rational about the situation.^{[5]
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- If you're afraid to ever say no because you're worried that the person will stop caring about you, then you are in a problematic relationship and should try to get out immediately.
6
Understand the different tactics people use to get you to say "yes." If you can recognize the different methods that people may use to manipulate you and get you to say "yes" when you want to say "no," then it'll be easier for you to say "no" because you'll know that the person is just trying to control you in some way. Here are some tactics to look out for:^{[6]
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- Bullying: The bully keeps insisting that you do the thing he wants you to do, and is even mean or aggressive in the process. You can turn the bully down by keeping your cool and not reacting to his aggressive tone.
- Whining: The whiner can keep complaining about how hard something is until you break down and agree to help without even being asked. Instead, either change the subject, avoid contact with that person for a little while, or just say that you're sorry that the person is having such a hard time without agreeing to help.
- Guilting: Some people will try to make you feel guilty by telling you that you never help or that you never come through in a pinch. Calmly remind the person of the times that you have helped, and deny the request. This time will be different. ^{[7]
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- Complimenting: The complimenter may start by telling you how amazing you are at something, or how smart you are, and then will ask you for help with a certain task. Don't fall prey to flattery and agree to do something just because you're being praised. This is commonly called a 'Feedback sandwich'.

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Be Reasonable

1
Talk in a calm, even voice. Use the same voice that you would use to ask to speak to someone on the phone. Be firm, calm, and clear. If you sound emotional, confused, or upset, then the person will sense your weakness and will try to exploit you. If you sound calm, then the person will see that you're being reasonable and that it's okay for you to say "no" once in a while.^{[8]
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- If you don't raise your voice or sound upset, the person will be much more likely to accept your explanation.
2
Have assertive body language. Stand tall and keep your arms at your sides or use gestures to emphasize your words. Make eye contact with the person as you say "no" to show that you mean business.^{[9]
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Research source} Don't fidget or play with your hands or jewelry, or you will look insecure about your decision. Don't cower away from the person or cross your arms over your chest, or you will look like you're not happy with your decision and that you can be swayed.
3
Don't apologize too much. If you do feel sorry that you can't do the work, then you can say a simple, "I'm sorry," but the more you keep repeating that you're sorry, the less firm you will sound. The person will think that he can still convince you to do the task, and you'll only make yourself look weak and will feel worse about not doing the task. If you apologize, it will look like you're doing something wrong by not taking on the task, and that's not the case.
- Don't say, "I am so, so sorry that I can't walk your dog next weekend. I feel really, really bad about it."
- Instead, say, "I'm sorry I don't have time to walk your dog next weekend."
4
Explain why you can't do it. Giving a brief explanation can make the person understand why you can't do the thing he wants you to do. You don't have to be excessive about it, but giving just a sentence or two of explanation can help the person see that you have too much going on to complete the task. You don't have to lie or make up excuses. Just be honest. Here are some explanations for why you can't do something:
- "I can't finish this project tonight because I have to wrap up this report by midnight."
- "I can't drive you to the dentist tomorrow because my husband and I will be celebrating our anniversary that night."
- "I can't go to your party because I have to take a final exam the next morning."
5
Give the person some alternatives. If you still feel guilty about saying no and truly do wish you could help the person, then you can try to give some other solutions for what can be done. If you really can help the person, just in another way, then don't be afraid to mention it and see if that can work out for both of you. Here are some ways to suggest alternatives:
- "I can try to finish the project tomorrow, but only if you can help call a few of my clients in the morning."
- "Do you want to borrow my car to take yourself to the dentist? I won't need it tomorrow anyway."
- "I can't go to your party, but I'd love to catch up this weekend, after my big exam. How about we go out for brunch? I'd love to hear all about it."

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you say no without apologizing?

Sirvart Mesrobian, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Sirvart Mesrobian is a Clinical Psychologist based in West Los Angeles and Glendale, California. Specializing in individual, family, and couples treatment for young adults and adults. Dr. Mesrobian provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, motivational interviewing, trauma-focused treatments, and other services. She earned a Master's in Psychology and a Doctorate of Clinical Psychology from Alliant International University.

Sirvart Mesrobian, PsyD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Your emotions and self-care are not something you should be apologetic for, and other people’s struggle to accept "no" for an answer is not something you are accountable for.
Question

I'm pretty sure my boyfriend is seeing someone else. How do I say no to my boyfriend when he wants to see me?

Community Answer

If you have concrete evidence or feel it your guts something is wrong, you should be honest about how you feel and end the relationship. End it fast and hard, so that you don't have the chance to waffle about it. Relationships are built on love and trust, not doubt and fear.
Question

What if someone threatens you to say yes?

Community Answer

If someone is threatening you, then this is not a relationship worth keeping. You don't threaten people you care about. This is bullying. I like to bring it to their attention so they see how they are interacting by asking them, "Do you realize the way you are asking me to do this for you is from a place of bullying? Is this the way you really want to be perceived?" It is remarkable the amount of healing that can happen when we speak honestly with each other.