How to Set Boundaries when Dating

Last Updated: December 18, 2022 References

Setting boundaries in your relationship is an important part of making sure that you feel comfortable and confident as things get more serious. Communicating those boundaries doesn't have to be hard, and our guide can help you get started!

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Assessing Your Own Boundaries

1
Get in touch with yourself. Gain knowledge of who you are, how you feel, what you believe, the choices you make, the thoughts you think, etc. Connect with your wants and needs to discover what it is that you require.
2
Pay attention to the feelings you have. If you are feeling particularly stressed or drained about anything, take a moment to be aware that you are feeling that way. Locate where it is your body that you are feeling that particular tension. Is it your neck, your stomach, your jaw? Focus on that feeling by breathing into that tense area.^{[1]
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- Identify the way you feel by naming the feeling what it is. Acknowledge your emotions and accept them for what they are.
- Don’t feel the need to fix yourself or correct the emotion. We like to criticize ourselves when we feel things that aren’t happy feelings, instead of that embrace them. Practice self compassion versus self judgment.
- Engage in solitude by embarking in solo activities. Take alone in nature, create some art, cook a meal for one, or listen to music. Focus on how serene and calm you feel when in these alone moments.^{[2]
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3
Practice flexibility while discovering boundaries. Setting boundaries does not stop at saying “no”, even if it sometimes starts there. Growing and learning means setting boundaries that are not rigid to the point of being inflexible and in a cocoon from others.^{[3]
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- Only say “no” when it’s something you want to say “no” to, not just for the sake of saying “no”.
- Be aware of how it feels to be compliant with certain choices and towards certain people. Note how you feel about it and allow it to guide you with your choices and limitations.
- Practice remaining open, but only as open as you feel comfortable being. Discomfort and how drained you feel will tell you where and how boundaries need to come into place.
4
Gain perspective on what your innermost values and desires are. Become clear about the values you consider most important in life.
- Asking questions that dig into your values guide the decisions you makes instead of the expectations and opinions others might unreasonably have for you.
- What do you long for or want most in the world? What do you long for or want most in a partner? What is the most important thing you wish to feel in life and in love?

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Establishing Boundaries in a Relationship

1
Be honest. If you're afraid that some of your boundaries will scare that special someone away, talk to them about it before it becomes an issue.
- Be self aware about your needs and express them to the person you are interested in.
- State your boundaries in a way that is not judgmental, shaming, or accusatory for the best results.^{[4]
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- If your special someone takes issue with a boundary you feel to be reasonable, then perhaps that someone isn't so special.
- For instance, if you don't feel comfortable kissing somebody on the first date, that's normal and totally acceptable.^{[5]
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  Expert Source
  
  Stefanie Safran
  Dating Coach & Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 8 May 2020.}
2
Start at the beginning, not after a boundary has been crossed. Let the person you are interested in know from the get-go where the lines are drawn when it comes to what you need (and what you won't tolerate).
- While you two are getting to know one another, let him or her know which boundaries are the most important to you, such as a monogamous relationship, sexual boundaries, or wearing shoes inside of the house.
- You don't have to hand him or her a ten-page notarized booklet, but you shouldn't leave him/her in the dark and let your frustrations build up to an epic battle to the death.
3
Talk to your partner about what your boundaries are sexually. Decide when you’re ready to take things to the next physical level. Being physical is a form of intimacy that is common in dating relationships. ^{[6]
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- If you’re only okay with physical contact like kissing, hugging, or hand holding, explain that to your partner. Sex is not a relationship requirement. If it is a dealbreaker for your partner, let them go and find someone who respects you enough to not ask you to compromise your beliefs.^{[7]
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- If sex is something that you want to do with your partner, do so when you are ready. This can mean 30 days, this can mean 90 days, or this can mean a year – decide what “ready” means to you and tell your partner what that boundary is.
4
Draw lines for interactions with the people in your life. Meeting one another’s friends and families are important milestones in relationships. Set a boundary for when the appropriate time to meet important people in one another’s lives.
- Allow the quality of the overall relationship to act as your guideline for when to meet family and friends. If the relationship is new or off to a shaky start, it might not be a good idea to introduce more people into your relationship.
- Set a boundary that you will follow his or her lead. If your partner invites you on a night out to hang with some of his or her closest friends, it might be an indicator that you can alleviate your boundary and let him or her meet your friends too.
5
Give space and take space as needed. When you need it, take it. When he/she needs it, give it. Always be mindful that as much time as you need to take for yourself, so will your lover.
- Coming home after a hard day's work to your significant other is often very rewarding, but the both of you still need other outlets of focus.
- Keeping up with friends and maintaining healthy social activity is vital to a person's well-being. Humans have always been social creatures, and it's meant to be that way.
- Cultivating other interests is important, too. Spend time doing things you enjoy apart from your relationship, and let your partner do the same.
- Balancing your work life, social life, and love life are essential to success in those aspects.
6
Respect the needs of the person you’re dating. Mature communication is the best way to talk to your lover or spouse about boundary issues.
- Don't be a hypocrite. When he/she needs to set boundaries with you, be understanding and open.
- Respect his/her wishes and be upfront with any questions or qualms. Remember, any qualms do not have to be voiced with criticism or anger.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Communicating When Boundaries are Crossed

1
Communicate your needs directly and specifically. No insinuations, no hints, and no passive phrases of "well maybe, maybe not". Once you set the boundaries that are absolute, talk about the boundaries that are negotiable.
- Set a boundary that you will not be emotionally bullied into saying things or making steps you aren’t quite ready to say or make. For example, if your partner is ready to say “I love you” and you aren’t, don’t feel that you have to. Instead, opt to be clear and direct about how you feel and your intentions with that important step.^{[8]
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- Take your time with the pace and the nature of the relationship. Set a boundary and communicate that the relationship progress at a pace you are comfortable with: making things official, becoming physical, etc.
- Be clear and direct if no shoes are allowed on the carpet, ever, period. Be clear if phone calls every ten minutes are unappreciated. Be very, very clear about whether or not you two are mutually exclusive.
- Every relationship has problems, however, a compromise allows more effective communication and an overall healthier relationship.
- Hallmarks of effective communication include eye contact, following up with what you decide will be done during those conversations, and actively listening and staying present when you are speaking with the person.^{[9]
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  Expert Source
  
  Stefanie Safran
  Dating Coach & Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 8 May 2020.}
2
Be clear about boundaries while being clear about the love you have for your partner. Don’t sweep mistreating behavior under the rug or tread lightly against broaching the topic. Communicate to your partner that they have overstepped one of your boundaries but never lose the love in your voice.
- Use the phrase: “I love you, but I need you to respect this boundary of mine. It is important to because ____”.
- For example: “I love you and have every intention of us working through whatever issues we might have. But, I need you to respect the fact that you get verbally abusive toward me when you’re angry. It is okay to communicate with me in a respectful manner, but it is never okay to project anger and hurt onto me. It not only upsets me, but it is also makes me feel belittled and undervalued.”
- Express the behavior, the boundary it violated, and how it made you feel. Be open to hear how enforcing the boundary makes your partner feel. Talk things through, make sure things are understood, and that both parties involved feel cared for in the end.
3
Use “I” statements exclusively. Communicate with the phrases “I feel…” or “I would appreciate it if…” instead of “You are a jerk” or “You are the problem” to your partner.
- “I” statements allow you to retain responsibility over your emotions and allows your partner to be more open to your conversation without defenses.
- “You” statements assign blame.
4
Use the sandwich technique when communicating. The sandwich technique of communicating is to use a compliment, a criticism, and a compliment. When a compliment’s said, your partner’s defenses come down and they are primed to hear some criticism. Wrap it up with another complicate to reconnect.
5
End things with your partner if it feels like it’s not working. If you have tried every reasonable way to set boundaries and your lover simply can't respect them, you need to end the relationship.
- Once you have done your best and upheld your responsibilities, but have not been repaid with the same, your loyalty is to above all yourself.
- You deserve someone who will treat you with the same level of maturity and commitment as you will them, and you should never deprive yourself of this based on the hope that your lover will change.

Expert Q&A

Question

What are some examples of boundaries in a relationship?

Stefanie Safran
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Stefanie Safran is a Dating Coach, Matchmaker, and the Owner of Stef in the City, a Matchmaking and Dating Coaching business focused on an honest and hands on approach. Stefanie labels herself as “Chicago's Introductionista®” as she has over 15 years of experience in the matchmaking industry. Her work has been featured on various media such as: ABC7, NBC5, CBS2, WGN, FOX, The Chicago Tribune, The Chicago Sun Times, The HuffPost, and Refinery29. She holds a MBA in marketing and branding from Loyola University in addition to her BA from the University of Wisconsin-Madison.

Stefanie Safran

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

Some factors you might want to consider are how many times a week you think you should see the person, when you would be willing to introduce them to your friends and family, and how long you want to spend together before you reach various stages of physical intimacy.
Question

How do you communicate in a new relationship?

Stefanie Safran
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Stefanie Safran is a Dating Coach, Matchmaker, and the Owner of Stef in the City, a Matchmaking and Dating Coaching business focused on an honest and hands on approach. Stefanie labels herself as “Chicago's Introductionista®” as she has over 15 years of experience in the matchmaking industry. Her work has been featured on various media such as: ABC7, NBC5, CBS2, WGN, FOX, The Chicago Tribune, The Chicago Sun Times, The HuffPost, and Refinery29. She holds a MBA in marketing and branding from Loyola University in addition to her BA from the University of Wisconsin-Madison.

Stefanie Safran

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

Make eye contact with the person and focus all of your attention on them. Actively listen when they are speaking, and follow up with decisions you make.
Question

How can I be sure that I'm in a good relationship?

Community Answer

If you feel that you are loved and respected, that you bring out the best in each other, and you're happy overall, then you are in a good relationship.

Warnings

If going on a blind date, go somewhere moderately crowded until you know more about this person. Seriously, he or she could be a serial killer. Don't chance it.

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If a mutual discussion about boundaries can’t happen, or you feel that you can’t trust or talk to one another openly, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship and end it.

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Create and maintain relationships that are fulfilling but don’t let them become the definition of who you are and how you feel about yourself.

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