How to Be Independent in a Relationship

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: October 20, 2022 References

A relationship is made up of two people with shared hobbies, interests, and affection for one another, who create a bond that's greater than the sum of all those individual parts. One of the hallmarks of a successful relationship is a commitment to one another. However, it’s also important for people in a relationship to maintain their own independence–whether you've just started dating or have been married for 30 years. Luckily, by setting aside time to yourself, communicating boundaries, and maintaining a healthy relationship with your partner, staying independent can be easy and even make your relationship stronger.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Making Time for Yourself

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Cultivate hobbies and interests apart from your partner. Don’t let being in a relationship keep you from doing the things you want to do. Have hobbies and interests you don’t share with your partner to help nurture your independence and maintain your sense of self.^{[1]
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- Take this opportunity to find something you like doing that your partner doesn’t necessarily enjoy. This way, you can affirm your independence and pursue a hobby that won’t ask any sacrifice of your partner.
- Beyond being a source of independence, hobbies can also have a huge impact on your well-being. Studies show that hobbies like painting, writing, and hiking can lower blood pressure, promote creative thinking, and foster a sense of satisfaction. Remember this when you tell your partner why independent hobbies are a good thing!
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Have a space you can call your own. If you’re living together with your partner, having a part of the home all to yourself is crucial to maintaining your independence. Set aside an area of the house where you can go to be by yourself and your partner won’t disturb you.^{[2]
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- You should ensure your partner won’t disturb you by communicating your desire to have your own space and explaining the situation to them. Don’t just lock yourself in a room and not tell your S.O. where you are!
- If you’re setting aside part of a shared residence as your own, be sure to put only your own stuff in the area, whether it’s a room or a corner of a room.
- Your independent space can also be a public place (e.g., a coffee shop or public park) you can go to spend time away from your partner. Your space only needs to be private in the context of your relationship, not necessarily the rest of the world.^{[3]
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- Encourage your partner to have a similar space for themselves.
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Spend time with your own friends and family. It’s easy to stop seeing your other friends when you’re in a relationship and become dependent on your partner for social interaction. Make time to see friends and family on a regular basis to help maintain your independence.^{[4]
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- How often to see friends and family ultimately depends on your own social needs. As often as once a week or as seldom as once a month might be all you need to maintain a healthy social life outside your relationship.
- Your friends and family will also serve as a support group when your relationship goes through hard times and will help to keep you grounded. Remember, they love you for you.
- To best maintain a unique sense of identity, make sure to spend time with your own friends as well as mutual friends of your partner.^{[5]
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Take a break from the relationship when you need to. Although you’re part of a relationship, you also need to make sure to take care of your own needs as an individual. When you feel overwhelmed, don’t be afraid to take time away from being in a relationship to focus on yourself and tend to your own needs.^{[6]
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- This is more about taking a mental break than anything else, and so it can last however long you need. Sometimes taking just a day (or even less!) to yourself is all it takes to get yourself back to normal.
- Being able to be by yourself without your partner will increase your sense of self-worth and go a long way towards fostering a sense of independence. Prolonged absence will also have the side effect of making your partner’s company more attractive!
- Be sure to communicate with your partner first before embarking on your independent mini-vacation. Paradoxically, maintaining your independence should be something your partner supports you in.
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Stay true to your partner during time off. Taking time away from your partner to maintain your independence does not mean seeing other people. Maintain your commitment to your relationship by not betraying your partner’s trust when taking time off.
- If you’re taking time away because you feel overwhelmed and want to reassert your independence, having an affair might seem like a tempting way of accomplishing this goal. However, affairs can be devastating when discovered by monogamous partners and your relationship may not recover if you betray your partner’s trust this way.^{[7]
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- Reassuring your partner of your fidelity is also a key aspect of taking time away from the relationship. Remember, open communication is very important.
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Prioritize your goals for yourself. Being independent means having a self-identity that isn’t subsumed by your relationship and its impact on you. Don’t let yourself lose sight of what kind of person you want to be; you shouldn’t sacrifice your goals for yourself on the altar of your relationship.^{[8]
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- Talking to friends and family is a good way of “checking in” on yourself every now and then to see if you’re still the kind of person you want to be.
- If you ever find yourself at a point where you’re no longer happy with who you are, that may be a sign that something (maybe even the relationship) needs to change.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Communicating Your Desires and Boundaries

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Set healthy boundaries for your relationship. All healthy relationships have boundaries that recognize each individual’s personal independence and happiness. Communicate with your partner about setting boundaries that will maintain your independence and take care of your needs in the relationship.^{[9]
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- For example, if there are things you feel uncomfortable doing for your partner (e.g., lying for them), tell them you’re not willing to do this.
- Be direct when setting boundaries, but also be clear about your reasoning; make sure your partner knows that the boundaries you set have nothing to do with your feelings towards them as a person.
- Don’t use absolute language or threats when setting your boundaries. This is unrealistic and may end up alienating your partner.
EXPERT TIP

Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.

Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker

A relationship is basically an ongoing contract made up of the boundaries you create together. If you think you may be codependent, think about whether or not you're able to say no in the relationship. A healthy relationship can handle "no." That's a sign of respect. There has to be that flexibility in the relationship. Otherwise, the dynamic is more like that of a boss and their employee.
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Be open about your desire for independence. Whatever you’re doing to maintain your independence, you’ll want to keep your partner informed and reassured. Talk to your partner about why you want to be independent and remind them that you’re still invested in the relationship.^{[10]
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- Make sure you frame your words in a way that adequately conveys your concerns without hurting your partner’s feelings. Put yourself in their shoes and think about how you would feel hearing this conversation from them. They may feel hurt that you want to spend less time with them and think it’s their fault.
- Remember, open and honest communication about any and all issues is essential for any healthy relationship.
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Stand up for what’s important to you. While you should be willing to compromise and make sacrifices in a relationship, you should also make sure you’re always in control of your own priorities. Be willing to stand your ground on things that matter to you and don’t let your partner sway you away from them.^{[11]
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- This doesn’t mean you should never compromise. Rather, decide what morals or values are non-negotiable for you and be willing to reasonably compromise on everything else.
- Don’t change your personality for another person. If you’re an extrovert in a relationship with an introvert, find time with them as well as other interpersonal interactions.
- For example, if evenly dividing the responsibilities for chores is important to you, say so in a firm but respectful way. Be willing to accommodate your partner where you can, but don’t let them sway you on things you care deeply about.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Keeping the Relationship Healthy

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Encourage your partner’s independence and growth. For a relationship to be healthy it needs to be balanced, with each partner investing in both the relationship and in themselves. While nurturing your own independence, encourage your partner to pursue theirs as well and to maintain their sense of self-identity.^{[12]
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- For example, tell your partner it’s ok for them to spend time with their friends and family, to go to movies or concerts without you, or to have their own hobbies they don’t share with you.
- You should set expectations for independence in the relationship as soon as you can. It’ll be much harder to nurture independence in both partners if you’re fighting against codependent conventions that have already been established in the relationship.
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Don’t expect your partner to share all your interests. Sometimes people complain that their partner doesn’t like the same things they do. However, a healthy relationship should be between unique individuals. Curb your expectations and remind yourself that you don’t need your partner to validate your interests.^{[13]
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- While relationships are often built on shared interests and hobbies, it’s a mistake to expect your partner to like all of your interests and hobbies as well. Bearing this in mind will help you realize it’s ok to maintain your own independent hobbies.
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Check in on your mental health. You should never let your relationship make you doubt yourself, your self-worth, or the validity of your hopes and dreams. Remember to take stock of how you’re feeling about yourself and your life every once in a while and don’t let yourself place your relationship before your own mental and emotional wellbeing.^{[14]
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- Losing sight of your own goals and self-worth is a common issue that a lot of people in relationships run into. Always keep in mind that your self-validation isn’t dependent on being in a relationship.
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Ask for help if you need it. It’s easy to become dependent on your partner for emotional support when you’re in a relationship. However, being independent necessarily involves being able to look elsewhere for that type of support. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and seek out support when you need it.^{[15]
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- If you’re a student, reach out to your student’s counseling center and see about making an appointment to speak to a counselor.
- Friends and family who have gone through relationships or who you trust being vulnerable with are particularly good sources of emotional support in trying times.
- Remember, being independent in a relationship doesn’t mean going it alone!
5
Recognize if the relationship has become codependent or abusive. Codependent and abusive relationships are unhealthy for a variety of reasons and will certainly hinder you in your pursuit of independence and growth. Keep an eye out for signs that your relationship may be becoming harmful.
- An abusive relationship can feature any sort of abuse, whether it be physical, verbal, or emotional. If your partner hits you, berates you, gaslights you, or emotionally blackmails you, they are being abusive.^{[16]
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- Healthy boundaries are very important in a healthy relationship. If you feel like you have lost all your boundaries and do not have an independent personal life, you may be in a codependent relationship.^{[17]
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- If you’re in an abusive relationship, seek help. Move in with family and friends for a while or consider temporarily living in a domestic violence shelter.