How to See Yourself As You Really Are

Co-authored by Guy Reichard

Last Updated: February 17, 2023 References

Seeing yourself as you really are can be an excruciatingly difficult process, but if you put the time and effort into it, meeting your real self can be an extremely rewarding experience. In seeing yourself objectively and honestly, you can learn to accept yourself and figure out ways of improving yourself in the future.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Identify Your Current Understanding

1
Write out your perceptions.^{[1]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source} Pick up a pen and paper and write out a description of yourself. Make it as detailed as possible, defining yourself as a whole person: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
- Start with statements like, "I am..." or "What I'm really proud of myself for is..."
- Answer each statement with at least 8 to 12 responses.
- List your strengths and weaknesses, as well. Most people can identify at least one good thing and one bad thing about themselves, no matter how inflated their ego might be or how beaten up their self-esteem as become. Write out what you believe to be your strong points and your failings, as determined only by your gut response.
2
Recall significant moments in your life. Think about the stories you frequently share from your past. Ask yourself what these stories say about you and why you feel compelled to tell them to the people you meet.
- Pay special attention to what these stories say about you as a person. Do the stories convey your honesty or your bravery? Are you keen on telling them because these traits exemplify your standard behavior, or do you tell these stories because they are rare examples of traits you wish you possessed more of?
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3
Think back to your childhood. Most people are truest to their desires and personality when they are kids. Figure out what made you happy as a child, as well as what left you feeling disappointed. Consider the sort of belief system you went by as a kid. If some of these elements have changed, note them, and note the reasons you claim behind the change.
- For example, as a kid, you may have treasured the times you spent doing things independently and on your own. If you still value your personal space, this craving for freedom is an obvious part of who you really are.
- If you are presently tied down to a number of obligations, though, ask yourself why. You may have learned to value family and friends in a new way, in which case, the desire to meet any related obligations could be part of the real you. On the other hand, you might be tying yourself down just to fit in with outside expectations, in which case, the real you is still the independent person you were as a child.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Step Back

1
Ban yourself from the mirror.^{[2]
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Research source} Step away from the mirror for a full week and stop looking at your reflection. In doing so, you interrupt any false perceptions of your physical self that are continually maintained every day when you check how you look.
- By the end of your mirror ban, you may also reach the realization that the only one so concerned and critical of your appearance is yourself. Once you force yourself to stop fixating on your supposed physical flaws, you will likely notice that no one else is stepping up to fixate on them in your place. As a result, you may eventually realize that the negative beliefs you held about your appearance are not true, after all.
2
Quiet the noise inside your head.^{[3]
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Trustworthy Source
University of Rochester Medical Center
Leading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and research
Go to source} Life can be very demanding and your own thoughts can pull you in a hundred different directions at one time. Simplify your life for a few weeks to help minimize the anxious thoughts and negative self-talk that usually accompany a hectic schedule.
- If you have difficulty quieting the noise in your head right away, plan on taking a vacation of sorts away from your inner nag ahead of time. Take care of as many of your needs as possible so that you will have little, if anything, to do during that week or so of "vacation." Schedule your obligations so that there will be no outside anxieties invading your thoughts during that time.
3
Encourage others to be honest with you. You need to look at yourself from a new vantage point. Someone who knows you well is more likely to have a good understanding of who you really are, but the tricky thing is that few people close to you are willing to be completely honest about all your failings. You need to find friends who will be honest with you and encourage those friends you already have to speak honestly without fear of backlash.
- You can make people comfortable with the idea of criticizing you by learning to criticize yourself. If you can demonstrate constructive self-criticism, the people around you may feel more comfortable telling you the truth as they see it.
- Some people are naturally more comfortable with being honest. Others learn to be honest once they become comfortable with someone. You should have one or both of these types of people in your life.
- When people do criticize you constructively, listen carefully and accept what they have to say. Do not react in anger and do not pressure other friends into supporting or denying their claims.
4
Look up to people. Human beings hate feeling insignificant, so usually, a person who feels badly about himself or herself will react by finding someone else who can be looked down upon. This distorts your self-perception, though. A better thing to do would be to find people to look up to.
- Looking up to other people also gives you a goal to strive for. No one is perfect, but oftentimes, you tend to admire people who possess positive qualities you tend not to possess. Admiring these people can make you more aware of qualities you do not possess, and once you become aware of these qualities, you can later try emulating them in your own life.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

See Yourself with Renewed Understanding

1
Analyze each perception you originally had. After you have given yourself a vacation from your original set of perceptions, drag out the list and go through it point by point. Ask yourself if each point has any validity to it and spend the time carefully going through the list one by one.
- With each perception or statement you made, ask yourself:
  - "Is it really true?"
  - "Can I prove it to be completely true? Can I prove it to be false?"
  - "How do I react, physically and emotionally, to this thought or idea?"
  - “Are there positive attributes associated with this negative quality?” / “Are there negative attributes associated with this positive quality?”
2
Break out of your comfort zone. Check your perceptions by forcing yourself to become a beginner again at something new.^{[4]
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Research source} During times of uncertainty, one's strengths and weaknesses are more likely to show through. Pay close attention to your own reactions during the experience to get a better idea of what your own positive and negative attributes really are.
- The trick is to find something you know nothing about and to force yourself into learning about it. If you know nothing about cooking, for example, then learn how to cook.
- You need to pay special attention to your responses and reactions during this time. This process also needs to be completed on your own. Do not rely on others to get you through it.
3
Accept your failings.^{[5]
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Research source} People hate being wrong, but nobody is perfect. Instead of trying to deny your failings and faults, stop making excuses for yourself and be honest about the things that are wrong. This include the things you already believed to be wrong and those you may have previously denied.
- Understand that accepting your failings is a necessary part of seeing yourself as you really are. Aside from that, only in acknowledging and accepting your failings can you hope to eventually improve upon them.
- You need to do away with excuses, as well. For instance, if you procrastinate habitually, do not try to justify it by saying that you get the work done anyway and so it doesn't really matter. Instead, simply admit to yourself that you procrastinate.
4
Project inwardly. When faced with trouble, look internally for a cause. It can be tremendously easy to push the blame on someone else, but to avoid boosting your ego unfairly, you need to seriously ask yourself if you had any fault in the current situation, as well.
- Similarly, you should project inwardly whenever you feel tempted to complain about other people. When this happens, stop and ask yourself if there might be other people making the same complaints about you.
5
Look in from the outside. Think about your goals, ideas, and desires. You might be able to justify and rationalize each one in your own head, but ask yourself how you would view these attributes if viewing them in someone else instead of yourself. If the expected reaction varies, determine why this is the case.
- For example, if you crave a relationship with a certain person and feel justified in your desire, think about what an outside, uninvolved individual might see. If an objective view would consider you to be naive or reckless, you should try to accept that trait of yours for what it is.
6
Keep a journal. Write about your new discoveries and doubts throughout the entire process of renewing your self-image. You can write about your feelings, frustrations, or anything else related to this topic. The important thing is simply to write consistently and honestly.
- Every time you sit down to write in your journal, you should keep writing until you reach some sort of understanding or state of heightened emotion.
- Make sure that you take the time to write in your journal when you can focus on the task without distraction.
7
Think about yourself in healthy ways. While you need to be honest about your own failings, you also need to accept yourself for who you are and learn to be honest about your positives, as well.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Guy Reichard
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 19 March 2020.} Having an overly poor self-image can be just as harmful as having an overly inflated self-image, if not more so.
- You need to emphasize to yourself that you are valuable, even with all your faults and failings
- When you sense your perceptions swinging in an unfairly negative direction, challenge the unwarranted guilt. If something goes wrong and you tell yourself, "I can't do anything right," quickly correct yourself by listing off examples of things you have done right.
8
Ask yourself who you want to be. Consider who you have come to see yourself as and ask yourself who it is that you eventually want to be. Maybe the person you want to be is similar to the person you once thought you actually were. Figure out what you need to do in order to transform yourself and make this wish a reality.

Expert Q&A
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Question

How can I identify my values and what's really important to me?

Guy Reichard
Executive Life Coach
Guy Reichard is an Executive Life Coach and the Founder of HeartRich Coaching & Training, a professional life coaching and inner leadership training provider based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. He works with people to create more meaning, purpose, well-being, and fulfillment in their lives. Guy has over 10 years of personal growth coaching and resilience training experience, helping clients enhance and transform their inner worlds, so they can be a more positive and powerful influence on those they love and lead. He is an Adler Certified Professional Coach (ACPC), and is accredited by the International Coach Federation. He earned a BA in Psychology from York University in 1997 and a Master of Business Administration (MBA) from York University in 2000.

Guy Reichard

Executive Life Coach

Expert Answer

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The first step is reflecting on your life, like your peak moments, gratifying experiences, violating/hurtful experiences, ideal days, etc, and identifying certain themes and patterns that reveal your values. From there, you can use certain assessments to figure out what your values are, like Barrett’s Personal Values Assessment, the VIA Character Strengths Survey, and Taylor’s Core Values Index.