How to Say Goodbye to a Friend

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: January 14, 2022 References

There’s no doubt about it: saying goodbye to a friend is hard. Whether you’re ending a friendship, moving away from a friend, or saying goodbye to a friend as they pass away, you’re probably going to feel a wide range of emotions. Keep reading to learn how you can say your goodbyes and give yourself some closure on the friendship.

1

Pull back from the relationship gradually.

This works best for acquaintances or casual friends. If you’ve tried out a friendship with someone and it just isn’t working, it’s okay to stop messaging or calling them as much. You can expect to see them at group events or at parties, but you don’t have to make it a point to hang out with them one on one. If you only ever saw them occasionally anyway, it’s probably not a big deal to extract yourself from their life.^{[1]
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- This is also a good method to use if your friend never hits you up and instead waits for you to reach out first all the time.

2

Take a break from the friendship.

You don’t have to end the friendship if you think there’s a future. Just like any relationship, friendships aren’t going to be perfect 100% of the time. If you and your friend are having some conflict, don’t be afraid to put a pause on your relationship. You two can reconvene at the end and talk things out, or you can stay out of each other’s lives for good.^{[2]
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- Say something like, “I’m not sure if our friendship is working right now. I think I’d like to take a little break from the friendship, just to get my head on straight. Maybe we can talk again in a month or so.”

3

End the friendship with an honest conversation.

Older friendships deserve a serious talk. If you and your friend are having issues, ask to meet up so you two can talk about them. You can discuss your feelings and why you feel the need to end the friendship.^{[3]
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- You could say something like, “Hey, could we meet up and talk? I want to chat about some issues we’ve been having lately. I think our friendship is getting a little toxic, and it might be best for me to take some time for myself.”

4

Use “I” statements when ending a friendship.

Focus your words on yourself, not on the other person. If you can talk about your own emotions and what you’re feeling, your ex-friend is less likely to get defensive. That way, you may be able to have a more productive conversation with less anger.^{[4]
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- For instance, instead of saying, “You never text me first,” try, “I feel like I always reach out first, which makes me wonder if I’m as important to you as you are to me.”
- Instead of saying, “You always use me for stuff,” say, “I only hear from you when you need something, which makes me feel a little bit used.”

5

Send an email or text if you don’t want to talk in person.

It’s not the best way to end a friendship, but it will get the job done. If your friendship has turned toxic or you can’t get in touch with this person to talk face to face, technology may be the best solution. Shoot them an email or send them a text to let them know that your friendship is breaking down.^{[5]
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- For instance, you might say, “Hey Diane, just reaching out to let you know why I haven’t been responding to you lately. I think our friendship is becoming a bit toxic, and I don’t think it’s good for us to keep hanging out.”

6

Make a special gift for a friend who is moving away.

Compile your memories together so they'll remember you. For instance, you might put together a scrapbook of all the vacation you went on or a digital photo album of all the pics you have together. You can give it to your friend before they leave as a sweet gesture.^{[6]
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- If you don’t have a ton of photos, try writing down special memories in a notebook instead.

7

Throw a going away party for them.

Gather their loved ones for a fun celebration before they move. Buy a cake, decorate your house, and plan a few fun party games. You can talk about all the memories you’ve made with each other during your time together and how much fun they’re going to have in their new space.^{[7]
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- If your friend is going somewhere specific (like a new city or country), consider making that the party theme.

8

Promise to keep in touch if one of you is moving.

Long-distance friendships are definitely a thing. If you or your friend are moving far away from each other, you don’t have to say goodbye for good. Stay in touch via phone calls, video chats, or social media. Make plans to visit each other on your off days or take a fun vacation together during the summer.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- Planning a future trip or visit together can make the separation a lot more bearable.^{[10]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- Long-distance friendships take a little more work to maintain than normal ones, but they can definitely be done!
- Try to stay updated on each other’s lives while you’re not together. That way, you won’t grow apart from each other.

9

Tell them you love them if they’re passing away.

Let them know how much they mean to you before they’re gone. Visit them and hold their hand as you describe all the fun times you two had during your friendship. If they can’t talk back to you, just keep talking about treasured memories and things you did together.^{[11]
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- You might say something like, “Remember the time in college when we snuck into the library after dark? It was so much fun playing hide and seek in the stacks of shelves. I always had so much fun with you.”
- If they’ve already passed, consider writing your feelings in a letter instead.

10

Offer your assistance if they're terminally ill.

Being sick can makes it harder to take care of day-to-day tasks. If your friend is having a tough time, consider offering to pick up groceries, drop their kids off at school, walk their dog, or even bring them some food. The more you can do to make their life easier, the better.^{[12]
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- Some people have a hard time accepting help, so don’t be offended if your friend wants to keep being independent.

11

Just spend time with them.

If they are passing away, your presence is probably enough. Sometimes, you can’t find the words to express yourself, and that’s okay. Simply go to your friend and sit near them or hold their hand. They’ll appreciate the gesture and understand that you can’t talk right now.^{[13]
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- This is a good method to use if your friend can’t talk back to you.