How to Respond to Narcissistic Abuse

Written by Jay Reid, LPCC | Edited by Nihal Shetty

Last Updated: June 7, 2022 References

Dealing with a narcissist can be difficult at the best of times, but when it’s veered into abuse, how should you respond? Narcissists often use tactics like screaming, name-calling, or manipulation to threaten you into submission. We know it can be scary to deal with a narcissist’s rage, and we’re here to help. Remember that you have the right to live a life free of emotional and physical abuse, no matter what the narcissist says. Here’s our guide on how to respond to narcissistic abuse, so that you can live a happier, healthier, and safer life.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional clinical counselor, Jay Reid. Check out the full interview here.

1

Deescalate the situation.

You can’t win an argument with a narcissist, so reduce conflict instead. For a narcissist, disagreement can be seen as an act of violence.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.} Instead of trying to dispute what they’re saying and get drawn into a bigger fight, deescalate the situation by saying something like:^{[2]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- “I see what you’re saying, but I don’t think of myself the same way you seem to.”
- “I’d prefer not to argue with you.”
- “I think we simply have a difference of opinion here.”
- It’s also appropriate to simply leave the room if a narcissist is abusing you verbally. If they’re physically threatening you, please escape the situation as safely and quickly as you can.

2

Focus on the issue at hand.

Focusing on their current behavior can keep things more civil. Threatening a narcissist’s self-image by describing their character can make them lash out—narcissism comes from a place of deep woundedness, and narcissists are very sensitive.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.} Use “I-statements” to describe how their current behavior is what you take issue with, such as:^{[4]
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- Instead of saying, “You’re a narcissist,” say, “I feel like you aren’t currently taking my feelings into account.”
- Instead of saying, “You’re selfish,” say, “I think it would be helpful if you could try to explain how you think I might be feeling.”
- Instead of saying, “You’re abusive,” say, “I feel really frightened by your behavior right now. I’d like to hear what you have to say, but could we have a calmer conversation?”

3

Stay calm and assertive if they talk over you.

Remaining calm in the face of abuse is tough but necessary. A narcissist is trying to provoke a reaction out of you so that they can use it as ammunition to continue attacking you.^{[5]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} Narcissists tend to deny you the right to speak, but standing your ground can help you regain control in the relationship.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.} For example:
- If a narcissist won’t let you get any words in, say something like, “I’ve heard what you’ve had to say. Would you mind if I expressed myself now?”
- If a narcissist won’t stop complaining about you, say, “I see where you’re coming from. I’d like to say a few things now.”
- If a narcissist calls you demeaning names, say, “I understand that this is how you see me. Could you give me a few moments to share how I see things?”

4

Remain focused on the present if they bring up the past.

Staying clear of the past can keep your conversation productive. A narcissist will dispute all the events of the past with you, and try to make you doubt your understanding of all of their past actions. Narcissists are capable of holding grudges and anger for a long time, and will bring up past events where they felt wronged frequently. Try to stick to the abuse in the present in order to keep your conversation as targeted as possible. Say things like:^{[7]
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- “I don’t think now is the right time to talk about the past. I’d like to focus on your anger about the current situation.”
- “I’m open to talking about past problems in our relationship later. For right now, I just want to be clear that I don’t find name-calling acceptable.”
- “I understand that you may be feeling frustrated about some unresolved issues between us. Let’s work on those after we’ve found a way to have a calmer discussion.”

5

Take a break if they rage at you.

Letting feelings cool can calm them down. You have the right to leave a conversation whenever you want: if you want to continue your relationship, tell the narcissist that you’re willing to re-discuss this issue later. Letting them know that you’ve heard what they’ve had to say and want time to think about it can give you a chance to escape the current interaction. Say something like:^{[8]
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- “I have some other things to do now, but I’ll think about what you’ve said. If you’d like to talk more about this, you can call me tomorrow evening.”
- “I think that this conversation could be more productive if we took a break for an hour. Let’s watch some TV, and we can see how we’re feeling then.”
- “I hear what you’re saying. I need some time to process it, and then we can try revisiting this later.”

6

Set boundaries.

Strong boundaries are crucial to prevent further abuse. A good method for setting boundaries with a narcissist is empathic confrontation. This means showing the narcissist that you understand where they’re coming from, then setting a clear boundary and sticking to it. For example:^{[9]
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- “I appreciate that you’re concerned for my safety when I don’t immediately message back. Even so, you need to respect my right to space without screaming at me.”
- “I know you’ve had a tough childhood, and it’s not your fault that you have a hard time trusting people. Be that as it may, following me to work is completely inappropriate behavior.”
- “I realize you tried your best as a parent raising me. But telling other people that I’m a terrible daughter is not okay.”

7

Explain the impact of their actions.

Narcissists are incapable of empathy, so they need hand-holding. A narcissist won’t be able to consider the impact of their actions on you—it just isn’t in their character. When you say that you’re hurt, they might just think of this as “you problem.”^{[10]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.} While you might not be able to get them to change, you can try your best by carefully explaining how their abuse makes you feel. For example:
- “When you call me derogatory names, it makes me feel like I have no value.”
- “When you give me the silent treatment, I feel panicked and scared.”
- “When you throw things, I feel extremely unsafe.”

8

Rely on your support system.

Your friends and family can help you recover from abuse. Grab a coffee with an old or new friend, call a family member, or just spend time with people you care about and who care about you to remind yourself what a good relationship is like. Understand that while a narcissist may never be able to give you the love you need, your other meaningful relationships can.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.}
- When spending time with your friends and family, you don’t necessarily need to vent about your relationship to the narcissist. You can certainly do this, if you’d like to, but even just having a good conversation with someone you value can really help you manage your feelings.

9

Leave the relationship.

Cut ties with the narcissist if you’re ready to move on. Think about what needs this relationship fulfills for you, which ones it ignores, and whether this relationship could ever meet those missing needs. It’s a good idea to talk to a friend you trust so that you can get an outside perspective. When you’re with a narcissist, it’s nearly impossible to get your needs met simply because, to the narcissist, they don’t matter.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.}
- If the narcissist in your life is a parent or someone with whom it might be difficult to completely divest yourself from, try claiming some distance for yourself. This could mean seeing them less regularly or letting them know that you’re only willing to talk about urgent matters.
- If you’re leaving a relationship with a narcissistic friend or partner and have a history of being abused by them, it’s okay to simply send them a message saying, “I’ve decided that it would be in both of our best interests to no longer continue this relationship.” Ghosting is also okay if your safety is at risk.

10

Journal your feelings to heal.

Journaling connects you with yourself, fixing damage to your self-image. For a narcissist, your only real purpose is to serve them. This can cause you to develop a warped image of yourself, one that doesn’t contain the value that you truly have. Take some time for a few days to write down your feelings about the narcissist and how they made you feel.^{[13]
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Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
Expert Interview. 11 April 2019.}
- Ask yourself questions like: What kind of person did the narcissist believe I was? Judging from my other relationships, is that true?
- There are also workshops available to help survivors of narcissistic abuse recover. Consider joining a session to connect with other people who have experienced similar relationships.

11

Process your emotions with a therapist.

A trained professional can help you recover from abuse. Although narcissists themselves rarely attend therapy, you can benefit a lot from it. Talking to your therapist about your relationship with the narcissist can give you a safe space to work through your feelings. Many therapists are also trained in helping survivors of narcissistic abuse and can therefore give you wise and personalized advice.^{[14]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.}