This article was co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW. Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
There are 7 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
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If you're an older adult, one of your greatest desires is likely to have strong and healthy relationships with your children and grandchildren. Therefore, it can be absolutely heartbreaking when the children you raised and cared for start to become abusive when they're adults. Dealing with abusive adult children can compromise your livelihood, so be sure to set strong boundaries, rally your support system, and care for your health and well-being. Aging can be challenging enough as it is— you shouldn't have to put up with abuse from your children.
Steps
Setting Limits
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1Put your safety first. Setting strong boundaries with abusive adult children is essential, but don't do so at the risk of your safety. If you feel threatened or think you may be in immediate danger, get yourself out of the situation before trying to come up with a solution.[1]
- Ask your child to leave if you feel unsafe. Or, leave the environment yourself and go to a friend or neighbor's home.
- If you have been hurt or have been threatened, contact the local police or County Adult Protective Services. If you need medical attention, call emergency services right away.
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2Say “no" to unacceptable behavior. Learn to tactfully put your foot down when your children are being abusive. This helps demonstrate that you will not tolerate the behavior.[2]
- If they yell or call you names, say “Please don't yell” or “I will not tolerate name-calling.”
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3Verbalize your boundaries clearly. Explain what will happen if the inappropriate behavior occurs. Do this clearly and thoroughly so there is no question regarding what steps you'll take if the boundary is crossed.[3]
- For example, you might say, “If you yell or call me names, I will discontinue the conversation” or “If you come to my home drunk, I will call the police.”
- If it's necessary, refuse to open your door and change your locks if they have a key.
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4Follow through when boundaries are violated. Show your adult children that you mean business and will not allow the unacceptable behavior to continue. You can do this by actually enforcing the consequence you said you would.[4]
- For instance, if you said you would not engage in conversation if there is yelling or name-calling, disengage and leave the room. If you said you'd call the police when your child comes by under the influence, do so.
- Be sure that you only verbalize consequences that you are ready and willing to follow through with. That way, you can be consistent every time a boundary is violated.
Getting Help
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1Recognize elder abuse. Some older adults are fully functioning and dealing with abuse from adult children. Others are disabled and dependent on these abusive children. All abuse is bad, but elder abuse is a crime. Here's how to spot it:[5]
- Physical abuse that includes hitting, pinching, or restraining that causes pain.
- Psychological or emotional abuse such as humiliating or blaming that causes mental distress.
- Financial abuse that involves misusing or exploiting money or material possessions.
- Neglect which involves failing to provide adequate care to an elderly person.
- Sexual abuse which includes involvement in sexual acts without consent.
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2Confide in someone you trust. If you are being abused by an adult child, tell someone about it. Reach out to a trusted friend, caregiver, or doctor and tell them what's happening.[6]
- If the person you talk to doesn't do anything to help you, keep telling until someone does.
- If the abuse is not technically elder abuse, this person can still offer you support and help you brainstorm ways of stopping the abuse.
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3Contact the authorities. If your adult child is physically, verbally, financially, or sexually abusive, there are steps you can take to protect yourself. Call a helpline in your area to talk to someone about your situation. They can help guide you in getting help and reaching out to the proper authorities in your community.[7]
- If you're in the US, call the Eldercare Locator helpline at 1-800-677-1116.
- If you're in the UK, call the Action on Elder Abuse hotline at 080 8808 8141.
Caring for Yourself
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1End the relationship if the abuse continues. If your child continues to abuse you, get distance from them. How you do this will depend on the nature of the relationship.[8]
- If the adult child lives in your home, you might ask them to move out.
- If they live elsewhere, you might request that they stop visiting you (unless they can treat you appropriately).
- If you are dependent on them, you might try to make other arrangements, such as moving in with a different family member or moving into an assisted living facility.
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2Talk to a counselor. Experiencing abuse from a loved one can have terrible ramifications on your overall health and functioning. Work through what you're feeling by consulting with a professional counselor. This person can offer support and practical guidance for dealing with abuse.[9]
- Ask your doctor for a recommendation to a counselor in your area.
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3Spend time with supportive people. Dealing with abuse can be stressful and cause you to want to alienate others. Don't do this—let friends and family members be there for you during this time. This will help you cope with the abuse and remind you that not all the relationships in your life are toxic.[10]
- Establish a few standing dates each week to hang out with others. Invite a friend over for dinner or meet with a church group on Sundays.
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4Create a self-care routine to manage stress. Nurture yourself by doing activities that help you to relax and decompress. Try relaxation techniques such as progressive muscle relaxation and mindfulness meditation. Also, consider pampering yourself more often or engaging in your favorite hobbies or pastimes.[11]
Help Talking About Abuse
References
- ↑ http://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/
- ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/nextavenue/2013/10/23/the-bill-of-rights-for-parents-of-adult-children/#40dfcea20ab4
- ↑ https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/rules-boundaries-and-older-children-part-ii-in-response-to-questions-about-older-children-living-at-home/
- ↑ https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/rules-boundaries-and-older-children-part-ii-in-response-to-questions-about-older-children-living-at-home/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/elder-or-dependent-adult-abuse
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/elder-abuse-and-neglect.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/elder-abuse-and-neglect.htm
- ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/nextavenue/2013/10/23/the-bill-of-rights-for-parents-of-adult-children/#40dfcea20ab4
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/abuse
About This Article
Dealing with abusive adult children can be emotionally challenging because of your long and close relationships with them. It’s important to speak up so your boundaries are clear when you start experiencing abusive behavior. For example, if your adult child is shouting or calling you names, you might say something like, “I will not tolerate name-calling.” You should also tell them how you’l respond if they violate your boundaries, like refusing to talk to them if they become aggressive. If you can’t confront your child directly about the abuse, confide in a trusted person, such as a close friend or your doctor, so you can get help. Remember that physical, verbal, financial, and sexual abuse are crimes that you have a right to be protected from. If your adult child displays any of these behaviors, contact emergency services for help. For tips from our Relationship co-author on how to cut ties with your abusive adult child, keep reading.
