Should I Tell My Girlfriend About My Insecurities? How to Talk to Your Partner When You're Insecure

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Hunter Rising

Last Updated: June 6, 2022 References

Do you feel insecure about yourself or your relationship but worry about how your girlfriend will react if you tell her? You might be worried that expressing your insecurities will make you seem less confident or attractive, but everybody has insecurities, and they’re nothing to be ashamed of. Keep reading for advice on whether or not you should bring up your insecurities to your girlfriend and what to say if you do.

Section 1 of 3:

Should you tell your girlfriend about your insecurities?

Yes, you deserve to feel heard and understood by your girlfriend. Communicating how you’re feeling is crucial to developing a strong relationship. Everybody has their own insecurities, so it’s completely normal if you’re feeling that way. Whether your insecurities are related to your relationship or not, it’s okay to express how you’re feeling to your girlfriend and ask for some support.^{[1]
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- You can’t control how your girlfriend responds when you open up, but it’s better to address your concerns early on so they don’t build up and come out later in the relationship.
- Your insecurities are valid and you deserve someone who will help you work through them. If your girlfriend thinks less of you because of how you’re feeling, that's a reflection of her, not you.
- There's a stigma that men in particular shouldn't express their insecurities since it will make them less attractive, but that's not true. Everyone has insecurities, and expressing how you feel doesn't make you unattractive (it just makes you human).
- Remember—honesty and communication are important parts of a healthy, long-term relationship.^{[2]
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  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}

Section 2 of 3:

How to Talk about Your Insecurities with Your Girlfriend

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Talk at a quiet time when you’re both in a good mood. You and your girlfriend will both be more receptive to the conversation when you’re relaxed and comfortable. Wait until you have time for a discussion without any distractions or interruptions so you can easily focus on the topic. When you bring it up, frame it in a positive way to help the conversation stay productive.^{[3]
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- “I’d like to talk about our relationship when you have a moment.”
- “It’s been a little while since we’ve just chatted about how we’re feeling. Are you free right now?”
- “Whenever you’re feeling ready, I’d really love to talk about us and our relationship.”
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Tell your girlfriend directly what makes you feel insecure. Never feel bad for expressing how you really feel. Be direct about what makes you insecure using “I” statements so it doesn’t sound like you’re blaming your girlfriend for how you’re feeling.^{[4]
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Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- “I worry that I’m not good enough because I don’t make a lot of money.”
- “I feel ashamed when I make a mistake and someone draws more attention to it.”
- “I feel lonely and forgotten about when you spend time with your friends without inviting me.”
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Mention how you’re trying to improve your insecurity. Taking responsibility for your insecurities shows your girlfriend that you recognize the issue and that you’re trying to get better. When you tell her what makes you insecure, mention that you know it’s an issue and that you’re trying to take steps to feel better. That way, your girlfriend can be there to support you without feeling like she needs to solve a problem.^{[6]
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- “I don’t feel the best about the way that I look, so I’ve been trying to eat healthier and stay active when I can.”
- “Sometimes, I think that I don’t have a lot to offer in our relationship, but I’m trying to take a step back and love myself when I’m feeling down.”
- “I feel like it’s always my fault when you get upset, but I’m slowly recognizing that other factors are causing it too.”
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Express what you need from your girlfriend. Even though you’re the only one that can really fix your insecurities, your girlfriend can help support your efforts. She can help you by being there to listen when you need it, cheering you on, or by recognizing how much work you’ve put in. With her positive reinforcement, it’ll feel a lot easier for you to overcome what’s making you insecure.^{[7]
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Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
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- “I would really appreciate a few compliments every now and then to help me feel less jealous of the other people you’re spending time with.”
- “I’d love it if you thanked me when I help you out so I don’t feel like I’m taken for granted.”
- “When I’m working towards a goal I’m struggling with, a few words of encouragement can help me feel like I can get through this.”
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Ask your girlfriend if she’s been affected by your insecurities. You may not have noticed, but your insecure thoughts could be affecting your relationship more than you thought. Get your girlfriend’s perspective now that she understands where you’re coming from.^{[8]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- “How does it make you feel when I’ve been hard on myself in the past?”
- “I know I’m insecure when I’m not in control, but how does it affect you when I try to step in?”
- “Have you noticed any changes in our relationship since I’ve been feeling down?”
- Try practicing reflective listening throughout the conversation, where you repeat back what your girlfriend says to make sure you're understanding.^{[10]
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  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
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Revisit the conversation later on if you need to. It takes a lot of time to overcome an insecurity or relationship issue, so one chat might not be enough to solve it completely.^{[11]
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Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} After about a month, check in with how you’re feeling again and talk about your progress with your girlfriend. Talk about what’s working and what you can still improve on so you can keep working towards feeling comfortable in your relationship.^{[12]
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- “I’ve been feeling a lot better about myself, but I just want to check up on how you think we’re doing.”
- “I’ve tried to open up more about communicating my emotions. Do you feel like things are improving?”
- “I really appreciate everything you’ve done in the past month to make me feel more loved. Do you feel okay if we keep this up?”

Section 3 of 3:

Tips for Improving Your Self-Esteem

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Address your inner critic. When you’re feeling down, pay attention to the negative thoughts going through your head and recognize it’s your inner critic talking. Rather than stewing in your emotions, use positive self-talk to help push those insecurities away.^{[13]
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Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Tell your inner critic that you’re not listening and that it should go away. As you get better at noticing your inner critic, it’ll be easier to shut them down and stay positive.^{[14]
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- “These thoughts are my inner critic and I won’t listen to what it has to say.”
- “My inner critic is wrong and needs to go away. I look and feel amazing just the way I am.”
- Give your inner critic a silly title to separate it from the rest of your thoughts. That way, it won’t influence how you’re feeling as much. Try saying, “I’m not going to listen to That Old Witch,” or “That Old Witch is lying to me. I am worthy of being in a relationship.”
2
Think about your insecurities realistically. Insecurities can play tricks on your brain and can make you believe irrational things about yourself. Take a moment to sit with those intrusive thoughts and think about how true they are. Pretend that a friend is telling you these thoughts about themselves so you remember to address yourself in a kind and compassionate way.^{[15]
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- If you’re insecure that you don’t have a lot of friends, try listing all the friends that care about you and you’ll probably recognize you have a lot more than you think.
- If you’re insecure about your appearance, consider that everyone’s body is different and you don’t have to compare yourself to other people.
- If you feel jealous that your girlfriend is talking to other people, remember that she chose to be with you.
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Recognize the positive qualities you have. Even though it’s easy to get caught up in your negative thoughts, combat them with the things that you love about yourself. Brainstorm everything that makes you special and unique to overwhelm the inner critic in your head. You’ll find that you have a lot more positive characteristics than you initially thought.^{[16]
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- If you’re insecure about how you look, focus on the features that you love about yourself and think about all the things your body can do.
- If you feel like you aren’t loved in your relationship, list all of your best qualities, like being trustworthy or communicating well, so you can see what made your girlfriend fall for you.
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Practice self-care. When intrusive insecure thoughts take over, find an activity that helps you feel more comfortable so you can calm back down. You could journal about how you’re feeling, go for a walk, exercise, or relax in a hot bath. Be kind to yourself and take as much time as you need to refocus on positive thoughts again.^{[17]
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Make time to do the things you love. If you only base your self-esteem on your relationship, you’ll rely on your girlfriend to make you feel secure and it could feel like you’re not yourself anymore. Acting independently and having your own hobbies really boosts your self-esteem, so carve out time to refocus on your hobbies, interests, and other friendships outside of your relationship. Give yourself some easy, achievable goals to work toward too so you can track your improvement.^{[18]
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Get help from a therapist if you still feel insecure. Insecurities can stem from issues you had from growing up or past relationships, so it might be tricky to figure out exactly why you’re feeling that way on your own. Reach out to a licensed therapist to help you recognize what’s caused your feelings and work through the issues. They’ll help you focus on your strengths and give advice on how to overcome insecure thoughts in the future.^{[19]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How can I talk about a sensitive subject with my partner?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Use the sandwich method! Start by mentioning something positive, and then transition to the more negative aspect of what you'd like to share. Finish up with another positive statement to round everything out.
Question

How do you communicate with your partner when they don't want to talk?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Try to approach your partner with empathy. Say something like, "It sounds like this is a little overwhelming for you at times. What would help you to not feel like you have to run away from these arguments?" You could also ask questions like "Are you feeling like I'm not listening to you?" or "Can we have timeouts but then we resume the conversation?"