How to Know if Your Girlfriend Is Manipulating You

Co-authored by Lena Dicken, Psy.D and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: May 30, 2022 References

When you’re in a relationship with someone, it can be hard to tell if you’re being manipulated. Things that seem normal to you might be off from an outside perspective, or vice versa. Fortunately, there are concrete red flags you can watch out for to tell if your girlfriend is being manipulative. In this article, we’ll help you figure out what’s going on in your relationship and what you can do if you're being mistreated.

1

She makes you feel scared or guilty.

Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around her? When you’re with a manipulative partner for a while, you tend to feel uneasy about almost every interaction you have. This is because in the back of your mind, you probably know that something is not quite right.^{[1]
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WomensLaw.org
Site associated with the National Network to End Domestic Violence aimed at providing free legal resources and aid to survivors of domestic violence.
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2

She gaslights you.

Does she make you question your memories or thoughts? This might look like you bringing up a past conversation, but your girlfriend denies it ever happened. Or, you might talk about how you’re feeling, but your girlfriend says that you’re overreacting or being irrational.
- She might say things like, “Are you sure that happened? I think you’re misremembering,” or, “You’re so emotional. You always over-exaggerate things.”
- Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. If you are being gaslit by your girlfriend, reach out to friends or family for help right away.

3

She plays the victim.

What happens when you try to bring up a problem in your relationship? Healthy partners will talk together about the problem and work with each other to find a solution. However, if your girlfriend is manipulative, she’ll probably try to spin things like they’re your fault, even when they’re clearly her own.
- For instance, maybe you try to bring up the fact that she’s on her phone a lot when you two are supposed to be hanging out. Instead of working with you to find a compromise, she might say something like, “Well, you’re on your phone too sometimes, even when I ask you to stop. You’re making this a huge deal.”

4

She crosses your boundaries.

Does your girlfriend knowingly push your buttons? Healthy partners will always respect each other’s boundaries. If your girlfriend is manipulating you, she might start pushing your boundaries slowly at first to see how far she can go. Over time, she’ll push them more and more until she crosses them completely.^{[2]
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- Maybe you set a boundary that you need 2 hours of alone time after work. Your girlfriend might start by giving you an hour and a half to yourself, then just an hour, then 30 minutes. Eventually, you’ll realize that you aren’t getting any alone time at all, even though you made it clear in the beginning that you needed it.

5

She makes everything about her.

When you two hang out, are you only doing things she likes to do? You might only be hanging out with her friends, too. In healthy relationships, partners will take an interest in each other’s interests and meet each other halfway. However, if your girlfriend shows no signs of wanting to do activities that you enjoy, that’s a red flag.^{[3]
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- Partners can have different hobbies, and that’s totally fine. However, if you make time to do your girlfriend’s favorite things and she won’t do the same for you, she could be manipulating you.

6

She doesn’t let you see your friends.

Does she only want you to hang out with her? In toxic relationships, your partner won’t let you see your friends or family members because they’re a “bad influence” on you. In reality, your girlfriend might be keeping you away from them because they will warn you about her red flags. If your girlfriend is trying to limit your contact with the outside world, you may be in an abusive relationship.^{[4]
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- Your girlfriend might also try to guilt you into hanging out with her, saying things like, “You never hang out with me!” or, “Why do you spend so much time with them?”

7

She makes you prove your love.

Does she “test” you to make sure you actually love her? In healthy relationships, partners know they love each other no matter what. If your girlfriend ever asks you to do something to “prove” that you love her, she’s manipulating you. You don’t need to be tested or prove yourself for anyone, especially not your partner.^{[5]
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- She might ask you to buy her gifts, have sex with her (when you don’t really want to), unfollow certain people on social media, or stop hanging out with certain friends.

8

She holds things over your head.

When she does you a favor, does she bring it up a lot? Healthy partners will do things for each other out of love, not because they can hold it over your head. If your girlfriend makes you feel guilty for asking for help, it could mean she’s manipulating you.^{[6]
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- She might say things like, “You can’t be mad at me, I bought you food yesterday,” or, “I can do whatever I want, because I paid for our vacation.”

9

She’s passive aggressive.

Does she express her anger with sarcasm? Instead of talking with you about why she’s upset, your girlfriend might get moody or short with you. If you ask her what’s wrong, she might say, “I’m fine,” or, “Nothing.” Not talking about your problems in a relationship isn’t healthy, and it may be a manipulation tactic to get you to feel bad.^{[7]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
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10

She micromanages you.

Do you feel like you can live your life how you want to? If your girlfriend is manipulative, she might try to control small aspects of your life. She could tell you what to wear, how to do your hair, what to eat, how to talk, or even what to spend money on. Healthy partners don’t try to control or change each other—they accept each other as they are.^{[8]
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- She might also ask you who you’re talking to on the phone, or try to check your texts.

11

She criticizes you.

Do you feel like you can’t do anything right? Your girlfriend may be trying to lower your self-esteem. When you talk to your girlfriend, do you feel happy and good about yourself? Or do you often feel upset and belittled? In healthy relationships, partners want to lift each other up, not tear each other down.^{[9]
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- Constructive comments are okay, but calling your partner names or disrespecting them is not.

12

She hides things from you.

Is she secretive about her phone or computer? This probably means that she’s doing things she knows you wouldn’t like. She might get jumpy or nervous when you ask to see her phone, or berate you for borrowing her computer. She could be chatting with people online or posting things about you behind your back.^{[10]
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- Unfortunately, being nervous about her devices could also mean that she’s cheating on you.

13

She invades your privacy.

Does she make you share your passwords with her? In healthy relationships, both partners are allowed to have their privacy. If your girlfriend demands that you give her the password to your social media accounts, your computer, or your bank account, that’s a bad sign.^{[11]
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State of Massachusetts
Official website for the State of Massachusetts
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- Even if you have nothing to hide, you still don’t have to give your partner total access to your accounts. Everyone deserves their own privacy, even in a relationship.

14

She threatens you.

Have you tried to break things off, only to be manipulated into coming back? Your girlfriend might have told you that she would hurt herself or you if you break up with her. This is a clear manipulation tactic, and it’s extremely unhealthy for both partners.^{[12]
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State of Massachusetts
Official website for the State of Massachusetts
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- You’re allowed to break up with whoever you want, whenever you want. Your girlfriend can’t manipulate you into staying in an unhealthy relationship.