How to Parent Effectively

Co-authored by Kathy Slattengren, M.Ed.

Last Updated: December 30, 2022 References

By parenting effectively, not only are you ensuring your child becomes the best person they can be, but also giving yourself a gift that keeps on giving! When children are effectively parented, they feel better about themselves and their abilities. They enter school excited and ready to learn. Most importantly, they learn how to love and respect others - including you!

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Fostering a Loving Relationship

1
Be a good role model. Children learn a great deal about how to act by watching their parents. Children, especially young ones, think their parents are more or less infallible. They see their parents as being supremely intelligent and powerful - basically incapable of making bad decisions. Do your best to live up to this idealized image. Before you lash out or blow your top in front of your child, think about the example you're setting.^{[1]
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- Embody the traits you wish to cultivate in your child: respect, friendliness, honesty, kindness, tolerance, and many more. Do things for other people without expecting a reward. Above all, treat your children the way you expect other people to treat you.^{[2]
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- If you'd like your kids to unplug from their electronics, set a good example by getting off your own devices.^{[3]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kathy Slattengren, M.Ed.
  Parent Educator & Coach
  Expert Interview. 27 July 2021.}
- Children also look for role models at school, among their friends, and in the media. Some of these things you can control, others, you cannot. Know that, though your child may have multiple role models, you have a unique privilege in that you are a near-constant presence in his or her life. Make the most of this privilege.
2
Make time for your children.^{[4]
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Research source} When you have a child, the most important duty you have is ensuring his or her physical well-being - feeding, clothing, and housing them well. This and countless other responsibilities require you to spend time working so that you're able to provide for your child. However, once these necessities are assured, it's very important to invest your remaining time in your children themselves. Never lose sight of the fact that, in the balancing act between your family and your work, your family should always come first.^{[5]
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- When you spend quality time with your child, show them they're important by being fully present in the moment. Put your phone on silent, and turn off other screens, such as the TV or computer. Give your child your full attention.
- With so many demands on your time, it's often difficult for parents and children to get together for a family meal, let alone spend some quality time together. Children who are not getting the attention they want from their parents can act out or misbehave because, to them, negative attention is better than no attention at all. Many parents find it mutually rewarding to pre-schedule time with their child on a regular basis. Create a "special night" each week to be together and let your child help decide how you will spend your time.
- Look for other ways to connect with your child, as well. For example, put a note or something special in their lunch box, for instance.
- At dinnertime, you might ask them to share something they learned during the school day.^{[6]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kathy Slattengren, M.Ed.
  Parent Educator & Coach
  Expert Interview. 27 July 2021.}
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3
Make communication a priority.^{[7]
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Trustworthy Source
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services
Go to source} Though your children should obey you, you can't expect them to do everything you demand simply because you, as a parent, "say so." Children want and deserve explanations as much as adults do. Parents who (at the very least) attempt to calmly reason with their children give them a chance to see why certain rules and restrictions are good for them. Make your expectations clear. If there is a problem, describe it to your child, express your feelings about it, and invite your child to discuss solutions with you. Be sure your child understands the consequences of his or her actions.^{[8]
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- It bears mentioning that, even in the best cases, from time to time, your child will flat-out disagree with you about certain rules and decisions. Don't back down - you have an obligation to explain and discuss your rules, but not to acquiesce.
- When talking with your child, get down on their eye level. This shows them that you respect them, which supports their respect for you.
4
Be flexible and willing to adjust your parenting style. If you frequently feel "let down" by your child's behavior, honestly assess your expectations. Are you expecting reasonable things from your child? Is your child capable of doing these things? Conversely, is your child more capable than you expect them to be - in other words, are they not being challenged? Don't be afraid to change your parenting goals, provided you keep your values consistent and sensitively explain your motives to your child.^{[9]
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- As your child ages, they change. Over time, you will have to change your parenting style - sometimes gradually, sometimes abruptly. Be ready and willing to face this change - just because your child isn't always a cute little baby doesn't mean they are less deserving of love and respect.
5
Be aware of your own needs and limitations as an effective parent. Let's face it - we are all imperfect parents. We have strengths and weaknesses as family leaders. This is OK. Rather than agonizing over your shortcomings, recognize your abilities and vow to work on your weaknesses. Try to have realistic expectations for yourself, your spouse, and your children. You don't always have to have all the answers - be forgiving of yourself and your child will learn to forgive, too.^{[10]
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- Try to make parenting a manageable job.^{[11]
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  Research source} Focus on the areas that need the most attention rather than trying to address everything all at once. Recognize when you're burned out. Hire a babysitter and take time out from parenting to do things that will ensure your happiness as a person (or as a couple). Focusing on your needs does not make you selfish. It simply means that you care about your own well-being, which is another important value to model for your children.
- Be open with your co-parent about your limitations. Talk to them about what you feel you do best and create the best parenting balance between the both of you. By maintaining open, honest communication, you can both parent at your best.^{[12]
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6
Avoid favoritism.^{[13]
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Research source} If you have more than one child, as they grow, their needs and abilities will naturally diverge. Older children will be more independent and need less supervision, while younger children will need extra help and supervision. This is natural. Still, make an effort to spread your affection evenly among your children. Even if, for instance, you find that your younger children take up most of your time and attention, try to periodically let your older children know that you love and appreciate them just as much.^{[14]
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- Schedule equal amounts of one-on-one time with each of your children. Make sure they each get special time with you.
- Never arbitrarily give one child more gifts, affection, or punishments than another. Children will pick up on your prejudices very quickly and may grow to resent you, or, worse, the "favorite" child.
7
Show that your love is unconditional.^{[15]
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Research source} As an effective parent, you are responsible for guiding your child with a loving, corrective influence. Just as you are imperfect, so is your child. How you acknowledge this imperfection and express your corrective guidance makes all the difference in the world.^{[16]
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- When you have to confront your child about a mistake, avoid excessive blaming, criticizing, or fault-finding, which undermine self-esteem and can lead to resentment. Instead, strive to nurture and encourage, even when you are disciplining your child.
- Use every mistake as an opportunity to teach your child something new.^{[17]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kathy Slattengren, M.Ed.
  Parent Educator & Coach
  Expert Interview. 27 July 2021.} Make sure they know that, although you want and expect better, your love is available no matter what.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Encouraging Good Behavior

1
Set limits and be consistent with your discipline. Discipline is necessary in every household. The goal of discipline is to help children gain a sense of respect for others and self-control. Establishing house rules will help children understand your expectations and develop self-control. You may want to have a system in place: one warning, followed by consequences such as a "time out" or loss of privileges. Use these rules to punish bad behavior and encourage good behavior.^{[18]
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- Be fair, but consistent. Don't cave to your children just because they're cute or throwing a fit. Doing so teaches them that they can misbehave without consequences. In fact, it's important to make sure to punish children when they make a scene, simply to demonstrate that it won't get them what they want.
2
Catch your child being good. Parenting isn't just about pointing out the mistakes your child makes - it's just as much about lauding his or her triumphs. Have you ever stopped to think about how many times you react negatively to your child in a given day? For many, it's far too much. Make a point of finding something to praise every day - even something small. Always acknowledge your child's efforts and their good behaviour. ^{[19]
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Research source} With positive reinforcement, you will soon find more of the behavior you would like to see.^{[20]
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- Be generous with rewards, but don't spoil your child - your love, hugs, and compliments can work wonders and are often reward enough.
3
Instill a work ethic in your child. Eventually, your child will have to make the transition to living away from you. This transition is far, far easier for the child if they have some idea of how to work. It's absolutely essential to ensure children learn how to apply themselves. From grade school to college to the working world, success depends on being able to tackle ambitious problems with a sense of self-duty. By providing your child with this early on, you do them a great service in the long run.^{[21]
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- Basically, you need to help your child learn that, to get the things they want, they need to put in effort. For instance, to get an allowance, they need to complete chores, to get a new toy, they need to do well at school, and so on.
4
Help your children, but don't coddle them.^{[22]
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Research source} It's easy to forget that children have virtually no experience to draw on. They're doing everything in their life for the very first time. You, however, have years and years of experience to draw on. When your children are unsure of what to do, whether they're dealing with their first crush or applying to college, be there for them as a mentor and as a resource. Give your child the help they need to make life's difficult decisions.
- However, never do hard things for your child. Children must learn the value of perseverance, which is nearly impossible for them to do if their parent is willing to, for instance, do their homework for them.^{[23]
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- Make a personal rule to never put more effort into a project or assignment than your child does.
5
Present a unified front with your partner when it comes to discipline. From time to time, even the best-behaved children will act out and require discipline. When the time comes to discipline your child, talk with your husband, wife, or partner before you make any major decisions. Decide on a fair, fitting punishment together. Then, and this is crucial, – be sure to agree that you will both enforce the punishment equally. If one of you is "softer" than the other when it comes to punishments, your child will quickly learn to exploit this knowledge.^{[24]
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- In the event that you and your partner disagree about an issue, resolve your tensions in private before discussing the issue with your child.
- If you are a single parent, you'll be the sole source of authority for your child, so it's extra import to be consistent with your rules and punishments. Stick with the punishments you set, and never let your child see you as a pushover.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Nurturing Self-Esteem

1
Give your child opportunities to succeed.^{[25]
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Research source} You can love, encourage, and praise your child to your heart's content, but, as its name suggests, true self esteem comes from within. For self esteem to develop, a child needs to earn their own respect. They need to feel that they're good at certain things - be it sports, academics, music, theater, or anything else - and that this skill came from within, through talent and practice.
- To this end, try to give your child the opportunity to excel in their talents. If they have a talent for music, help purchase an instrument, for example. If they are good at sports, let them try out for whatever teams they want.
- Every child deserves the chance to be good at something.
2
Make your child feel proud of themself. Your words and actions as a parent affect your child's developing self-esteem more than anything else. Praising your child's accomplishments, however small, will make them feel proud; letting your child do things independently will make them feel capable and strong. By contrast, making belittling comments or comparing your child unfavorably with another will make them feel worthless.^{[26]
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- Use your words and actions to teach your child that proper behavior and achievement are sources of good, positive feelings.
3
Show your child they are valued. When it comes to your child's self esteem, actions speak louder than words. Make sure that your actions reflect your loving views toward your child. For example, if you praise your child for their courage in taking on a lead role in the school play, but then don't even make an effort to actually see the play, you've shown that you don't value your child as much as you say you do. Parenting is just as much about loving your child as it is about demonstrating that love.
- This doesn't have to mean giving extravagant gifts - simple gestures are better than the most expensive toys.
- Adults are busy people. From time to time, it's inevitable that you'll miss one of your child's concerts, recitals, games, plays, etc. As long as you express your sincere regret to your child and put in a genuine effort to make it next time, you're still demonstrating your love for your child.
4
Give your child a chance to love. French author George Sand (real name Lucille Aurore Dupin) famously said, "There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved." Children are capable of expressing their affection from a young age - welcome and cherish this affection. As time goes on and your child grows, however, be sure to let the love between you deepen.
- Mostly, this depends on your being present in your child's life and being emotionally available to them.
- If you make sure to spend time with your child and communicate openly with them, your child's love for you will naturally mature. They will learn to support you when you're feeling down and to give your love back when you need it.
- Parenting a child is the most serious investment you'll ever make, but, because of your child's ability to love, it's also the most rewarding.

Community Q&A

Question

How can I parent a parent?

BisexualBoss

Community Answer

You can use positive reinforcement all the way! If your parents are doing something great, give them a compliment, and you'll see more of the desired behavior.