How to Give a Spanking

Last Updated: March 23, 2023 References

Spanking is a much-debated topic. Most child psychologists do not recommend spanking as a discipline method for children. However, some parents will tell you that a spanking given with fairness, love, and care is an effective discipline technique. The decision as to the usefulness of spanking is best made by a child's parents, within the norms and laws of their local regions.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Disciplining Nonviolently

1
Start small. Don't immediately spank your child if you see them doing something you dislike. Talk to them first, and try a nonviolent method of discipline if needed. If you decide to spank a child, it should only be as a last resort, after other methods have failed.
- Conditional spanking (a mild spanking after a 2-to-6-year-old child has defied a less extreme form of discipline) is less risky than spanking as a first resort, according to some studies.^{[1]
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2
Ask the child calmly why they did what they did. The child may not have realized that what they did was wrong, or maybe you misunderstood what happened. Talking can help clarify the situation: either helping the child realize why their decision was a bad one or helping you realize that your child didn't misbehave after all.
- If you're too upset to be calm, say "I'm upset, I need a break to calm down." Walk out of the room and take some deep breaths. Then come back.
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3
Talk to the child about the consequences of their actions. Older children are able to self-reflect and realize why something is wrong. Ask them how they think other people feel about what they did, or what their actions caused. You can use nonviolent communication and "I" phrasing for scripts like "When you ____, I feel ____." For example:
- "How do you think your sister will feel about you breaking her toy?"
- "When I didn't see you in the store, I felt really scared. I need you to stay close by so I know you're safe and not lost."
- "How do you think Dad felt when he had to clean poop out of the bathtub?"
4
Consider whether the child needs to be punished at all. Not every learning opportunity needs to involve punishment.
- For example, if your child resolves to do things differently after a conversation, then there's no need to punish them: they learned on their own.
- Sometimes, it's you who needs the learning opportunity. Perhaps you expected too much of your child, or put them in a stressful situation that they weren't able to handle calmly. Kids don't always have the emotional tools to handle stress in a mature way. Try letting it go this time, and keeping your child's limits closer in mind next time.
5
Look at non-physical consequences if needed. Firmly and patiently tell them what needs to happen. Spanking should never be a first resort, and there are other ways to handle misbehavior.^{[2]
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- Firmly say no. Give a short, clear response to them in a stern voice. For example, "we do not throw snowballs at people's faces."
- Clap-growl. For a young child, clap your hands loudly enough to startle them. Then give a firm "no". But don't startle your child too much or else they might start a temper tantrum or argue back.
- Logical consequences. Tell the child to clean up a mess they made, fix something they broke, or pay for a broken thing they can't fix. This teaches them to fix their own mistakes. (If they are too young to clean or pay for it, you can do it together with them.)
- Give a choice. Let the child choose between two or three options that you are okay with. For example, if your child is resisting getting dressed, say "You can put on your shirt first or your pants first."
- Making up. Have the child make amends if they wronged someone. For example, if your son said something mean to his sister, ask him how he could make it up to her by doing something nice for her. Offer suggestions if your child is struggling to think of something (e.g. "you could make her a card").
- Time outs. A time out should last roughly 1 minute for each year of age (e.g. 2-minute time outs for a 2-year-old).
- Removal of privileges. For example, if your child keeps pushing people while playing, take the toy away for now and tell them why.
- Natural consequences. For example, if your child did not put their team uniform in the laundry hamper and it is not ready for the game as a result, that is a natural consequence.
6
Give yourself a time out if you get angry with your child. Parenting is hard, and it's normal to get frustrated or mad sometimes. If you feel like you're going to explode, step out of the room to calm down. You can discipline your child once you are level-headed.
- Tell your child, "I am so mad, I don't know what to do! I am going to take a break to deal with my emotions."
7
Help a child who is struggling to do what you ask. Sometimes, if a child isn't following a rule often, it's because they're having a hard time (not because they want to be disobedient). Ask "Why is it hard for you to _____?" and listen to them explain why they struggle to follow the rule. Then, work together as a team to help them work on doing what they need to do.
- If your child struggles with cleaning their room, it might help if you do it with them.
8
Talk to a child about how to behave better next time. Sometimes, kids misbehave because they just don't know better. Try asking the child "What would be a better way to handle that?" or suggesting some ways that they could handle a similar situation next time. Talking it out may help the child understand what to do instead in the future.
- If the child agrees to do things better next time, then you may not need to punish them at all. Or, implement some reasonable logical consequences, like having them clean up their mess or apologize to someone they treated unfairly. What matters is that they learn, and punishment often isn't necessary for learning.
9
Praise the child for good behavior. Let them know that you appreciate it when they behave well and help them feel good about it. This motivates them to do it more often. Here are some examples of good praise:
- "I saw you being so patient waiting for your turn on the swings! You did a really good job."
- "I noticed you playing so nicely with your brother. I saw that you aren't hitting him anymore because you know better now. You are growing up into such a kind person."
- "Thank you for putting on your shoes so quickly! Now we will have even more time at the park because you are ready early."
10
Be a good role model. Your child learns how to behave by watching you. Act the way you want your child to act, even if you aren't sure that your child is paying attention. Over time, your child will pick up on your habits.
- Avoid hypocrisy. For example, if you spank your child, but then you tell your child that hitting is wrong, your child may be skeptical and/or confused.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Preparing to Spank

1
Consider spanking only if you have tried all other options. Spanking should be a last resort, after issuing non-physical punishments like timeouts, grounding or denial of privileges. Before you announce the spanking, be 100% positive that you want to spank your child.
- Spanking, even by parents, is illegal in many countries. Even if it's legal in your country, your city/municipality or region may have banned it.
- Recognize that some people consider spanking to be abusive, especially if you hit hard. Never hit hard, use a tool, or leave bruises on a child. Child protective services may be called if people are concerned about you hitting your child, or your child tells somebody.
- Read up on alternatives to spanking.^{[6]
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- Don't spank a child with learning, intellectual or developmental disabilities such as autism or ADHD. This can permanently scar them, (and any child, for that matter) especially if they couldn't control their behavior.^{[7]
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2
Recognize the contemporary research on the consequences of spanking. Many modern long-term studies have shown that spanking worsens behavior instead of improving it. After a spanking, children can often feel rejected, mistrusted, resentful, and unloved. Instead of learning not to misbehave, they learn not to get caught while doing it.^{[8]
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Research source} Children who are spanked, or subjected to other forms of corporal punishment, are more likely to:^{[9]
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- Have less gray matter in the brain.
- Develop cognitive disabilities.
- Develop mental health problems like anxiety and depression.
- Abuse drugs or alcohol.
- Distrust other people.
- Abuse their spouses and children.
- Engage in criminal behavior as they age.
- Die young.
Tip: If this isn't what you want for your child's future, reconsider spanking. The steps in the "Disciplining Nonviolently" section can help you choose a more effective way to change your child's behavior, such as natural consequences.
3
Decide on a private place where the spanking will be administered. Spanking in front of others, especially friends or siblings, can be intensely embarrassing for your child. This can generate feelings of resentment that are counter-productive to your child learning better behavior. Especially if you spank on your child's bare bottom, privacy is important.
- Spanking is already harsh. You don't want to worsen it by humiliating your child in front of people.
4
Warn your child that the consequence of their actions will be a spanking. The child may get upset, becoming angry, resentful, nervous, or even panicked. You should be understanding of these reactions, even if you are firm about the consequence.
- Crying is very natural before, during and after the spanking, and the child should never be punished for that.
- Try giving one last warning, like "If you do not let go of her hair by the time I count to zero, then you will get a spanking." This may startle a child into behaving or at least if they know what it is.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Delivering the Spanking

1
Spank with an open and empty hand, never use a tool. Using anything other than an open hand can be dangerous, and should be avoided. Hitting a child with a belt or an extension cord can cause severe bruising, painful welts, and even lacerations (in severe cases).^{[13]
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- If you do not think you can control yourself, then leave the room and do not give the spanking.
2
Remove all rings from your fingers. These can hurt your child and be dangerous for own hands as well. You don't want anything that will obstruct the spanking or possibly hurt/injury your child. Also, consider taking out any items in your pockets that may make it uncomfortable for your child to lie across your lap, and the same goes for your child.
3
Bend your child over your knee. Sit down, then bend the child over your lap with their stomach facing down. Then, tell your child to stay still and not stand up. Let them tell you when they are ready.
- If you decide to spank your child on their bare bottom, remember that while this lets you visualize the child's buttocks and know if you are hitting too hard (from any reddening) or, especially with a younger child, be less likely to accidentally hit other parts (such as genitals), potential (and highly likely) downsides include the risk of the spanking being more painful than intended or being emotionally and/or sexually humiliating to the child, especially an older one, from the exposure of their private parts. If you are concerned about any of that, reconsider bare bottom spanking and spank over clothing instead.
Tip: Don't assume because, when as a child you were spanked by your own memory you can know for certain if your child feels humiliating sexual trauma or unintended sexual arousal, especially boys do to forced nudity and genital exposure. If uncertain, don't spank in any ritualized manner.
4
Relax your hand and all your limbs, with one firm hand on their back and one on their bottom. Make sure your child isn't squirming and their legs are locked.
- Do not talk during the spanking. Save any conversation for after the spanking is done—just get it over.
5
Begin the spanking. Strike the child's bottom gently, never hit hard. It doesn't take a lot of force to successfully discipline your child, and hitting too hard can cause injury or trauma. Plus, the symbolism of the act is just as important as the actual pain inflicted. Not hitting too hard is even more important with a spanking on the bare bottom and/or younger children.
- Be sure not to be angry during the spanking, as anger can make you hit too hard and thus increase your chance of causing injury to the child.
- To avoid injury to your child, you should keep a safe distance from the genital area, the coccyx and the kidneys of the child.
- A spanking should not last too long, possibly no longer than 15-20 seconds.
- Ideally, the slaps should be mildly uncomfortable but not painful, so make sure to listen to the child's responses, to know if you are hitting too hard. Pay extra attention if you are spanking on the child's bare bottom: do not leave anything other than mild and temporary redness (if any). If you spank this way, pull back up the child's pants and underwear as soon as the spanking ends.
6
Affirm your child afterwards. Tell them that you will always love them, even when they make bad choices. Emphasize that you think they are a good person who just made a bad decision. Never follow up a spanking with any other kind of punishment - after the spanking should come immediate forgiveness.
- After a spanking, the child may think that they are a bad person, or that you don't love them. These misconceptions can lead to even worse behavior later on.^{[14]
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- Don't force the child to receive affection after a spanking if they don't want to. Research shows that being affectionate towards a child after spanking them can actually worsen their anxiety, not decrease it.^{[15]
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  Research source} The child might feel confused and think that the parent is unpredictable. If they want to run to their room and hide after a spanking, let them.^{[16]
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Community Q&A

Question

What if my dad threatens to assault me?

Community Answer

Tell someone you trust about it (like a teacher, counselor, or another adult family member), they can help you get to safety. If you're concerned about your safety at any point, you should just call the police, don't wait to tell someone until after something bad happens.
Question

What if I know someone who is being "spanked" the wrong way, but they begged me not to tell? I even witness it myself and it is horrible to watch.

Dixie Cup

Community Answer

You must tell a trusted adult immediately, even though they are begging you not to tell. This is abuse and the only way it will stop is if you speak up.
Question

My parents hit me all the time and call me names. What should I do?

Luna Rose

Top Answerer

Your parents shouldn't treat you this way and you don't deserve it. Please talk to an adult you trust: a good teacher, a parent of a friend, a clergy member, or someone else. If they do not listen, talk to someone who will. This is a real problem, and a helpful adult can help stop this from happening to you.

Warnings

Spanking, especially on a teenager or on the bare bottom, can be considered abuse and/or molestation by many people.

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Be aware that if you choose to spank in public, you may be confronted by people who oppose what you are doing, even if it is technically legal. This is especially true in areas where attitudes toward spanking are hostile.

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Never spank a child while angry.

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Obey all laws that restrict or ban corporal punishment. If you don't, you will potentially face legal consequences.

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If the school of your child uses corporal punishment, and your child gets a spanking at school, don't spank the child again at home! Many parents do that, but it is an unfair double punishment.

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Don't spank children if you are not their parent, unless their parents give you their permission.

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Never spank in any type of moving vehicle, especially public transport.

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Never spank a child anywhere other than the buttocks, especially the face or the torso.

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Don't give any kind of additional punishments like grounding or timeout; a spanking is enough.

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