How to Overcome Deep Seated Desires for Revenge

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: June 2, 2021 References

Someone may have wronged you and you want to retaliate against them and seek revenge. You feel ashamed or a loss of dignity and wish to seek retribution in the hope of restoring your self-respect. However, seeking revenge may involve violence or unnecessary cruelty towards another person. Acting on your desire for revenge will not likely lead to relief, and may actually cause more suffering. Learning to overcome your desires for revenge may help you move on with your life in a healthy and safe way.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Controlling Your Emotions

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Understand the basic emotions. Revenge comes from feeling diminished by your aggressor and subsequently, you feel ashamed that you allowed this to happen. Such feelings may cause you to feel angry, leading to your desire to seek revenge.^{[1]
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- Emotions are felt physically, so recognizing the physical signs of each emotion can help you get them under control. For example, when you are angry, your blood pressure rises and heat radiates from your shoulders through the back of your head.
- Your emotions can drive your decision making by creating a deeper connection to each decision. When you are feeling angry, you might make more rash decisions than if you felt happy.^{[2]
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Write down your feelings. Putting your feelings into words can help you come to terms with them and clarify your thoughts. Writing down your feelings can help reduce the intensity of your feelings, and help lessen your deep-seated desire for revenge.^{[3]
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- If you do not like to write you feelings down on paper, try talking to someone about your emotions. Find a trusted friend or family member and tell them exactly what is going on: how you feel, who was involved, the reasons for wanting revenge, how you think revenge will make you feel, etc...
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Meditate. Go to a quiet room, sit on the floor, close your eyes and focus on taking slow, deep breaths. While you are meditating, try to empty your mind of all negative thoughts and concentrate on positive things in your life.
- Mediation has been scientifically shown to reduce stress and may be a great coping mechanism for your desires for revenge. It can slow your thoughts and help you feel calm and centered.
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Repeat self-calming statements. Your emotions may become overwhelming and difficult to handle. At times like these, try repeating positive affirmations to yourself to remind you that even though you aren’t in control of the situation, you are in control of your response. These are some mantras you could try repeating to yourself:
- “Things could be worse.”
- “I will take charge of my response to this person’s actions.”
- “I can make it through this.”
- “This is only temporary.”

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Finding Alternatives to Vengeance

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Take out your anger in a constructive way. Anger and hatred often accompany the desire for revenge. Try finding a healthy outlet for these negative emotions. Try doing an activity that brings you joy or listening to music that matches your feelings. You could also try cooking or writing a poem.
- Exercise is a wonderful outlet to negative emotions. Exercise releases hormones that boost your mood and releases stress associated with controlling your desire for revenge.^{[4]
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Take actions that exceed those of your adversary. Instead of stooping to your adversary’s level, take the high road and do something that makes you the bigger and more accomplished person. For example, if your enemy mocked you for doing poorly on a test, instead of seeking revenge on this action, study extra hard for the next test to get the best grade. Your enemy will be unable to continue his mockery of you. By taking the high road, you make yourself feel good by accomplishing something great, and you stop the actions of your adversary.^{[5]
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Write down how you might want to take revenge, and then rip up the paper. Think about all the possible ways, from mild to nasty, to take revenge on your foe. You could ignore someone entirely, block her on social networks, undermine her efforts, send her mean texts anonymously, publicly embarrass her, etc… Reflect on each revenge option, and predict how you will feel afterwards. When you have thought about what you could do, rip up the piece of paper and feel a release.
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Seek the comfort of your friends and family. We as humans are social creatures, and need interaction and support from others.^{[6]
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Research source} When you are having an especially difficult time overcoming your desire for revenge, seek the company of others. You do not have to talk about your feelings or desires. Go for coffee or a movie and try to engage with your friends. This will help take your mind off your desires and make you feel happy, instead of stressed or angry.
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Let time pass. Over time, you will process your emotions, and the desire for revenge will become less intense. As time passes, you will lose interest in seeking revenge, and focus on what is important in life.^{[7]
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- As time passes, things are put into perspective. You will be able to more clearly see what is important in your life, and whether taking revenge is worth the effort and possible consequences.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Forgiving Your Adversary

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Talk to the person. If it is possible, open a dialogue with your aggressor to try to learn his point of view. Ask him questions like, “Is there something specific I did to offend you?” or, “What can I do to make things right between us?" Do not be condescending or argumentative; instead, be understanding and empathetic.^{[8]
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- It may be difficult to face your adversary, so you could try texting or emailing. However, written words may have a different tone than your true intent, and may be taken the wrong way.
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Be compassionate. Show compassion towards your adversary directly and indirectly. She might be going through a difficult time in her life or lack the skills to deal with certain situations appropriately. Recognize that your adversary is human and has feelings.
- Try to open your heart to your enemy and put yourself in her shoes to get an idea how she might be feeling.^{[9]
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Recognize that you are not in control of your adversary. When you choose to forgive someone, recognize that this does not mean your adversary forgives you. You have no control over the actions and feelings of your adversary. Yet, this does not control your decision to forgive.^{[10]
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- Give up the feeling of control by surrendering yourself and trusting that things will work out. Surrender the grasp you think you have on your adversary to help yourself forgive him.
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Understand that forgiveness is up to you. Forgiveness and reconciliation differ greatly because reconciliation requires both parties to work together, whereas forgiveness only requires yourself. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean letting her off the hook, it simply means that you accept what happened and you are willing to move on.^{[11]
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- To “forgive and forget” may not be the best strategy. It is good to remember what your adversary has done to you so that you can learn from the experience and recognize it if it happens again.

Warnings

If you feel an uncontrollable desire for revenge, seek the help from a medical professional like a therapist or counselor to deal with your emotions.

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