How to Control Anger in a Relationship

Co-authored by Chloe Carmichael, PhD and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: January 27, 2022 References

Are you having a tough time controlling your temper? Every relationship has its ups and downs, but anger in a relationship can really take its toll. If you feel like you always look for the negatives in your partner, you might be dealing with some anger issues. Fortunately, there are ways you can combat your anger and work together with your partner for the sake of your relationship. Read through these tips to control your emotions and resolve conflicts without blowing up.

1

Step away from the situation.

Take a timeout from whatever is making you angry. You can head to a different room or even go for a walk outside. If your partner is around, ask them to let you have just a few minutes to gather your thoughts before you two talk again. When you’re alone, you can work on calming yourself down and thinking about what you’d like to say next.^{[1]
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- This is a great technique to use during arguments or big fights. Giving yourself and your partner a moment away from each other lets you both gather your thoughts without emotions clouding them.

2

Take some deep breaths.

Focus on breathing in and out slowly. If you feel yourself starting to get angry, take a deep breath in through your nose, then let it out through your mouth. Do this 5 to 10 times until you feel yourself getting calmer.^{[2]
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- Deep breathing also helps slow your heart rate down, which can help remove some of the physical symptoms of extreme anger.^{[3]
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- Practice deep breathing when you aren’t angry so you know exactly how to do it when you start to get upset.

3

Think before speaking.

Collect your thoughts to prevent anger from taking over. While it might feel easy and gratifying to let it all out, you could end up saying something you regret. If your initial reaction is extreme anger, take a brief pause before saying anything out loud.^{[4]
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- If you’re talking with your partner and they ask why you aren’t saying anything, let them know that you’re thinking about what you’re going to say next. Ask them to give you just a moment to collect your thoughts so you don’t say something you regret.

4

Be aware of your anger warning signs.

You can catch your anger before it becomes a problem. If you notice that you’re getting angry, you can use a coping mechanism to calm down or take a quick break. Anger can sneak up on you, so keep an eye out for some of the following signs:^{[5]
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- Clenched hands or jaw, muscle tension (like shoulders)
- Feeling flushed
- Faster breathing
- Headache
- Pacing, increased need for movement
- Pounding heart

5

Repeat a calming phrase.

Use a word or a phrase to remind yourself to stay calm. You can try something like, “relax,” “I am calm,” or even “chill out.” When you notice your anger starting to rise, repeat the phrase either out loud or in your head to get yourself to calm down.^{[6]
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- You can also use this phrase as a trigger to help you calm down again.

6

Identify the source of your anger.

Anger often masks our real emotions. If you’re feeling extreme anger, you might actually be covering up sadness, guilt, shame, fear, hurt, or rejection. Take a moment to examine why, exactly, you’re feeling angry and what you can do about it.^{[7]
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- For instance, if you’re angry about your partner’s spending habits, you might actually be feeling afraid about getting into debt.
- Or, if you’re angry that your partner is late for your dinner date, you might actually be feeling hurt or rejected by them.

7

Notice your negative thoughts.

Anger is often caused by destructive thought patterns. You might not even notice that you’re thinking in a particular way. The first step to combating these negative thought patterns is identifying them, so watch out for:^{[8]
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- Generalizing: Saying that your partner ALWAYS does something, or NEVER does something. (“You NEVER take out the trash” or “You ALWAYS cut me off when I’m speaking”).
- Blaming: Your first reaction is to externalize blame when something goes wrong. You may blame your partner for things that happen to you instead of taking responsibility. (If you leave your phone on a bus, you blame your partner for distracting you).
- Mind reading: Assuming that your partner is purposefully hurting you, ignoring you, or upsetting you. (If your partner doesn’t do the dishes, you assume that they are avoiding them as a way to get back at you).
- Looking for the final straw: Actively looking for things to be upset about or only focusing on negative things. Often, this occurs one small thing at a time, until you reach the “final straw” and explode.

8

Combat your negative thought patterns.

Ask yourself if your thoughts are rational and true. Oftentimes, we have reactions to situations that just aren’t helpful. When you notice that you’re thinking in an unhelpful way, pay attention to your specific thoughts and thought patterns. Then, ask yourself:^{[9]
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- ”Is my perception an accurate and valid approach to the situation?”
- ”Is there something I can do about this?”
- ”Is this ruining the rest of my day? Is this something worthy of pursuing?”
- ”How important is this in the grand scheme of things? Is this something that greatly influences our relationship?”

9

Keep an “us vs. the problem” mindset.

Work together to resolve your issues. When you’re having an issue, your first instinct might be to “win” the argument. However, you should actually try to work with your partner to find a resolution that satisfies both of you. In the end, you should both feel like you’ve “won.”^{[10]
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- You can help this along by using “I” statements.^{[11]
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  Research source} For example, instead of saying, “You always come home late,” say, “When you come home late without telling me, I feel neglected in our relationship.”

10

Practice active listening.

It will help resolve the situation much faster. Try not to cut them off when they talk, and ask follow up questions to show that you understand. You can also try rephrasing your partner’s words to ask them if you’re understanding them correctly. When you both listen to each other, you’ll both feel heard, and your anger will lessen.^{[12]
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- For example, you might say, “I hear you saying that you want me to consider your feelings more and not assume you want something. Is that right?”

11

Tell your partner clearly what you need.

Resolve conflict by communicating a resolution. Try to keep anger and emotions out of it, and instead state clearly what you’d like to happen in the future. Your partner can offer their input and give alternate resolutions, but you should both work together to calmly figure out what to do next.^{[13]
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- For example, you might say, “I need you to text me when you’re going to be staying out late. It worries me when I don’t hear from you after dark.”
- Or, “It would really help me out if we could make a chore chart and split the chores evenly.”

12

Forgive your partner.

Holding onto anger will hurt you both in the long run. If you’ve resolved the situation and you both feel happy with the outcome, try not to hold onto any resentments. Forgiveness doesn’t have to mean that you take responsibility or even that you think what happened was okay, but it does mean that you’re willing to let it go. When an argument is resolved, try not to bring it up again in any further disagreements.^{[14]
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- Some situations are so tough that they take a long time to forgive. If you aren’t sure that you can forgive your partner, it may be time to seek couple’s counseling.

13

Talk to a mental health professional if you need to.

Anger issues can take a toll on any relationship. If your anger interferes with your relationship and causes you to hurt people, say or do things you regret, or is completely out of control, consider seeking therapy. You can work one-on-one with a therapist, or check out anger management groups, which unite people over wanting to gain better control of their anger. It’s important to know when your anger is destructive, and that it’s okay to reach out for help for your sake and for the sake of your relationship.^{[15]
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- If you have insurance, check with your provider to find a mental health professional in your plan.
- If you don’t have insurance, consider a cheaper alternative like online counseling.

Expert Q&A
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Question

What causes anger in a relationship?

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”

Chloe Carmichael, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

There could be any number of things leading one of you to anger, but your question raises an important point. People rarely get angry for absolutely no reason. There's something triggering that anger, so getting to the source of that problem may lead to a resolution.
Question

How can I stop myself when I want to yell at my partner?

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”

Chloe Carmichael, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

It seems counterintuitive, but try congratulating yourself. If you can recognize when you're about to have an outburst, that awareness can drastically bring you down to a better place.