How to Love a Woman with Abandonment Issues

Co-authored by Peggy Rios, PhD and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: December 29, 2022 References

Does your partner constantly “joke” about you leaving them for someone better? Or, do they repeatedly pull away, only to get jealous when your attention is elsewhere? These are classic signs of someone with abandonment issues. Fortunately, by understanding where your partner’s behavior comes from and taking steps to support her, you can foster a healthy, loving relationship. Keep reading to learn exactly how to love a woman with abandonment issues.

1

Ask her how she’s feeling.

Check in with her so she can express her emotions often. People with a fear of abandonment often have a tough time expressing themselves, especially if they feel they might be judged for it.^{[1]
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Research source} According to Clinical Psychologist Peggy Rios, "there's [often] some past experiences that will predispose people to thinking [they are not good enough to be in the relationship, such as] overly critical family members or [...] painful friendships [...] where they were made to feel less than their peers." You can mitigate these fears by fostering open communication and checking in on her emotional well-being.
- “Hey honey, you seemed kind of anxious today. Everything okay?”
- “Do you have time to chat? I just wanted to see how your day was going.”

2

Be patient with her.

Giving her time to open up can increase trust. Clinical Psychologist Peggy Rios explains that a key to working through abandonment issues is "identifying when [negative] thoughts and feelings come into [your] mind and [being] able to realistically challenge them." This takes time, so your partner might take a longer time to break down her emotional walls with you, and that’s okay. Give her all the time and space she needs until she feels ready, and try not to put pressure on her.^{[2]
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- You can encourage her to open up by being open yourself. Share something vulnerable with her so she sees just how much you trust her.
- Talk about wanting to get together in an open way, without being forceful.

3

Shut down negative self-talk.

Help her change the way she thinks and talks about herself. If your partner has abandonment issues, she might automatically talk badly about herself without even realizing it. As Clinical Psychologist Peggy Rios explains, "fear of abandonment is often rooted in some underlying assumption that you're not good enough and will be left." You can help her be kind to herself to silence her negativity and think kindly about herself instead.^{[3]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source} Try gently calling out any negative self-talk you hear to redirect it toward a positive, healthy phrase.
- “There’s no need to call yourself stupid. Everyone makes mistakes, and it’s not a big deal.”
- “Don’t worry about it—I did the same thing yesterday! We’re only human.”

4

State your feelings and intentions clearly.

Be open and honest so you don’t leave any room for doubts. People with abandonment issues can sometimes have an "uncomfortable [feeling of] not knowing if [others] really want to talk to [them] or not." In addition, people with abandonment issues often assume the worst about people, because they’re afraid of being abandoned again. You can reassure your partner by being totally honest about your feelings and where you see this relationship going. Keep her in the loop so she never feels blindsided, since that will help her trust you completely.^{[4]
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- Try to be honest about your feelings, even if they’re negative. Just be sure to follow up with your intentions to stay in the relationship so she feels reassured.
- “I’m feeling frustrated right now, and I need some time to cool off. But I want you to know that we’re not breaking up, and I still love you very much.”

5

Practice open body language.

Nonverbal communication will strengthen your relationship. People with abandonment issues often pick up on the body language of others, so your partner may be picking up on signals you’re not even aware of.^{[5]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} To make her feel loved and secure, uncross your arms, stand tall with good posture, and look her in the eyes when you talk.
- On the flip side, closed body language (like crossed arms or facing away) could make her feel like you’re hiding your true feelings.

6

Set boundaries for yourself.

Boundaries help to prevent unhealthy behaviors in your relationship. Sometimes, people with abandonment issues will unintentionally engage in toxic behaviors, like manipulation or blame.^{[6]
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Research source} If you notice your partner doing that, sit her down and talk about your boundaries within the relationship. Be firm but kind, and let her know that she needs to work on her behavior in order to continue the relationship.
- “I love spending time with you, but I want to spend time with my friends, too. I need you to stop guilt-tripping me every time I hang out with other people.”
- “I can tell that you’re trying to pick a fight with me right now, and I think you’re doing it to push me away before I can push you away. I understand where that behavior is coming from, but I really need you to trust that I’m not going to leave you.”

7

Say "I love you" more often.

Keep reiterating your love so she doesn’t forget it. When your partner has abandonment issues, they need more reassurance than the average person does. This is because abandonment issues are often rooted in the belief that a person isn’t “good enough.” It might seem like overkill, but try to tell her at least once a day how much you love her and why she’s so special to you.^{[7]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} Even if she shies away from it, just know that she appreciates it every time.
- Try telling her why, exactly, you love her so she believes you even more.
- “You’re such a kind person. I love you so much.”
- “You always know how to make me laugh, and that’s why I love you!”

8

Support her without trying to fix her.

It’s your partner’s job to work on themselves, not yours. You can absolutely support her in her journey for self-healing, but you can’t force her to do anything. Give her your love and support, but don’t feel responsible for her actions.^{[8]
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- It can be frustrating to hear about your partner’s problems and not be able to do anything about it. Try to remind yourself that just listening and being there for her is helpful enough.

9

Remind her that you’d never leave her.

Keep making her feel secure so she trusts you. While it might not seem fair, dating someone with abandonment issues might mean that you have to tell them over and over again that you aren’t leaving. Be prepared to argue with her perceptions, and don’t take it personally if she keeps asking you when you’re going to abandon her.
- You can shut down questions like these with calm, loving answers. Say something like, “That’s not true. I love you, and I’m not going to leave you,” or, “I think your mind is playing tricks on you again. I’m not going to abandon you.”
- She needs reassurance because she’s been hurt so much in the past. People have probably assured her that they’re not going anywhere, but when that turned out to be a lie, she developed trust issues.^{[9]
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10

Remember that her behavior isn’t about you.

Understanding that it’s not personal can help your relationship thrive. It can be frustrating to repeat yourself over and over again about how much you love her and that you’d never leave her. Try to remember that she’s not doing this because of you—she’s doing it because of her past experiences.^{[10]
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Research source} Even if you are a picture-perfect partner, someone with abandonment issues is going to need extra support, and that’s okay.
- If it ever becomes too much for you, sit your partner down and talk with her about it. It’s better to let her know now that her behavior is causing you stress rather than keeping her in the dark.

11

Encourage your partner to get therapy.

A mental health professional can help her cope with her emotions. People with abandonment issues can absolutely develop a more secure attachment, but it’s going to take time (and professional help). Support your partner by encouraging her to seek out an appointment with a therapist to work through her feelings and find positive coping mechanisms she can try.^{[11]
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Research source} According to Clinical Psychologist Peggy Rios, a professional can help clients "identify the feelings, the thoughts, and the sensations that come up in the person's mind that predispose them to begin to fear that they're going to be rejected."
- “Have you ever thought about talking to a professional? I really think that you might be happier if you had someone help you work through your emotions.”