How to Know when She Just Isn't Interested in You

Co-authored by John Keegan

Last Updated: September 15, 2021 References

It can be hard to navigate the world of flirtation and dating--trying to determine if a girl is shy, or playing hard to get, or if she's just not interested can be pretty confusing. While it's important to remember that no two girls are the same, and therefore might express their interest in different ways, there are some signs you can look for that suggest she's not feeling it.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Noticing How She Acts

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Try to read her body language when you're together. People are usually very aware of their facial expressions, but they don't necessarily realize that their bodies are sending pretty loud messages, too.^{[1]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.} She may be giving you hints that she's not interested in the way she positions her body.^{[2]
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- If she turns her body away from you, or leans back or away from you, it's a sign she may be uncomfortable.^{[3]
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- She keeps a barrier between you. If she always positions herself behind a chair or a table or holds her purse or backpack in front of her like a shield, she might not be interested in you.^{[4]
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- If she walks away when she sees you or appears to be avoiding you, she is not interested and you should not try to follow.
2
Check if she avoids making eye contact with you. Making eye contact can actually be quite intimate, and some girls may look down or away because they are shy. But if you find that her eyes are always darting around when you talk to her, as though she's looking for her friends, she not really feeling the conversation and you should politely excuse yourself.^{[5]
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- Remember that one conversation during which she seems distracted or isn't looking at you doesn't mean she doesn't like you. But if it seems to happen every single time you try to talk to her, something is up.
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See if she treats you different when it's just the two of you versus when you're in public. She's flirty and talkative during class or when you have a shift together at work. Then you run into her when she's out with her friends, and she looks right through you. If there's a huge gap between how she treats you in private and in front of her friends, she might just be flirting with you out of convenience.^{[6]
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- She might also be too self-conscious or shy to say hello to you in front of all of her friends. Are her friends are constantly glancing at you, even if she's not? It might mean she's talked about you to her friends.
- Try making the first move and see how she reacts. Say hello when you see her out in public. If she seems embarrassed, is rude, or flat out ignores you, then you can be pretty sure she's not interested.
4
Watch her reaction when you tell a funny story. Even if it's not that funny, a girl will usually laugh when a guy she likes makes a joke.^{[7]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.} Keep in mind, this is something most friends do, too, so it doesn't automatically mean she's into you. But if she doesn't even giggle at your funniest stories, you might need to find someone else who appreciates your humor.^{[8]
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- If she doesn't crack a smile at your joke, it could be because she's having a bad day (or it was a terrible joke). But if your jokes are met with silence day after day, then it's time to move on.
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Notice if your dates always turn into group hangouts. If you ask her to the movies and she shows up with three friends, it might be a miscommunication. But if it happens every time you invite her to do something, it might be her way of letting you know she just wants to be your friend.^{[9]
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- Keep in mind some girls are not allowed to date until a certain age, and she may need her friends to tag along so her parents will let her hang out with you. But she should definitely let you know ahead of time that this won't be a solo hang.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Listening to What She Says

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Be aware if she only talks to you when she needs something. If you only hear from her when she needs help with her homework or a project, or she needs a ride somewhere, but she doesn't have time to talk to you or she's always too busy to hang out, she might be manipulating you and not truly interested in you.^{[10]
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- Relationships go two ways--one person should not always be giving or doing things for the other person and get nothing in return.
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Take the hint if she says you are like her brother. While this means you two are close and she has genuine affection for you, it's unlikely she sees you as anything beyond a good friend. Saying you think of someone as a sibling is basically removing any romantic possibilities from the equation.^{[11]
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- Even if there's not a chance for romance, a girl who describes you this way definitely values your presence in her life.
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Pay attention to how often she asks you questions about yourself and how much she talks about herself. If you can hardly get a word in because she's talking about what she was doing last weekend, her plans for winter break, then gossiping about her friend, and she has yet to ask about your weekend, she's probably more into herself than she's into you.^{[12]
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- If you know all the details of her life but she struggles to remember even the most basic things about you, she's likely not interested in you, but she's probably not a very good friend, either.
- If she doesn't ask you a lot questions about yourself but she already seems to know a lot about you, then she's probably interested in you. It's likely she's been asking her friends about you and paying attention to the sports or clubs you are involved in. Try telling her something surprising about yourself and see how she reacts.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Dealing with Rejection

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Decide if you can just be her friend. If she makes it clear that she only wants to be your friend, think about if you are okay with accepting that role in her life. If you think staying close to her and watching her possibly date other guys (and maybe even ask your advice about them) would be too painful, it's okay to say so. But if you think you can put your romantic feelings aside, be glad this rad girl wants you in her life and make the most of your friendship.
- Don't stick around hoping she might change her mind. It's not fair to either of you if you are secretly hoping she'll fall for you if you do enough nice things for her. You'll be deceiving her and you'll be making yourself miserable.
- If you are spending all your energy trying to convince her that you're the right person for her, you may be missing out on other girls that would love to date you.
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Give her some space. You may agonize over why she doesn't like you back, and you may want to ask her to explain it to you, or convince her that she's wrong, or tell her friends to tell her you'd make an amazing couple... but you should probably cool it. If you keep pursuing her when she's not interested, you may start to annoy her or even scare her.
- You don't need to completely ignore her or be mean. Just take a few steps back and treat her more like an acquaintance.
3
Accept it and move on. Just like you can't help having a crush on her, she can't force herself to have feelings for you. And while it definitely hurts, it's not the end of the world. It's completely okay to feel upset and sad when something doesn't work out. Luckily, she's not the only girl out there, and it probably won't be long until you meet someone new.
- Chances are the girl just thought she was treating you like a friend and wasn't trying to lead you on. Try not to hold a grudge and just move forward.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you know if a girl is not interested in you through text?

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a dating coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. He runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

It should be pretty easy to pick up on it. If she isn't really engaging with you and she keeps responding with one- or two-word answers, she isn't into it. Also, if you're always texting her first, that's a pretty big sign, too.
Question

What are some body language cues that she likes me?

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a dating coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. He runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

A lot of eye contact and smiling is usually a good sign. If she goes out of her way to touch you, that's usually a surefire sign she likes you. The old "hair twirl" move is also a pretty universal sign she thinks you're attractive.
Question

Should I cut contact with someone who rejects me?

Community Answer

That's really up to you. Is the relationship worth keeping, even if it's not romantic? Only you can make that call.