How to Live with Asperger's Syndrome

Co-authored by Ran D. Anbar, MD, FAAP

Last Updated: February 17, 2022 References

Asperger Syndrome is a nebulously-defined category of autism. People who live with Asperger's may be called "Aspies" or "Aspergians" and they are sometimes labeled as geeks, dorks, or nerds. Autistic people often experience problems with social interaction that neurotypicals (non-autistic people) take for granted. With patience and the right help, anybody with Aspergers can succeed in this world.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

General Ideas

1
Remember that autism is a neurological disability, not a disease. It comes with benefits as well as challenges. Autistic people are usually funny, insightful, detail-oriented, and moral. They may need help with social skills, anxiety management, choice making, and understanding unwritten social rules. Since autistic people are very diverse, it's difficult to generalize about their traits.^{[1]
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- Living well isn't just about learning how to handle your weaknesses. It involves building and capitalizing on your strengths.
2
Consider how to develop social skills. Certain areas of socializing, especially socializing with non-autistic people, may be difficult for you. Therapies such as RDI can help you work on learning how to interact with neurotypicals. Consider which different areas you might want to learn more about, such as...^{[2]
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- Conversations in various social situations
- Job interview skills
- Asserting your needs and boundaries
- Reading facial expressions and gestures
- Determining whether someone is interested in talking
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3
Figure out which limitations you can work on, and which ones you need to make peace with. You should only try to improve things that are reasonable, and it's not wise to push yourself to do things that hurt or exhaust you. Work with what you have, and remember that you can define your own success instead of pressuring yourself to do everything that neurotypicals can do.
- For example, you may be able to learn better listening skills, but you might not be able to erase your need for extra downtime. It would make sense to read articles about listening, but it wouldn't make sense to push yourself to work too hard and risk burnout.
- You might not be able to do all the things that neurotypical people can do. Certain things, like hosting large parties, pulling all-nighters, or driving in heavy traffic, may not be realistic goals for you (depending on your individual skills and needs). This is okay.
4
Learn coping skills. Many autistic people have to deal with a lot of stress in life. Find things that make you feel better, such as talking to loved ones, stimming, engaging with special interests, spending time outside, exercising, playing with a pet, or other things that help you feel better. Make time for your mental health each day, and take special care of yourself if you're going through an unusually stressful time.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Ran D. Anbar, MD, FAAP
Pediatric Pulmonologist & Medical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 July 2020.}
- Learn how to handle sensory overload and meltdowns.
- Set aside a quiet space in your home where you can retreat if you're stressed or overwhelmed. Fill it with comforting things, like soft textures, stim toys, favorite music, and whatever helps you feel at peace. Tell any family members or roommates to leave you be when you're in there.
- Try to spend time on your special interest(s) each day.
5
Focus on your strengths. Think about what interests you, and what you're good at. Find ways to embrace, work on, and celebrate these things. Build upon your skills.
- Being disabled doesn't make you a weak or lesser person—it's just one aspect of who you are. You can still find meaningful work, build worthwhile relationships, and make the world a better place.
6
Work on your independent living skills. Some autistic people are able to live independently, while others need extra help. Practice daily living skills, so that you have the freedom to live as independently as is possible and reasonable.^{[4]
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- Start doing laundry, cleaning your room, and doing dishes. Ask your parents for help until you feel able to do it yourself.
- Find a program that teaches disabled people to drive.
- Find a job. Job assistance programs are available to help you.
- Look into supported living, if needed.
7
Find ways to deal with anxiety. Many autistic people have anxiety disorders, including social anxiety, PTSD, panic disorder, and other types of anxiety. These are treatable, and can be managed (if not cured).^{[5]
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- Talk to your therapist.
- Try facing your fears in little pieces. If you're afraid of talking to a guy you like, first smile at him in the hallway. Once you can handle that, try saying "Hi" or "How are you?" Remember that you're in control, and you can back out whenever you start to feel overwhelmed.
- Ask yourself: what's the worst thing that could happen? Is this realistic? How bad is it likely to get? Is it possible that your thinking is distorted?
- If you're feeling bad about yourself, take the perspective of a friend. "Would I be okay with my friend being told that she's a loser? Then should I say this to myself?" "Would I judge a friend for slipping up like that?" If not, then don't treat yourself that way.
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Cultivate your special interests. They may turn into a fun, secure job someday. Furthermore, your colleagues will share your interests, so you can talk about your passion all the time!

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Building Interpersonal Skills

1
Work on reading body language in conversations. There's no perfect rule to know how much you should talk and how much you should listen. The best thing to do is to notice signs of whether someone is interested or disinterested in the conversation.^{[6]
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- Watch people's body language for clues about what they're thinking about. If someone is interested in what you're saying, they will probably look at you, make sounds like "mm hmm" or "uh huh" from time to time, and give questions or comments. If someone wants to change the subject or end the conversation, they might look away (like at a clock or a door), not talk very much, and look awkward or uncomfortable.
- If you don't understand someone's body language, you can ask. For example, "I notice you checking the time. Do you need to leave?" or "I have trouble reading body language sometimes. Do you want me to continue?"
- Sometimes people are interested in monologues, because they want to learn more about your special interests. If they ask, it's okay to dive right in! Monitor their expression, and give pauses to allow them to react, so that you can adjust the subject or answer questions as need be.
2
Know that you don't need to make eye contact if it makes you uncomfortable. While most neurotypicals like eye contact, it can be distracting or unnerving to autistic people. You don't need to do things that make you uncomfortable. Depending on what you can handle, try one of these:^{[7]
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- Watch their hands or feet. (Looking in their general direction suggests listening.)
- Look at their shirt, scarf, or necklace.
- Observe their chin, mouth, nose, hair, or forehead wrinkles.
- Look at their left eye briefly and then shift to their right eye.
- Look at the point between their eyes. Unless they're really close to you, it will appear to them that you are making eye contact.
3
Ask questions to other people. People love to feel like you're interested in them (and their interests). Ask them questions, and see how they respond. If they don't seem to like one question, you can always ask something else. (For example, maybe they don't like talking about their parents, but they love talking about their dog.) See if you can figure out what they're interested in, and then let them tell you about it. It can be an interesting way to learn more about other people.
4
Listen with the intent to understand. Try to fully understand how the person feels before you explain your point of view. While this can be a difficult thing to do, people usually respond very well to it, and feel more opening to listen once they know that they're heard.
- Ask questions to clarify. "She moved the deadline of the report?"
- Summarize what they've said. "So, you felt frustrated when your dad kept cutting you off like that." (It sounds silly, but it works!)
- Ask for their opinion. "Did you think it was fair of the academy to do that?"
5
Ask before offering advice. Many autistic people experience a strong sense of social responsibility, or a desire to help out and fix problems. However, sometimes neurotypicals do not want advice—the best way you can help them is by listening. In this case, it is best to stave off the impulse to help, and allow them to be independent (for better or for worse).
- "Were you looking for advice, or just someone to commiserate? Because that sounds like it stinks."
- "Would you like some suggestions on how to deal with that?"
- "I went through a similar experience last fall. Let me know if you'd like any tips."
6
Learn when it is appropriate to touch and approach people. Practice what you learned and try to follow the treatment plan recommendations.
7
Practice validating others' feelings.^{[8]
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Research source} This practice can cause people to quickly trust and like you. Whether you agree with their actions or not, make it clear that you hear them and sympathize with their troubles. Here are some examples of validating statements:
- "That sounds difficult. I'm sorry to hear you're going through that."
- "You sound excited! I'm happy for you!"
- "Wow, that must have been awkward."
- "I'm really sorry to hear that. That sounds rough."

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Getting Support

1
Ask a professional for advice. Consult a psychologist, licensed social worker, occupational therapist, or a psychiatrist to learn more about autism/Asperger's Syndrome. As therapists, they may develop a treatment plan to assist with daily living.^{[10]
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2
Network with other autistic people online. Autistic people usually use hashtags like #actuallyautistic and #askanautistic. You can share coping strategies, talk about your lives, and make friends who think in ways that you do.
3
Form a team of people whose judgment you trust: parents, older siblings, relatives, therapists, close friends, et cetera. Whenever you feel uncertain, you can come to them for advice. Hearing a variety of perspectives will help you imagine possibilities so you can make the best decision.
4
Join clubs or activities related to your special interest. This will give you a chance to make friends who share your passions, and the fun topic will make the outing less exhausting. Even if you don't talk to anyone there, you have a chance to practice something you love.
- Due to your intense focus and passion, you may even reach a leadership role! This will allow you to coach others (and will look great on your resume).
5
Search wikiHow for articles on social skills and living. Here are several wikiHow articles that cover living with autism:
- How to Balance Studying with an Autism Related Obsession
- How to Avoid Meltdowns
- How to Explain Autism to People
- How to Fall Asleep if You're Autistic
- How to Make Friends if You Have Asperger's Syndrome

Expert Q&A
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Question

How can you live a normal life with Asperger's?

Ran D. Anbar, MD, FAAP
Pediatric Pulmonologist & Medical Counselor
Dr. Ran D. Anbar is a pediatric medical counselor and is board certified in both pediatric pulmonology and general pediatrics, offering clinical hypnosis and counseling services at Center Point Medicine in La Jolla, California and Syracuse, New York. With over 30 years of medical training and practice, Dr. Anbar has also served as a professor of pediatrics and medicine and the Director of pediatric pulmonology at SUNY Upstate Medical University. Dr. Anbar holds a BS in Biology and Psychology from the University of California, San Diego and an MD from the University of Chicago Pritzker School of Medicine. Dr. Anbar completed his pediatric residency and pediatric pulmonary fellowship training at the Massachusetts General Hospital and Harvard Medical School and is also a past President, fellow and approved consultant of the American Society of Clinical Hypnosis.

Ran D. Anbar, MD, FAAP

Pediatric Pulmonologist & Medical Counselor

Expert Answer

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Practice habits that lower stress. Exercise is a good way to lower stress levels. Also make sure you are getting enough sleep, eat well, and limit how much caffeine you consume.
Question

How can I relax before I talk to people who don't have Asperger's?

Ran D. Anbar, MD, FAAP
Pediatric Pulmonologist & Medical Counselor
Dr. Ran D. Anbar is a pediatric medical counselor and is board certified in both pediatric pulmonology and general pediatrics, offering clinical hypnosis and counseling services at Center Point Medicine in La Jolla, California and Syracuse, New York. With over 30 years of medical training and practice, Dr. Anbar has also served as a professor of pediatrics and medicine and the Director of pediatric pulmonology at SUNY Upstate Medical University. Dr. Anbar holds a BS in Biology and Psychology from the University of California, San Diego and an MD from the University of Chicago Pritzker School of Medicine. Dr. Anbar completed his pediatric residency and pediatric pulmonary fellowship training at the Massachusetts General Hospital and Harvard Medical School and is also a past President, fellow and approved consultant of the American Society of Clinical Hypnosis.

Ran D. Anbar, MD, FAAP

Pediatric Pulmonologist & Medical Counselor

Expert Answer

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Before the encounter, use breathing techniques to calm yourself. Inhale slowly through your nose for 3 seconds, hold your breath for 5 seconds, and exhale slowly through your mouth for 7 seconds. Repeat this cycle of breathing 10 times, and you should feel much calmer.
Question

How can I stop being up in my head all the time when I'm talking to people?

Ran D. Anbar, MD, FAAP
Pediatric Pulmonologist & Medical Counselor
Dr. Ran D. Anbar is a pediatric medical counselor and is board certified in both pediatric pulmonology and general pediatrics, offering clinical hypnosis and counseling services at Center Point Medicine in La Jolla, California and Syracuse, New York. With over 30 years of medical training and practice, Dr. Anbar has also served as a professor of pediatrics and medicine and the Director of pediatric pulmonology at SUNY Upstate Medical University. Dr. Anbar holds a BS in Biology and Psychology from the University of California, San Diego and an MD from the University of Chicago Pritzker School of Medicine. Dr. Anbar completed his pediatric residency and pediatric pulmonary fellowship training at the Massachusetts General Hospital and Harvard Medical School and is also a past President, fellow and approved consultant of the American Society of Clinical Hypnosis.

Ran D. Anbar, MD, FAAP

Pediatric Pulmonologist & Medical Counselor

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

Be aware that you care much more about what you might say or do in a social situation than do the people you're interacting with.

Warnings

Be cautious if you research autism online. Some sources, like Autism Speaks, say very negative and inaccurate things about autism. This isn't right or helpful to you.

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