How to Help Your Spouse With Depression

Last Updated: December 13, 2022 References Approved

Depression is a mental illness that requires treatment just like any other medical condition. If your spouse is suffering from depression, there are things that you can do to help. Helping your spouse get treatment, supporting your spouse during treatment, and taking good care of yourself are all important ways that you can help your spouse recover from depression. Keep reading to learn more about how to help your spouse with depression.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Arranging Treatment for Your Spouse

1
Recognize the symptoms of depression in your spouse. You may suspect that your spouse is depressed by the way he or she is acting. If you are unsure, there are several common signs of depression that may help you to determine if something is wrong.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Peggy Rios, PhD
Counseling Psychologist (Florida)
Expert Interview. 18 December 2020.} Some of the common symptoms of depression include:^{[2]
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Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Persistent sad feelings
- Loss of interest in hobbies, friends and/or sex
- Excessive fatigue or feeling slowed down in thinking, speaking, or movement
- Increased or decreased appetite
- Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
- Trouble concentrating and making decisions
- Irritability
- Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
- Weight loss or gain
- Thoughts of suicide
- Aches pains or digestive problems
- Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness^{[3]
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  National Institute of Mental Health
  Informational website from U.S. government focused on the understanding and treatment of mental illness.
  Go to source}
2
Encourage your spouse or partner to seek help if they haven't already. Your spouse's depression may be so debilitating that it makes him/her unable to ask for help. He or she may also be embarrassed about their condition. If you suspect your spouse has depression, encourage them to talk to a therapist.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Peggy Rios, PhD
Counseling Psychologist (Florida)
Expert Interview. 18 December 2020.}
- Arrange for your spouse to talk to a therapist. The therapist may make a referral for your spouse to see a psychiatrist.
- You can also ask your spouse or partner if he or she wants you to be there for moral support.^{[5]
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  National Alliance on Mental Illness
  Grassroots mental health-focused organization providing resources, support, and education for those affected by mental illness
  Go to source}
- If you are not sure where to start, you can also consider making your spouse an appointment with your spouse's primary care physician to get recommendations.
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Educate yourself. Understanding depression, its effects, and treatment will allow you to better understand your spouse and help him or her to make informed decisions. Ask questions, read books and visit reliable websites about the diagnosis and treatment of depression. There are many organizations that provide resources for people suffering from depression.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Peggy Rios, PhD
Counseling Psychologist (Florida)
Expert Interview. 18 December 2020.} Check out some of these websites to find helpful information as you support your spouse.
- The National Alliance on Mental Illness website offers many resources, from basic information, to support groups and free courses.
- The American Psychological Association's website offers information on depression, a psychologist search tool, and information on books and articles about depression.
- The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance website includes a variety of resources, such as podcasts, videos, and a support group finder.

Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Supporting Your Spouse

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Encourage your spouse to open up to you. Talking openly about depression as a real illness with real consequences often brings relief to people with depression, since it demonstrates that someone cares and is willing to help. It is important for your partner to get professional help, but your partner may also benefit from talking to you about their feelings.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Peggy Rios, PhD
Counseling Psychologist (Florida)
Expert Interview. 18 December 2020.}
- Say encouraging things to your spouse every day to let them know that you care. Say something like, “I love you and I am here for you,” before you leave for work. Or acknowledge their accomplishments for the day by saying, “I am so proud of you and what you have accomplished today.”
- Let your spouse know that you are there for them by saying something like, “I know you are going through a difficult time right now, and I just want you to know that I am here for you whenever you need to talk. Even if I am not home and you need to talk, call me and I will be there for you.”
2
Listen when your spouse wants to talk. Demonstrating that you are hearing your spouse and understanding his or her point of view is another important aspect of supporting them through recovery. Allow your spouse to tell you about his or her feelings and make sure that you allow your spouse to fully express themselves.^{[8]
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Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Don’t pressure your spouse into sharing. Just let them know that you are willing to listen when they are ready and give them time.
- Be attentive as you listen to your spouse. Nod and react appropriately to let them know that you are listening.
- Try echoing what your spouse has just said now and then during the conversation to let them know that you are paying attention.
- Avoid getting defensive, trying to take over the conversation, or ending sentences for them. Be patient even though it might be hard sometimes.
- Continue to make your spouse feel heard by saying things like, “I see,” “Go on,” and “Yes.”^{[9]
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3
Participate in your spouse's or partner's recovery. While you may not understand the reasons for your spouse's depression, it is important that you support him or her during the treatment process. You may have some idea of what you can do to help your spouse, but if you are not sure you could also ask. Some ways that you could help your spouse include:^{[10]
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- Taking over some of your spouse’s usual responsibilities. This may mean taking over some of the tasks your spouse or partner used to be responsible for, such as paying bills, talking to people who knock at the front door, dealing with neighborhood disputes, etc. Ask your partner what you could do to help if you are not sure. Keep in mind that you won’t be taking over your spouse’s responsibilities forever, just until he or she recovers. You can also enlist the help of friends and family.
- Making sure your spouse is taking care of his or her physical needs. Make sure that your spouse is eating well, getting moderate exercise, sleeping well, and taking his or her medications.
- Sitting in on some counseling sessions, if possible or desirable (but don't force your spouse or partner to agree to let you sit in).^{[11]
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  Johns Hopkins Medicine
  Official resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins Hospital
  Go to source}
4
Provide your spouse or partner with hope in whatever form they can accept. Hope can come in many forms including faith in God, love for their children and any other reason that is meaningful for your spouse. Learn what matters the most to your spouse and remind them about these things during the times they don't think they can hold on any longer. Tell them that bad things pass even if it seems impossible right now, that you'll be there for them through it all, and that he or she is very important in your life.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Peggy Rios, PhD
Counseling Psychologist (Florida)
Expert Interview. 18 December 2020.}
- Make sure your spouse understands how much you love them and that you will support them through this difficult time no matter what. Tell them that you know it's not their fault.
- Make sure they know that you understand if they can't meet certain household obligations. Things that you consider normal everyday tasks such as feeding the dog, cleaning the house or paying the bills might be overwhelming to them.
- Always talk about the illness creating the thoughts in your spouse or partner, and that it is the illness that causes him or her to think things are terrible, impossible, unfixable, etc. Acknowledge your spouse's feelings and promise to work out a solution together.^{[13]
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5
Encourage your spouse or partner to do the things they used to enjoy and to try new things that might help with their recovery. Ask them to go to the movies with you or to go on walks with you. If they refuse the first few times, just be patient and keep asking. Just don't push too hard, since he or she may not be able to cope with too many activities at once.^{[14]
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- Remember to praise your spouse or partner whenever they're doing something that benefits them and makes them feel better. A simple statement like "Thanks for mowing the lawn. It looks beautiful. I really appreciate it" could mean a lot to a person with depression.
6
Plan fun things to do. Your spouse might feel more comfortable just spending time at home with you and your family, but you should plan fun activities for the whole family to enjoy. It's good for everyone in a family to have things to look forward to. These will be beneficial for not only your spouse or partner with depression but also for you and for any kids, as a change in environment will give you all a break.^{[15]
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Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- If you don’t have kids, consider inviting a couple of good friends over. Just make sure that you invite friends that your spouse feels really comfortable around.
7
Recognize the signs of suicide. People with depression do sometimes commit suicide when the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness become too much to bear. If your spouse talks about suicide, take it seriously. Don't assume they won't act out on their thoughts, especially where there is evidence that they have a plan. Be on the lookout for the following warning signs:^{[16]
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Trustworthy Source
Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Threats or talk of suicide
- Statements implying they don't care about anything or won't be around anymore
- Giving away their stuff; making a will or funeral arrangements
- The purchase of a gun or other weapon
- Sudden, unexplained cheerfulness or calm after a period of depression
- If you observe any of this behavior get help right away! Call a health care professional, mental health clinic or the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988 (can also be texted) to get advice about what action to take.^{[17]
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8
Look after yourself. It's easy to forget about your own needs when your spouse is in pain, but if you're unable to function properly, then you won't be able to help. In fact, feelings of depression can influence the mood of your entire family. That's why you should be sure to take good care of yourself while you are helping your spouse deal with depression.^{[18]
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Trustworthy Source
Mind
U.K.-based mental health charity focused on providing advice and resources to anyone facing mental health problems.
Go to source}
- Get enough sleep, eat well, keep exercising, and keep in touch with family and friends for emotional support.
- Set aside some alone time to step away from the situation.
- Consider getting therapy or joining a support group since this may help you cope better with your spouse's depression.^{[19]
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- Reduce your stress at work and other situations. Having too many sources of stress will wear you down.
- You'll also need to deal with the impacts of your spouse's or partner's depression on your kids; seek advice from your doctor and other health professionals in charge of caring for your kids' well-being.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you love someone with mental illness?

Rebecca Ward, LMFT, SEP, PCC, MA
Licensed Therapist
Rebecca A. Ward, LMFT, SEP, PCC is the Founder of the Iris Institute, a San Francisco, California-based business focusing on using somatic expertise to teach individuals and groups the skills to deal with dilemmas using interventions, including her own Original Blueprint® method. Ms. Ward specializes in treating stress, anxiety, depression, and trauma. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), a Somatic Experiencing® Practitioner (SEP), and a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) accredited by the International Coach Federation (ICF). Rebecca holds an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marymount University and an MA in Organizational Leadership from The George Washington University.

Rebecca Ward, LMFT, SEP, PCC, MA

Licensed Therapist

Expert Answer

If you'd love this person without the mental illness, there's no reason you can't love them with the mental illness. There's this common misconception that mental illness is in your head and that you can solve the problem just by thinking differently, but this just isn't the case. Encourage the person you love to get help, support them however you can, and try not to fixate on the illness.
Question

Can depression make you want to leave your spouse?

Peggy Rios, PhD
Counseling Psychologist (Florida)
Dr. Peggy Rios is a Counseling Psychologist based in Florida. With over 24 years of experience, Dr. Rios works with people struggling with psychological symptoms such as anxiety and depression. She specializes in medical psychology, weaving together behavioral health programs informed by empowerment theory and trauma treatment. Dr. Rios uses integrated, evidence-based models to provide support and therapy for people with life-altering medical conditions. She holds an MS and Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Maryland. Dr. Rios is a licensed psychologist in the state of Florida.

Peggy Rios, PhD

Counseling Psychologist (Florida)

Expert Answer

Depression can do funny things to the mind. A desire to withdrawal and avoid others is one of those things, so it makes reasonable sense that a depressed person might want to leave their partner.
Question

Is fatigue a sign of depression?

Peggy Rios, PhD
Counseling Psychologist (Florida)
Dr. Peggy Rios is a Counseling Psychologist based in Florida. With over 24 years of experience, Dr. Rios works with people struggling with psychological symptoms such as anxiety and depression. She specializes in medical psychology, weaving together behavioral health programs informed by empowerment theory and trauma treatment. Dr. Rios uses integrated, evidence-based models to provide support and therapy for people with life-altering medical conditions. She holds an MS and Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Maryland. Dr. Rios is a licensed psychologist in the state of Florida.

Peggy Rios, PhD

Counseling Psychologist (Florida)

Expert Answer

Absolutely. Depression is certainly tied to fatigue, and it can be hard to get enough rest when you're depressed. If your partner isn't sleeping as well as they used to or they seem to have a general tiredness about them, it could be a symptom of depression.

Warnings

Don't try to fix everything on your own, because you can't. Seek out the help of friends and family members. Do the best you can and acknowledge your efforts.

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While being supportive of most paths to recovery, do not indulge your spouse's or partner's attempts to resort to substance abuse as a way of feeling better about themselves. While it might work short-term, this will not be of help in the long term and will ultimately be more damaging.

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If you can, in a crisis, try to call a health care professional or suicide hotline before involving the police. There have been incidences where police intervention in cases of people in mental crisis have resulted in traumatization or death. When possible, involve someone you're sure has the expertise and training to deal specifically with mental health or psychiatric crises.^{[20]
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