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This article was co-authored by John Keegan. John Keegan is a dating coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. He runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
There are 15 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 50,696 times.
Every couple needs occasional time apart, either to spend time with other people, or just be by themselves. Sometimes you'll want to talk to your boyfriend about getting some time away. At other times, you'll want to take a break from your relationship in order to better understand it, and maybe consider ending it. Either way, you'll want to do it tactfully, and be as fair to him as possible.
Steps
Method 1
Method 1 of 2:
Getting Some Time Away
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1Understand your feelings. Make it clear to yourself why you think this time apart is important. You'll also want to be clear with yourself that spending time away from him doesn't mean that you don't like him. This will help you be confident in telling him about it. You don't want to use time alone or with friends to escape relationship problems.[1]
- If you are trying to get away because the relationship isn't working, then you should probably consider ending it.
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2Find a hobby that you do by yourself. Everyone needs time alone, to be able to recharge their batteries away from other people. If you're looking for something to do by yourself, consider activities that don't require another person, like reading or painting. Additionally, you can look for activities that you enjoy, but your boyfriend doesn't, like browsing stores, or outdoor activities. You don't need to do everything as a couple, and liking different things is not a sign of relationship trouble.[2] [3]Advertisement
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3Schedule a "girls only" event.[4] Be sure to make time for your other friends as well, especially without your boyfriend. Find fun things that you can do together as girls, like having dinner, going to a movie, or anything that you and your friends can do as a group. Don't let your (or anyone's) boyfriend show up. It is important to maintain the friendships you had before you started your relationship.[5] [6]
- Alternatively, your boyfriend may want, or would probably enjoy, a "guy's night" with his friends. Letting him have it on occasion can be a good opposite to your girl's night, or just a way to get some time for yourself.[7]
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4Talk to your boyfriend about it.[8] Make sure you both know what you are doing and why you are doing it. This doesn't need to be a long conversation, but it can be helpful to let him know where you are so he doesn't need to worry.[9]
- Be specific. Say what it is for, even if it's as simple as "I need an afternoon to myself." Vague statements like "I just need some alone time" can make him nervous. Let him know where you are going and what you are doing.[10] [11]
- Make it about yourself. Talking about "needing space" makes it sound as if you are pushing him away. Instead, talk about "me time" or "time for myself."[12]
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5Remind him that you like spending time with him. You aren't trying to get away for good, just spend time elsewhere. Make sure you remind him of that. Something simple like "I like spending time with you, but I need some time alone too" lets him know you still care.[13]
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6Schedule your time apart. Let him know in advance that you want plans for yourself or with other friends. This can give him a chance to schedule his own time away, rather than being surprised.[14] Just make sure you are also scheduling time with one another as well.[15]
- If your relationship has gone on long enough, you will probably be able to find some routines. These can involve times where you will have time apart from one another. Setting a schedule can be a good way to make sure both of you get the space you need, and quality time together.[16]
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7Avoid worry or guilt while you are away. Time apart is important in a relationship, and you shouldn't feel bad about taking it. If you worry while you are gone, you won't be able to get the kind of recharging you need.
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8Tell him about it afterward. This lets him know that you do want to include him in your life, and should make him more willing to accept it later. Also, it is a good sign if he is interested in the details and learning more about you.[17]
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Method 2
Method 2 of 2:
Taking a Relationship Break
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1Have a good reason. While not quite a break-up, taking a break can be a big step, and you should know why you are doing it. Maybe things aren't moving as well as you would like, or perhaps your relationship has gotten stale.[18]
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2Communicate what you are doing and why. If you think the relationship is important and could still work, make sure your boyfriend knows that. You should want him to think about the relationship too.[19] [20]
- Make sure you clearly let him know how this time will help make your relationship stronger, and that you still care about him.
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3Set a length of time. Before you just leave, let him know how long you're thinking this may be. It doesn't have to be an exact time, something vague like a few weeks. You'll want to set some time so that he isn't pestering you to get back before you've both had the space, and so that you have a chance to work through issues.[21]
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4Decide how often you will communicate. A phone call every few days can be good to keep in touch, but that is up to you. Avoid other communication. That will just make it harder to get the space you are looking for.[22]
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5Decide if you are allowed to date other people. If you are comfortable with him seeing other people, that's fine. Remember, though, that you are still responsible for what you do while on a break.[23]
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7Be prepared for a break-up. While there isn't any conclusive information, taking a break in your relationship can be a precursor for ending it. You may find you don't miss him at all, and that your life is better without him. If that ends up being the case, make contact with him and end the relationship.[26] Taking a break is not the same thing as breaking up, and you both deserve that kind of closure.[27]
- Be prepared for the possibility that he will come to that conclusion as well. Taking a break is a risk, but it may be a worthwhile one if your relationship has grown stale or stagnant.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionIs time away good for a relationship?
Elizabeth Weiss, PsyDDr. Elizabeth Weiss is a licensed clinical psychologist in Palo Alto, California. She received her Psy.D. in 2009 at Palo Alto University's PGSP-Stanford PsyD Consortium. She specializes in trauma, grief, and resilience, and helps people reconnect with their full self after difficult and traumatic experiences.
Clinical PsychologistYes! Remember that it's totally okay to ask your partner for some space. We all need space to address our own needs, spend time with friends and family, and pursue our careers. The amount of space needed is different for everyone, but at the end of the day it's up to you. -
QuestionIs it normal if I want some time away from my boyfriend?
John KeeganJohn Keegan is a dating coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. He runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
Dating CoachIt can just be a sign that you need some time to focus on yourself. Plan a night with friends, find a hobby you enjoy doing alone, or go for a walk.
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Warnings
- Don't withdraw or take time away to avoid relationship problems. You'll have to deal with disagreements or problems at some point.⧼thumbs_response⧽
- While your boyfriend may resist some time away from you, if he is doing that regularly, and is trying to cut you off from others, that can be a sign of an abusive relationship.[28]⧼thumbs_response⧽
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-pleasures-sex/201212/balancing-time-together-vs-apart
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-pleasures-sex/201212/balancing-time-together-vs-apart
- ↑ http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/forget-sex-the-secret-to-a-longlasting-relationship-is-space-20121105-28tle.html
- ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/uloop/how-to-keep-your-friends-_b_2947992.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201406/how-much-time-should-couples-spend-together
- ↑ https://deliver.glamour.com/story/guyspeak-why-does-he-spend-so
- ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ambigamy/201112/getting-away-your-partner-practical-approach-earned-time-apart
- ↑ http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/forget-sex-the-secret-to-a-longlasting-relationship-is-space-20121105-28tle.html
- ↑ http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424052702303836404577474460720719018
- ↑ http://www.thedatereport.com/dating/advice/needing-some-space-doesnt-need-to-lead-to-a-breakup/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-pleasures-sex/201212/balancing-time-together-vs-apart
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-10-secrets-of-happy-couples/
- ↑ http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424052702303836404577474460720719018
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-pleasures-sex/201212/balancing-time-together-vs-apart
- ↑ http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/forget-sex-the-secret-to-a-longlasting-relationship-is-space-20121105-28tle.html
- ↑ http://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice_100/112_dating_tips.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/valley-girl-brain/201404/does-your-relationship-need-break
- ↑ http://www.hercampus.com/love/relationships/we-re-just-break-what-it-means-when-do-it-if-it-ll-work?page=2
- ↑ http://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice_100/112_dating_tips.html
- ↑ http://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice_100/112_dating_tips.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/valley-girl-brain/201404/does-your-relationship-need-break
- ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/valley-girl-brain/201404/does-your-relationship-need-break
- ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tinatin-japaridze/taking-a-break-8-reasons-_b_5046899.html
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/pamela-jacobs/early-warning-signs-of-an_b_6009076.html
About This Article
John Keegan
Dating Coach
This article was co-authored by John Keegan. John Keegan is a dating coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. He runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health. This article has been viewed 50,696 times.
Co-authors: 25
Updated: September 30, 2022
Views: 50,696
Categories: Commitment Issues
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