How to Fix a Marriage Without Counseling

Written by Jin S. Kim, MA | Edited by Eric McClure

Last Updated: May 28, 2022 References

Whether you want to cut costs, avoid the rigid time commitment, or you’re simply skeptical about counseling, it’s reasonable to try repairing your relationship without a professional. So long as you and your spouse work together, there’s no reason you can’t improve your marriage without professional help. In this article, we’ll walk you through everything you need to know about restoring your relationship and getting your marriage back to a healthy place.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed marriage and family therapist, Jin S. Kim, MA. Check out the full interview here.

1

Make a choice to prioritize your marriage.

A marriage, like any relationship, requires effort and work. Make space for that effort and work by deciding to put your marriage first. Every day, check in with your partner, really sit down to talk to them, and engage in the daily rituals of life together.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.} It’s easy to get caught up in whatever interests you and go through the motions everywhere else—especially if your marriage isn’t particularly great right now—but you have to commit to working on what you and your spouse have.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.}
- This is more of an attitude than anything else; approach conflict with a “us vs. the problem” mindset, not “me vs. you.”
- It can help to remind yourself of all of the good times you and your spouse have had together. It’s easy to let things continue to fall apart when you’re caught up in the momentum of a bad cycle, but try to shake yourself out of that by stepping back and remembering the love you have.

2

Diagnose the underlying problems together.

Sit down with your spouse and kindly talk through the key issues. Choose a time when the two of you are in a productive headspace. Calmly discuss what your main problems are, and try to come to an agreement on what the two of you need to work on.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.} Whether it’s communication, kindness, or finding time to reconnect together, you can’t fix your marriage if the two of you aren’t on the same page.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.}
- There may be practical issues driving a wedge between you, like financial problems or conflicting schedules that lead to a lack of quality time together. In these cases, making a gameplan together to alleviate the issue can help relieve a lot of the pressure.
- It could be that the two of you are overly defensive or critical of one another. In these cases, changing the way you communicate can make a big difference.
- If there are issues with trust, talking about what the underlying fear is can help set the stage for some healing to take place.

3

Set concrete goals together.

Once you understand the problems, develop plans to solve them. You aren’t going to fix your marriage overnight, but creating a road map together can make things a lot easier. If the two of you can agree on the nature of your problems and identify the potential solutions, you’ll be able to start working on them together.^{[5]
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Trustworthy Source
University of Rochester Medical Center
Leading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and research
Go to source}
- You might agree to sit down every day and communicate without any phones, TVs, or distractions if the two of you just aren’t sharing enough.
- You could set ground rules for future arguments, like no personal attacks, or set a safe word for when things get out of hand.
- You can agree to give one another at least one compliment every day to try and pump some kindness back into your relationship.
- Alternatively, you might just agree to keep the conversation going and make a pledge to continue discussing what you two need to work on. Sometimes, just knowing the problems are being worked on can make things easier.

4

Schedule restorative conversations.

Set time aside on your calendar to give yourselves structure. It’s easy to say, “Yeah, we’ll talk about it later,” but one (or both) of you may just avoid tough conversations or forget. Scheduling time to discuss your issues ensures that nothing is going to go unresolved. It also sets the stage for more productive conversations, since the knowledge that the conversation is going to take place can give you time to figure out what you want to say.^{[6]
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Research source}
- How often you schedule these convos is up to you, but start off with one every week or two. If you do this every day, it might wear you down. If you space things out too far though, you might forget things from your previous conversation.
- This is especially important if your fights and disagreements tend to get out of hand. Giving yourself some time to emotionally prepare can really keep you from getting defensive or angry in the moment.

5

Rely on “I” statements when discussing problems.

Frame things by focusing on your feelings, not your partner’s behavior. If your partner keeps hearing “you never…” and “you are…” it can begin to feel like you’re attacking them. Framing things around the pronoun “I” can take a lot of the pressure off of your partner, and it can dramatically improve the quality of your conversations when things aren’t going great.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.}
- For example, something like, “You never pay attention to me,” presents the “you” as the key problem. Saying, “I feel like I don’t get a ton of attention,” frames the issue around your experience. This can go a long way towards defusing tough conversations.

6

Ask questions instead of making assumptions.

Assuming your partner’s motivations and feelings can cause problems. If you and your partner ever run into friction over misunderstandings, you may be taking things for granted. Before you respond to your spouse, ask clarifying questions to make sure you understand where they’re coming from. The clearer the two of you are about how you’re feeling and what you want, the happier you’ll be.^{[8]
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- For example, if your spouse asks you to help them clean up more often, you may assume they’re simply annoyed about how dirty your home has been. But maybe they want you to take more initiative around the house, or it’s important to them to feel like you participate in household chores.

7

Self-reflect and begin working on you.

You can’t fix a marriage if you still need to fix yourself. Take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask yourself, “Is there something I need to change?” If there is, start working on it now. Whether it’s an anger problem, difficulty communicating, or something else bothering you, take the steps you need to take now. Developing some resiliency and healing whatever open wounds you may have will make it much easier to work on your marriage.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.}
- Open yourself up to the way you feel. It’s easy to ignore certain emotions or pretend things are better than they are, but your emotions contain important information, and you shouldn’t pretend they don’t exist.
- Everybody can be better, and nobody should be ashamed if they’ve got something to work on. Even if it’s just trying to be the kindest version of yourself, there’s always room for improvement. The better you are, the better your marriage will be.^{[10]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Jin S. Kim, MA
  Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
  Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.}

8

Maintain a standing date night.

Reconnecting with one another and making time for romance is huge. If things are rough, it can feel like the two of you are just roommates. Pushing yourselves to do something romantic together at least once a week (or two weeks) can do wonders for your relationship. This can rekindle things if your marriage is lacking a little spice, and remind the two of you how rewarding your marriage can be.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.}
- Try to do something new every week. Try different restaurants, go dancing, or take a day trip somewhere you’ve never been. The more variety there is, the more exciting your date night will feel.

9

Write each other a letter.

Writing your feelings down is an effective way to express yourself. You can do this after a disagreement to process how you feel and share it with your partner to communicate without the back-and-forth of a conversation. Alternatively, you can write them a love letter and explain how much they mean to you just to remind them how important they are. These little random acts of kindness can dramatically improve your relationship.^{[12]
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Research source}
- Putting your feelings on paper can also be therapeutic for you! Sometimes, putting messy or complicated emotions into words can really help you explore the way you feel.

10

Lean into your spouse’s love language.

Everyone experiences love differently, so meet your partner on their grounds. The five love languages refer to the unique ways people prefer to receive and give love. If your spouse feels unloved, neglected, or ignored, pushing yourself to meet your spouse on their grounds can really help the quality of your marriage.^{[13]
X
Expert Source

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.} The five love languages are:
- Words of affirmation. People with this love language like being told how loved they are, and rely on verbal communication to experience love.
- Quality time. This language is all about shared experience. Your spouse may want to just sit on the couch together and chat over a cup of tea, or go for a walk and discuss their day.
- Physical touch. This includes sex, but hugs, backrubs, and playful head scratches all qualify.
- Acts of service. People with this love language express and receive love through charitable acts. You might clean the house for your spouse, cook them dinner, or go out of your way to make life easier for them.
- Gifts. This love language is pretty straightforward—people who love gift-giving feel cared for when they receive gifts from their loved ones. Even if it’s something tiny, it can really make their day!

11

Do the little things together.

It’s easy to lose touch when the two of you are so busy. Go grocery shopping together, clean the dishes together, and read in bed together before bed. All of the little moments add up, and if the two of you aren’t feeling particularly close to one another, the little stuff can matter a lot. It gives you the opportunity to share a laugh, tell a story, or just tackle a task together. All of that can go a long way towards repairing a rift the two of you are experiencing.^{[14]
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Expert Source

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.}
- This is especially important if the two of you have young children. You may be alternating the childrearing tasks so that each of you gets a breather every now and then. Try splitting the difference. Just spending more time as a family can really improve the quality of your marriage.

12

Take time away to reconnect.

If the two of you are stressed or stuck in a rut, take a break together. Start planning a trip as a couple! Take a week off of work and go explore something new. Take that bucket list trip to Paris, or keep it simple and take a road trip. If the two of you are super stressed, a vacation should alleviate some of that stress. If the two of you are stuck in a rut, a vacation is an opportunity to reconnect and fall in love all over again.^{[15]
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- Plan the trip as a team. This way, the two of you can bond and connect over the activities you choose. Besides, planning the trip is the best way to build excitement about your vacation!

13

Find ways to reconnect intimately.

Getting the spark back can reinvigorate your marriage. If things have gotten a little stale in the bedroom, it can make it hard to feel emotionally connected. Ask your partner if there’s anything they’d like to explore sexually, or if there’s something you can do to make them more excited about sex.^{[16]
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Trustworthy Source
Johns Hopkins Medicine
Official resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins Hospital
Go to source}
- Try exploring something new together. Roleplaying, toys, sexting, and lingerie can all help you two reconnect intimately.