How to Fix a Broken Relationship After Breaking Up

Co-authored by Michele Fields and Glenn Carreau

Last Updated: February 21, 2022 References

Have you been longing to fix the relationship between you and an ex? Couples who break up get back together all the time, and when done with care, a renewed relationship can be happy and long-lasting. But first, you'll need to identify the problems that led to your breakup, take steps to address them and make sure that your ex is committed to doing the same. To help you along the way, here's our comprehensive guide to fixing a broken relationship after breaking up.

1

Take some time to think.

Make sure you want to fix the relationship for the right reasons.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Michele Fields
Matchmaker & Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 17 August 2021.} If you genuinely care for your ex, feel ready to move forward, and want to see if there's a chance to work things out, then you've got a good reason to reunite with them. If you're just lonely or sad after the breakup, you may want to reconsider.^{[2]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- Keep in mind that an unhealthy relationship isn't worth salvaging.^{[3]
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  Michele Fields
  Matchmaker & Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 17 August 2021.} If your ex made you feel unsafe and didn't respect you, it's better leave them behind.^{[4]
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- It can also help talk about it with a friend or family member you trust. They can help you take an honest look at the relationship—the good and the bad parts.

2

Reach out to your ex.

Make sure you're both on the same page before you move forward.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Michele Fields
Matchmaker & Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 17 August 2021.} Talk about the problems in your past relationship and work to understand why you broke up. Look back on each stage of the relationship; determine what brought you together and what caused you to drift apart. Confirm that you're both serious about trying again.^{[6]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- You and your ex may have different perspectives about your relationship problems, so listen carefully to one another.
- If your partner broke up with you, try to put yourself in their shoes to understand why they ended the relationship.
- Remind them of the good things about the relationship and keep in touch.^{[7]
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  Michele Fields
  Matchmaker & Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 17 August 2021.}

3

Apologize for your mistakes.

If you hurt your ex, a sincere apology is necessary to move forward. Acknowledge your hurtful actions, explain why you acted that way, and recognize how they made your ex feel. Then, tell your ex your plan to fix the issue and share any progress you've made.^{[8]
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- "I'm sorry I was late for so many dates. I always got carried away at work, and as a result, I made you feel undervalued. I felt like I had something to prove in my career, but now I understand that being there for you is more important."
- An apology can absolutely help mend a relationship—just be sure to put your words into action.

4

Forgive your partner's mistakes.

Resolving past conflicts is impossible if you can't learn to forgive. For a new relationship to work, it's important to let go of past mistakes and work together toward a better future. Think about how you've dealt with your feelings so far and actively decide to forgive your ex. Understand your ex's actions, try to feel compassion for their situation, and release your negative emotions.^{[9]
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- Forgiveness isn't easy, but ultimately it's the healthiest choice for you. Resentment can impact your mental health if it goes unaddressed.
- Your decision to forgive (or not) is deeply personal and should not be made under pressure from your ex. Make your decision freely and in your own time.

5

Commit to repairing the relationship.

Set ground rules that will help you fix the relationship together. Picture a brighter future, and then ask each other what steps you can take to make that future a reality. Tell your partner what you need from the new relationship, and listen to their ideas as well. Create a plan that addresses both of your needs.^{[10]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- Be flexible and open to change. Both of you will probably request certain ground rules, so do your best to either agree or compromise.
- Whatever you do, don't play games. Be serious about repairing the relationship.^{[11]
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  Michele Fields
  Matchmaker & Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 17 August 2021.}

6

Rebuild the trust between you.

Every relationship needs a foundation built on trust. Always tell the truth, keep your promises, and own up to your mistakes. Be consistent so your partner knows they can rely on you for anything. Ultimately, trusting each other is a decision you both have to make.^{[12]
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- If you say you're going to call your partner at 7 PM, make sure you do it. No matter how small the promise is, stick to your word.
- Make sure that you both feel like you're part of the same team. There are no "sides in a relationship," just you and your partner working together for a bright future.

7

Communicate openly and often.

Relationships need direct, sincere communication to heal old wounds. Learn to be comfortable expressing how you feel, and practice active listening when your partner is talking. Try setting a timer when you talk so that each of you has enough time to speak your mind without interruption.^{[13]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- Express your needs to your partner. Don't make them guess.
- Send positive nonverbal cues when you talk (make eye contact, lean forward, and touch their hand, etc.).
- Make gratitude a habit. When your partner does something that you appreciate, tell them so.^{[14]
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8

Resolve conflicts respectfully.

Fair compromise can resolve conflicts both old and new. Stay focused on the issue at hand, use "I" statements to avoid direct verbal attacks, respect your partner's values, and take a step back when your temper flares. Compromise will also help you work out your differences.^{[15]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- A good "I" statement is, "I feel lonely when you go out with friends and don't invite me." It focuses on your feelings, whereas an accusation like, "You never want to spend time with me!" causes more conflict.
- Remember that "winning" isn't your goal; instead, aim to meet halfway so that both of your needs are met.
- Arguments are a totally normal part of relationships. As you enter a renewed relationship, look at conflict as a way to grow together and strengthen your bond.

9

Build intimacy together.

Rekindle passion with intimacy and physical touch. Initiate kisses, hugs, cuddling sessions, and other touches your partner likes. Maintain a healthy sex life, and respect your partner's sexual preferences. Set aside quality time to bond as a couple, whether you're going on adventurous dates or spending a quiet night talking at home.^{[16]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- Don't underestimate the importance of holding your partner's hand or hugging them when they have a bad day. Sex is important for many couples, but it shouldn't be the only physical intimacy you share.
- Communication also builds intimacy, which is why it's so important to share your needs and preferences with your partner.

10

Focus on the future.

Clinging to past problems will only hold you back.^{[17]
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Michele Fields
Matchmaker & Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 17 August 2021.} Once you've forgiven one another, there's no need to keep bringing up those old issues. Stay optimistic and concentrate on building a better future together, leaving old grievances in the past.^{[18]
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- Learn from the past so you can stop thinking about it.
- Live in the moment by concentrating on yourself and the people around you.
- Try to relax and enjoy yourself instead of worrying about old problems.

11

Be patient.

Relationships take time to mend and that's okay. Take it slow and spend time together as though you're dating at the beginning of a relationship—because, in a way, you are.^{[19]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source} If you speed through getting back together, your new relationship may end the same way your old one did. Enjoy the journey and focus on having fun at the moment.
- Hold off on getting serious too quickly. Give yourself time to rebuild the relationship.
- If you lived together before your split, getting back together doesn't mean you should merge households right away.

12

Consult a professional.

Therapists can offer advice and support as you fix your relationship. They'll listen objectively and give you insight that you might not think of otherwise. If you decide to seek outside help, choose a counselor you feel comfortable opening up to, and remember that therapy is beneficial for everyone—there's no shame in it!^{[20]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- Couples' therapy can also benefit you and your ex. If you both have the means, ask your ex if they can commit to sessions with a relationship counselor.