How to End a Friends with Benefits (Fwb) Relationship

Co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC and Janice Tieperman

Last Updated: September 3, 2021 References

A Friends with Benefits (Fwb) relationship can be fun and empowering, but it may not always be the best fit for your lifestyle. Fwb relationships can run their course for lot of reasons. Maybe you've had a change of heart, your priorities have changed, or one of you caught the dreaded "feelings." Ending a friends with benefits relationship can be tricky, but it's totally possible to call things off while staying friends and not hurting the other person's feelings. To help you out, we've put together some tips on how to end a friends with benefits situation as painlessly as possible.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Holding an Honest Conversation

1
Think about what you’re looking for in a relationship. As you grow, you may find your priorities and desires shift over several weeks, months, and years. Imagine where you want to be several months or years from now, and decide if a Fwb is a good fit for that lifestyle.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} If this isn’t the case, then you may need to rethink your relationship.^{[2]
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- Don’t feel like you have to make a relationship decision overnight! It isn’t easy figuring out what you want, and it may take you several weeks or months before you can figure out what lifestyle is best for you.
- If you’d prefer a more monogamous, committed relationship, you may need to redefine the terms of your relationship with your friend.
2
Schedule an in-person meet-up to discuss the situation. Call or text your friend and see if they’re available to meet. In-person conversations are tough, but they say a lot about how much you value the other person. Choose a time and a place to meet so you can talk in person.^{[3]
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- A good segue to this conversation might occur if your friend texts you asking for a hook-up.
- For instance, you can say something like: “Hey, are you free today? I was wondering if you’d like to grab lunch at the food court, since I wanted to talk to you about something.”
- You can also say something like: “Sorry I didn’t reply to your text earlier. I can’t make it tonight, but I’d like to meet up with you sometime so we can talk about a few things.”
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3
Discuss any new circumstances that are ending the relationship. Be honest about what’s been on your mind—if you’ve found a serious, monogamous partner, be sure to mention that person. If you need some time by yourself, or feel like you and your friend have different priorities, be honest about those feelings. Don’t try to brush your thoughts and feelings under the rug, or the break-up may seem harsh or not genuine.^{[4]
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- For instance, you can say something like: “For a while now, I feel like we’ve had different priorities in our friendship. You only text me at night when you want to hook up, and I’m just not getting much out of this anymore.”
- You can also say something like: “I’ve really appreciated your companionship, but I’ve started a serious relationship. For my emotional health and yours, I don’t think we should hook up anymore.”
4
Stress that you really value their friendship. This may seem like a cliche thing to say, but it’s a cliche for a reason. Describe how much your friend means to you, and that you aren’t looking to end the friendship. Explain that you’d still be interested in texting and hanging out without hooking up.^{[5]
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- For instance, you can say something like: “I’ve always treasured our friendship, and I really mean that. You’ve gotten me through countless obstacles, and I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
- You can also say something like: “I know it’s cliche, but I really do want to stay friends. Your friendship means a lot to me, and I don’t want to lose that.”
5
Focus on the future when you end the relationship. Talk about how you’ve been looking to the future a lot, and how a Fwb doesn’t fit with your priorities or goals. Mention that being friends with benefits is something fun and short-term that you’ve enjoyed a lot, but not something that’s a huge priority for you anymore. Additionally, stress that you want your friend to be with someone who has the time and energy to dedicate to a fulfilling relationship.^{[6]
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- For example, say something like: “You’re a really great person, and you deserve to be with someone who views you as a top priority in their life. I have a lot going on in my life right now, and I can’t be that person for you anymore.”

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Ironing out Conflict

1
Stick to your guns if they try to bargain with you. Don’t falter if your friend starts getting really emotional. They may start making demands or promises to change, but do your best to put your foot down. Keep emphasizing that this relationship isn’t good for your emotional health, and that you need to take a step back for yourself.^{[7]
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- For instance, you can say something like: “I really appreciate your willingness to change, but I’m not looking to fix or salvage our relationship right now.”
2
Don’t try to dictate their emotions. Even if it’s not a committed or monogamous relationship, a Fwb can offer a lot of close, emotional ties. It’s normal for your friend to feel angry or sad that the relationship is ending. Don’t try to take those feelings away from them, or tell them that their emotions aren’t valid. Instead, try to be as comforting and understanding as possible.^{[8]
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- Instead of saying “I don’t get why you’re so upset about this,” says something like: “I’m really sorry to spring this on you. I know that this is upsetting, but this decision is what’s best for you in the long run.”
3
Ask them if they have any questions or if they’d like to talk about their feelings. Give your friend time to talk after you’ve said your piece.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} After making such an emotional declaration, your friend will probably have questions about why you’re ending the relationship, and ask if there’s anything they can do. Answer their questions honestly, and give them space to air out their thoughts.^{[10]
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- For instance, if they say something like “I don’t get why you’re doing this,” you can say something like: “I don’t want to pretend that I know what you’re feeling, but I get that you’re really hurt right now. I don’t expect you to understand my reasoning, but it’s really important to me that you respect my space.”

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Moving on from a Fwb Relationship

1
Allow yourself to grieve the end of the relationship. A Fwb relationship may not be the same as a committed, monogamous partnership, but there are still a lot of emotions involved. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel sad that the relationship is over, even if you’re the one ending it.^{[11]
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- Talk to a trusted friend or family member about how you’re feeling. They can offer support and help remind you that you made the right choice.
2
Keep texting or hanging out with them to stay friendly. Offer to hang out if the break-up conversation doesn’t go that badly. Texting and spending time together as friends may help you adjust to the new state of your relationship without focusing as much on the break-up.^{[12]
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- For instance, you can offer to grab lunch or see a movie with your friend as a casual, non-sexual outing.
Tip: You don’t have to stay friends if you don’t want to. If you’re ending a toxic relationship, it may be better in the long run if you give yourself space after ending the relationship.^{[13]
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3
Accept whatever happens when the relationship ends. Not all friendships will last after a break-up, which is totally normal. Take the measures that you need in order to feel safe and happy. If the break-up ends up badly, feel free to delete their number altogether and erase them from your social media.^{[14]
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Warnings

Always put your own safety and wellbeing first. If you’re worried about the break-up ending explosively, choose a public area to meet your friend.^{[16]
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