How to Get through a Divorce with a Narcissist

Preparing you for what your narcissistic spouse might do when you serve them with divorce papers

Co-authored by Jin S. Kim, MA and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: March 24, 2023 References

Being married to a narcissist isn’t easy, so when you’ve finally made the decision to seek a divorce, you might find yourself breathing a sigh of relief. Being prepared to divorce a narcissist can help you combat their manipulation tactics and make the proceedings go as smoothly as possible. That’s why we’ve compiled all the tips you’ll need to keep in mind to protect yourself while divorcing your spouse.

Things You Should Know

Keep a record of all the communication between you and your spouse in case you need to use it later on.
Hire an attorney who has experience dealing with narcissistic spouses.
Set clear boundaries with your spouse, especially around how often you two will communicate.
Practice self-care and lean on your support system when times get tough.

1

Get organized before serving divorce papers.

Have a plan in place to keep your spouse from sabotaging you. Figure out where you’re going to stay, where your kids will go, and how you’re going to keep yourself safe. In some cases, narcissistic partners can become violent, so it’s important to have a safety plan ahead of time.^{[1]
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- When a narcissist believes they are losing control over you, they typically become angry, and can lash out. Make sure you have everything you need set aside so you can leave quickly after telling your partner about the divorce.
- If you think your spouse might become violent, bring someone with you when you serve them divorce papers (or have someone do it for you).
- Let your loved ones know that you’re planning a divorce ahead of time so they can support you.

2

Keep copies of all your communication.

Use texts, emails, and documents as evidence of your spouse’s behavior. In most states, you will need to list a reason for the divorce if your spouse contests the divorce process. It’s a lot easier to convince a judge to grant you a divorce if you can prove your spouse’s behavior. Collect screenshots of any communication you’ve had in the past, and get testimonials from friends and family members backing up your spouse’s abusive behavior.^{[2]
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- If you don’t have any evidence to collect from the past, start collecting it now. Save any messages that your spouse sends to you just in case you need to present them later on.

3

Get a good attorney who is aware of the situation.

A quality lawyer will help you navigate your spouse’s tactics. As you look for a divorce lawyer, try to find one that specializes in difficult spouses who are contesting the divorce. Tell any prospective lawyers about your spouse and what they might try to pull during divorce proceedings. That way, your lawyer can be prepared (and help prepare you) for what’s to come.^{[3]
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- Just like finding a good therapist, you may need to meet with multiple divorce lawyers before you find a good fit. Ask them about their experience dealing with difficult divorces, especially ones where the other spouse had narcissistic tendencies.

4

Set boundaries around communication with your spouse.

Limit the amount of time you talk to your spouse to protect your well-being. As the divorce proceedings get underway, your spouse will likely turn nasty and mean. Ideally, go no-contact with your spouse, and block their number, email address, and social media accounts. If that’s not an option (because you have children or other shared responsibilities), set a time limit on how long you’re going to talk to them per day.^{[4]
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- For instance, you might say, “I’m only going to discuss logistics with you. If you try to talk about our relationship, the conversation is over.” Then, hang up the phone if your spouse tries to win you back or asks you to meet up in person.
- Go over your boundaries with your lawyer ahead of time, too. Let your lawyer know that if your spouse calls you names or yells, your lawyer needs to end the meeting immediately. Having your attorney back you up will help you enforce your boundaries.

5

Stay calm and level-headed.

Keep your composure so your spouse doesn’t get under your skin. A narcissist will use any tactic they can to get a rise out of you, including insults, sweet talking, and name-calling. While it can be tough, use deep breathing exercises and meditation to keep your emotions in check when you’re around them. The more you can show you aren’t bothered by their behavior, the more it will discourage them from repeating it in the future.^{[5]
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- It’s totally fine to feel angry, upset, or sad about your spouse’s behavior in private, though. Try keeping a journal to let out your thoughts in a private area without judgment.

6

Settle things outside of court as much as possible.

Narcissists tend to use court as a way to further their abuse. For people with narcissistic personality disorder, going to court is a dream: they love the attention and the drama that surrounds it.^{[6]
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Research source} To avoid playing into your spouse’s behavior, ask your lawyer to try and settle things outside of court as much as possible.
- If your spouse insists on going to court, it may be out of your hands. However, you can ask your lawyer to meet with your spouse’s lawyer and go over your options before battling things out in front of a judge.
- In court, your spouse is likely to play the victim. Be prepared to get blamed for a lot of behavior that you either didn’t do or your spouse is just making up.

7

Pick your battles carefully.

Choose what you want to fight about so you don’t burn yourself out. With a narcissist, nothing is going to come easy. They’re going to probably fight you tooth and nail for almost everything, including little things that you might not care about. Walk away from the fights that you can walk away from, and spend your time and energy on the things that actually matter to you.^{[7]
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- For instance, maybe your spouse really wants to keep the car, but all you care about is custody of your children. Let go of the car issue so that you can focus on what’s best for your kids.

8

Look for ways your spouse can “win.”

Make your spouse feel like they’re getting something so they calm down. It’s impossible to fight and win every battle with a narcissist. Instead, look for small ways that you can pretend to fight and “lose.” That way, your spouse thinks that they’re pulling one over on you, when in reality, you don’t actually care that much.^{[8]
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- For instance, maybe your spouse wants 50% custody of the children. You might actually be fine with this arrangement, but you could push for full custody at first to make it seem like you aren’t. Then, when your spouse “wins” half-custody, they might let up on other things.

9

Do what’s best for your children.

Keep your kids in mind so they aren’t affected too much by your spouse. Narcissistic parents have a way of making their children feel like their own emotions don’t matter. Check in with your kids often to make sure they’re expressing their feelings and getting their needs met.^{[9]
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- Be sure to approach the topic with your kids using age-appropriate language. For instance, you might talk to a young child by saying, “Mommy and Daddy still love you very much, but we aren’t going to be in a relationship anymore. How do you feel about that?”
- For an older kid, you might state things a little more bluntly. “Your Mom wants at least 50% custody of you and your brother. What do you think about that?”

10

Don’t fall for love-bombing.

Avoid engaging with your partner so they can’t draw you back in. It’s hard for a narcissist to let a relationship go, even a toxic one. Your spouse might panic once they realize that divorce is actually on the table and use compliments and niceties to draw you back in. Keep this in mind as you go through your divorce proceedings, and don’t take anything your spouse says to heart.^{[10]
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- If you find yourself reconsidering your decision to divorce, think about why you asked for a divorce in the first place. It’s unlikely that your spouse’s behavior is going to change significantly, even if they promise that it will.

11

Confide in close friends.

Lean on your support system to help you through this tough time. Your friends and family can provide comfort and support while you divorce your spouse. Talk to your friends and family members and let them know what you’re going through and how they can help.^{[11]
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- Try to avoid bad mouthing or gossiping about your spouse, though. While it’s totally fine to vent to friends every once in a while, talking badly about your partner online or to a large group could get back to them (and make the situation even more tense).

12

Talk to a mental health professional.

Divorce is hard, and talking to a therapist can help. Along with the legal battle, you may be dealing with intense emotional feelings, too. If you can, reach out to a mental health professional to talk about your emotions and learn some coping mechanisms to help you through this tough time.^{[12]
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- Don’t have time for in-person therapy? Try an online counseling service, like Better Help.

13

Practice self-care.

Do some relaxing activities that make you feel good. You might do yoga, do a fun hobby, or take a relaxing bubble bath. Carve out at least 15 minutes during the day to focus on yourself.
- Narcissists have a tendency to bring others down and make them feel “less-than.” Your spouse might question your intelligence, laugh at your suggestions, or even call you dumb. Focusing on self-care will boost your self-esteem and make you feel good about yourself again.