How to Help a Man Get Over a Divorce

Listen to him. Don't brush aside his woes about dealing with his ex. Try to offer constructive listening space in which he can bounce off thoughts without being criticized by you. Feel free to give advice if he asks but don't be hurt if he doesn't take it.^[1] It's the non-judgmental listening that counts most. Let him talk until he’s said everything he wants to say instead of interrupting him with questions or opinions. Right now, the thing he may need the most is a listening ear.

• Hold back your judgment as much as you can. Maybe he didn’t act admirably during the marriage, or maybe his ex-wife got off-track. You’re not there to make him feel worse about his behavior or to say bad things about his ex-wife. That will only make him feel worse about the whole experience.^[2]

Understand that he’s vulnerable. Men are very vulnerable after they go through a divorce, and may feel very isolated, disappointed, and unhappy with themselves. Be prepared for the man to feel very vulnerable and open to being hurt, and understand that he needs you to be kind, loving, and sensitive. However, you shouldn’t take advantage of that vulnerability by trying to solve his problems by telling him how much you love him; focus on helping him heal as an individual before you start a relationship.

• If the man is vulnerable, it may mean he’s not open to jokes about his divorce, or even just gentle teasing about any old thing. He may be questioning himself a lot and may not get that you’re being sarcastic or that you don’t really mean what you say.

Don’t ask too many questions. Let’s face it. You may be dying to know all of the gory details of the man’s divorce, especially if you’re dating him or thinking about him romantically. However, he may not be ready to reveal a whole lot to you, or to talk about all the pain he felt. Once your relationship deepens, he’ll owe it to you to let you know what happened, what financial issues he faces, what his relationship with his ex is like, and so on, but if you just want to help him get over the divorce, then you should let him do the talking.

• Prying too much can lead him to open up wounds that haven’t healed yet. He may tell you something he doesn’t really want to talk about just to be nice, and that will end making him feel worse. Don’t worry so much about satisfying your curiosity just yet.

Do something new and exciting with him. One thing you can do to help a man get over the divorce is to try to do something completely new and different with him. He’s more likely to be thinking of his past if he’s going to the same bars and restaurants he frequented with his ex, running around the same old lake, or watching the same TV shows he and his ex used to love. If you want him to get over his divorce, then you should do new things together, from going hiking to learning how to make enchiladas. Though distracting him won’t be a good long-term solution, giving him something new and exciting to be passionate about can make him feel like he’s moving forward.

• Ask him what he’s always wanted to do but never had a chance to do. It could be going snowboarding, cooking a steak, or writing a novel. Encourage him to try something new and even support him when he does it. He’ll slowly feel his focus shifting to something he really cares about and will become more focused on the present and future than the past.
• He may be so upset about the divorce that he really won’t want to go out of the house or try new things, so you can encourage him to try new things without pushing him too much. If he’s really not ready to go rock climbing, then you may need to back away.

Be patient with him. You may think you’ve found the one and feel like you want to hold hands in public, introduce him to your fifty closest friends, tell your parents about him, and get him to go on a weekend trip to Tahoe with you the first chance he gets. However, he may not want to make that kind of a public commitment to you until he’s ready. Don’t rush him, or you may be putting the relationship in jeopardy or making him do something he’s not ready for.^[3] If you really want to make it work, then be respectful of the fact that he needs more time than you may need.

• If you’re constantly complaining about why he hasn’t met all of your friends or kissed you in public or even said “I love you,” then it’s not going to speed up the process. Putting pressure on him to do something he’s not ready for will only make it harder for your relationship to develop naturally.
• Of course, the things you’re asking for, like a bit of PDA and some more signs of commitment, are perfectly natural. However, because you’re dealing with a man with a heavy past, it’s going to take longer for these things to happen. That’s what you signed up for.

Make sure he’s ready to date. If you’ve been with the man for a few months and still feel like he’s extremely sad, vulnerable, and emotional when it comes to his divorce, then it may not be the time to pursue a serious relationship with him. You may be on different pages, and you may want him to fully commit to you while he’s not ready. If you really care for him, then you have to make sure that he’s really ready for a commitment to you, or that you’re okay with having a very lighthearted relationship with a man who is figuring things out. If you can’t spend half an hour with him without the marriage coming up, him getting sad, or getting in a fight about why you can’t meet his kids, then this may not be the time to start the relationship.

• If you really think you have serious potential with the man but it’s not in the cards right now, then it may be best to see if you can pick things back up later instead of ruining what you have now when he’s really not ready for it.