How to Deal With Emotional Abuse from Your Parents (for Adolescents)

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS and Megaera Lorenz, PhD

Last Updated: September 7, 2021 References Approved

Emotional abuse takes many forms. Your parents may be emotionally abusive if they frequently yell at you, put you down, humiliate you, ignore you, reject you, or threaten you.^{[1]
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Research source} Emotional abuse can leave you feeling hopeless, sad, or worthless, and these feelings may stay with you for a long time. Use a few basic coping techniques to respond to the abuse while it is happening. Reach out to someone you trust if you need help and support. Focus on taking care of yourself and healing from the abuse as much as you can.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Responding to Emotional Abuse

1
Understand that it's not your fault. No matter what you may have done, emotional abuse is never okay. Additionally, it's about the abuser and not about you. No one deserves to be the target of emotional abuse, so don't blame yourself.
- Remind yourself that what they say is a reflection of them, not you. Say to yourself, "What they say is not about me."
2
Recognize abusive patterns. There may be certain situations in which your parents are more likely to get abusive. You may also notice changes in your parents' mood or behavior right before abuse happens. Learning to recognize the warning signs can help you prepare yourself better or plan to avoid situations where abuse is most likely to happen.
- For example, if you have a parent who drinks, you may notice that they are more abusive when they have been drinking.
- You may also notice that particular types of abuse are likely in specific situations. For example, an abusive parent might have a tendency to put you down in front of company.
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3
Try to stay calm when abuse is happening. When someone is emotionally attacking you, it's easy to give in to the urge to yell, cry, or attack back. If your parent begins yelling at you or belittling you, stop and take a few deep breaths and slowly count to 10 in your head before you respond. This will give you a moment to calm yourself and think about what you want to do or say.^{[2]
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- If you can, step out of the room for a few moments before you react. Physically separating yourself from the other person can help you get control of your emotions and collect your thoughts.
- Do your best to ignore what they say to you. Try to create physical distance, but if you can't leave, try turning your thoughts to something you enjoy. You might think over the lyrics of an empowering song that you enjoy, recite a poem in your mind, or go to your "happy place." Remember, their words are false, and it's not okay that you are being spoken to this way.
4
Talk about it with your parents. Depending on the type of abuse that is happening, you may be able to say something to your parents about it. Be clear in what you say, and if possible, include examples. Avoid being abusive back to them by name-calling, yelling, or screaming. Instead, talk calmly about your experience and how it affects you.^{[3]
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- For example, you might say, “I don't know if you're aware of how mean you get when you drink,” or, “It doesn't feel right to feel so humiliated. I don't want to feel this way. Please speak more kindly to me.”
- Many verbally abusive parents deny that they are doing it and tell their kid to "toughen up" or something similar. If this happens to you, take a deep breath and step away for a few moments. You may not be able to change them, but you can change your reaction to the situation. Remind yourself that you will eventually get to move away from them.
5
Let your parents know that the behavior is not acceptable. It can be scary to stand up for yourself, but the abuse may never stop if you don't say something. When your parent says something abusive to you or uses the silent treatment, calmly say what you want to or need to say.^{[4]
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- For example, say, “I know you don't think I'm doing well in school, but there's no need to call me names or make me feel bad. I am working hard.”
- If your parent is ignoring you or giving you the silent treatment, you could say, “I know you're mad at me, but we need to talk about it. I want to resolve this instead of ignore it.”
- Always prioritize your safety. If you don't feel safe standing up for yourself or you think your parents might get violent with you, this might not be the best approach.
6
Express your emotions. You may want to talk about how the abuse makes you feel. For example, if you feel worthless or hopeless, express these things. Your parents may not even know you feel this way or how their words affect you. You can have a discussion with your parents or respond after they make a comment. When you express yourself, use “I” statements, and avoid saying things that sound like attacks or accusations.^{[5]
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- For example, say, “I don't like feeling blamed. Please don't put that on me.”
- Say, “I feel so much pressure all around me and I can't handle it. I feel sad that I can't please you even though I want to.”
7
Minimize time around your abusive parent(s), if you can. Sometimes the best response to abuse is to avoid the abuser. This may be easier said than done when you live at home with an abusive parent or parents. If you can, find ways to minimize your time with the parent when they are being abusive, either by finding a safe space inside your home or by spending time outside your home.
- For example, if you sense that your parent is starting to become agitated or abusive, you might tell them that you need to get homework done, and go to your room.
- If you are able, get outside the house for a bit. Go to a park, go for a walk around the neighborhood, or spend some time at a friend's house.
- Get involved in extracurricular activities or clubs at school that keep you out of the house and away from your parents. These activities could also help you get scholarships to pay for school away from your parents.
- Find ways to regularly stay overnight with extended family or friends. You might offer to babysit younger cousins, housesit for out of town relatives, or take care of your elderly aunt's yard.
- Get a part time job so you can be out of the house. This could also allow you to save up money to move out when you're old enough.
8
Call for help if you are feeling threatened. If you ever feel like you are in danger, or if your abusive parent attacks you physically, get away from them as soon as you are able and go someplace where you feel safe. Call emergency services or contact a youth crisis line as soon as it is safe to do so.^{[6]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Seeking Help from Others

1
Talk to a friend about what you are going through. Even if they can't do much to change your situation, a friend can offer sympathy and help you stay strong. Talk to a supportive friend that you trust, and let them know what they can do to help you, even if it's just sending you a text from time to time to ask how you're doing. A supportive friend should listen without being judgmental or putting you down.^{[7]
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Trustworthy Source
National Alliance on Mental Illness
Grassroots mental health-focused organization providing resources, support, and education for those affected by mental illness
Go to source}
2
Confide in an adult you trust. If you feel overwhelmed and need support or advice, it can help to talk to a trusted adult. This could be a relative, a mentor, or a family friend. A supportive adult may be able to offer suggestions for dealing with the situation, or help get you in touch with a professional who can help you.
- Keep in mind that some adults are legally required as part of their jobs to report child or teen abuse to the authorities. Your teacher or coach, for example, is required to report abuse. A relative or family friend typically is not.
- If you're not ready to report the abuse to anyone, or if you don't want anyone to speak to your parents about the situation, let the adult know. Ask them to respect your wishes and keep it private for now.
3
Talk to someone anonymously. If you don't feel comfortable talking to anyone in person, consider finding a moderated online group where you can talk to supportive people anonymously, like the forums at PsychCentral.com.
- You can also try calling a youth crisis line. Some services, like teenlineonline.org, will let you communicate over the phone, online, or by text.
4
Talk to your school counselor. School counselors are trained to help kids and teens deal with crises or personal issues. A counselor can help you understand the abuse and find ways to respond or avoid it. They can also intervene (with either your parents or the police) if necessary.
- Be aware that counselors, therapists, and teachers are required by law to report any issues that might be a threat to your safety.
- While your school counselor probably can't do long-term therapy, they might be able to help you connect with someone who can.^{[8]
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5
Report to an adult in authority. If you feel like you're in danger or cannot take it any longer, tell an adult who's in authority. This might be a teacher, school counselor, physician or pediatrician, nurse, child care provider, or law enforcement officer. These people are required to report suspected abuse to welfare services to be investigated. Telling one of these people means that someone will likely come and investigate.^{[9]
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Trustworthy Source
Child Welfare Information Gateway
Online portal managed by the U.S. Children's Bureau providing resources related to childcare and abuse prevention
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- Making a report is serious. It could result in you living with someone other than your parent, such as a relative.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Taking Care of Yourself

1
Surround yourself with supportive people. Spend as much time as you can with people in your life who lift you up. These might be relatives, trusted teachers, sports teammates, club members, or friends at school or in your neighborhood. Choose people you can count on to be there for you and support you. When you need a friend or a listening ear, reach out to these people.^{[10]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- In addition to peers, you can also include adults or mentors as part of your support.
2
Build your self-esteem with positive self-talk. If you've dealt with your parents' emotional abuse for years, it may take a toll on you and your own emotional health. Often, emotional abuse results in feeling bad about yourself or feeling worthless or unlovable. None of these things are true. Any time you catch yourself thinking a negative thought about yourself, try to come up with a positive thought about yourself instead.^{[11]
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- For example, if you find yourself thinking, “I can't do anything right,” stop and remind yourself of something you've accomplished, like a school assignment you did well on or a personal project that you're proud of.
- Talk to yourself the same way that you would talk to a good friend when they are feeling down.^{[12]
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  Trustworthy Source
  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
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3
Do things you enjoy. Maybe you enjoy sports, reading, dancing, or listening to music. Try to find time to do these things as much as you can. Consider joining a club or sports team at your school where you can do the things you love with other people who share your interests. If you're a creative person, look for communities online where you can post your writing or art.
- Low-key activities like watching a movie or reading a book can also help you relax and feel less stressed by the negative things that are happening in your life.^{[13]
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4
Recognize that it's okay to still love your parents. It's normal to feel confused or have mixed feelings when you are dealing with emotional abuse. Even if your parents treat you poorly, you may still love them and want to protect them. However, this shouldn't stop you from getting help or talking about it with someone you trust. It's possible to get help dealing with abuse and still care about your parents.
- There may be days when you love your parents and days when you hate them. Talk to someone about your feelings and know that it's okay to feel this way.^{[14]
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5
Try a yoga class. You might be able to take yoga classes at your school or a local gym, community center, or park. Yoga can reduce your anxiety and help you deal with difficult situations at home or in school in a more calm and confident way. It can also boost your self-image and improve your mood.^{[15]
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6
Keep a journal. Journaling is a great way to understand and express your emotions. It can be confusing and difficult to deal with emotional abuse, especially if it happens in your own home. Perhaps you want to talk about it with someone, but you don't know what to say. Keeping a journal can help you clarify your thoughts and feelings, understand yourself better, and identify what's going on.^{[16]
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- If you talk about your parents in your journal, keep your journal in a safe place where it won't be found. You might even want to use code words if you do fear it being found.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can a teen cope with the after-effects of abuse?

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University.

Jay Reid, LPCC

Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor

Expert Answer

Therapy, particularly in the early stages, can be very important to help get their mind around the fact that they're a victim in the situation and the abuse wasn't their fault. A therapist can help them realize that there's nothing wrong with them.