How to Tell if Your Parents Are Abusive

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: March 7, 2023 References Approved

Abuse can take many forms. Spanking a child is generally legal, but every state in the United States has a different standard on whether or not spanking has crossed the line into abuse.^{[1]
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Research source} Other types of abuse, such as sexual abuse, are never permitted in any way, shape, or form. If you believe your parents are abusing you and causing you serious physical or emotional harm, they may be abusing you. Always talk to a trusted adult, like a teacher or a close family member, if you believe your parents may be abusing you.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Recognizing Physical Abuse and Neglect

1
Think about what happened. There are several things to consider when you're trying to figure out if your parents are abusive. The biggest factors are generally why your parent struck you and how much force they used. Was your parent trying to teach you not to do something dangerous, like running into the street without looking? This type of punishment is sometimes acceptable, as long as it does not get extreme or excessive. Hitting you to take out frustrations is considered abuse, and so is hitting you too hard and with great force.
- Were you hit because your parents thought this would stop a behavior they don't like?
- Do your parents ever hit you after they've been drinking alcohol or after hearing bad news?
- Have your parents ever used an object to hit you, like a belt, tree branch, coat hanger, electrical cord, etc?
- Do your parents ever lose control while they hit you? For example, does a simple spanking turn into slapping you in the face or punching you?
- Do they ever pin you down and hold you there?
2
Look for signs of physical injury. The laws on child abuse are very different, depending on where you live. In general, though, one of the biggest factors is often whether or not your parents' acts of violence caused any lasting physical damage to your body. Your parents may be abusing you if you have any of the following after your parents "discipline" you:
- Cuts or scratches
- Bruises
- Bite marks
- Burns
- Welts (swollen lumps and bumps on your body)
- Muscle sprains
- Broken/fractured bones
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3
Think about whether your parents take care of you. Neglect is a form of child abuse. It can be very hard to tell whether your parents are neglecting you, especially if you've never lived with any other parents or caretakers. There is also the question of how much money your family has — your parents may be struggling to keep you clothed and fed, not because they are neglecting you, but because they have economic challenges. Ask yourself the following questions to start to figure out if your parents are neglecting you and your siblings: ^{[2]
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- Are your parents always well-dressed and well-fed, but unwilling to get you clothes that fit properly or to make sure you have food?
- Do your clothes and shoes fit you okay? Are they clean and warm or cool enough for the weather?
- Do your parents keep you clean by having you take regular baths/showers? Do they make sure you brush your teeth and comb your hair?
- Do your parents keep you and your siblings fed? Or do you often go without eating enough food?
- When you get sick, do your parents take you to a doctor and give you medicine?
- Are disabled children (you or a sibling) having their needs met? Are basic needs like food or water dependent on meeting a certain standard?
- If your parents leave the house, and no siblings are old enough to babysit, do they have someone older come and watch you? Or are you left alone and allowed to play in unsafe places/situations? How long are children left alone?

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Identifying Sexual Abuse

1
Identify inappropriate behavior from your parents. Any type of sexual contact between an adult and a minor is considered abuse. An adult might make threats or use their position of power (as someone most people normally trust, like a coach or teacher) to bully or frighten a younger person into having sex or other sexual activity.^{[3]
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Trustworthy Source
EDIS
Electronic database of the University of Florida Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences's peer-reviewed articles
Go to source} If your parents watch you undress (without helping you get dressed), take pictures of you without any clothes on, touch the areas of your body that are private in a way that makes you scared or uncomfortable, or pressure/force you to look at or touch their private parts, that is sexual abuse.
- Sometimes being touched sexually can feel good, which can be confusing. The person doesn't have to be hurting you for it to be sexual abuse.^{[4]
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2
Recognize physical injuries from sexual abuse. Not all sexual abuse leaves a physical injury, but many acts of sexual abuse do leave bruising, bleeding, and other injuries. Sexual abuse can also cause sexually transmitted infections and even pregnancy in some cases.^{[5]
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Research source} Common symptoms of sexual abuse include, but are not limited to:
- Difficulty walking or sitting because of physical pain^{[6]
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  Trustworthy Source
  HelpGuide
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
  Go to source}
- Bruises, pain, or bleeding from your penis, vagina, or anus
- Painful discharge during urination or other sign of an STD, frequent yeast infections or urinary tract infections
3
Recognize sexual exploitation regarding media. Parents should not be exposing you to pornography or creating pornography about you. Some of this involves grooming or exposing you to sexually explicit content, to make you more open to doing it. Or they may use videos/images of you for sexual use, by themselves or others.
- Exposing you to pornography on purpose (videos, photos, books, et cetera)
- Videotaping or taking photos of you naked, for sexual purposes
- Writing about your private parts
4
Understand child-on-child sexual abuse. Sometimes a child is sexually abused by another child. When this happens, it is usually because the first child is reenacting abuse that was forced on them. Most children do not have an understanding of sex, so generally, if another child forces you or a sibling to engage in some type of sexual behavior, it's usually a sign that the child was abused by someone.^{[7]
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Trustworthy Source
EDIS
Electronic database of the University of Florida Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences's peer-reviewed articles
Go to source}
- Talk to a trusted adult if you think someone you know is a victim of sexual abuse, just as you would talk to a trusted adult about your own parents abusing you.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Understanding Emotional Abuse

1
Know when you're being verbally abused. Your parent might yell at you to stop you from doing something dangerous or bad, but this one-time incident doesn't necessarily mean you are being verbally abused. But if you experience repeated name-calling, shaming, or threats, then this is considered verbal abuse or verbal assault.
- Your parents yelling at you or scolding you does not count as verbal assault. That type of discipline is usually appropriate and has a purpose, as long as it doesn't get out of hand.
- If your parents are constantly screaming or saying mean things to you, even when you haven't done anything wrong, they are emotionally abusing you.
- If your parents talk down to you, shame you, or make fun of you on a regular basis, they are emotionally abusing you.
- If your parents are ignorant of your self-identity (LGBT) or talk down on you for it, that can be considered emotional abuse.
- Any verbal threats made towards you, your siblings, or other family members are also acts of abuse.
2
Recognize ignoring and emotional neglect. If a parent gives you the silent treatment, tries to make you feel bad, or tries to cut you off from having other people in your life (like friends, uncles, aunts, and grandparents), this can also be emotional abuse.^{[8]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- If your parent refuses to look at you, refuses to acknowledge you as their child, or refuses to call you by your real name, that is emotional abuse.
- If your parents refuse to touch you, deny your physical/emotional needs, or say mean things to make you feel bad, they are abusing you.
3
Identify isolating behavior. Isolation means cutting you off from friends, family, or other people who are important to you. They may isolate you from only certain people they disapprove of, or from people in general. This may be an attempt to stop other people from influencing you, so they can keep you under their control.
- Not allowing you to be friends with people, simply because the parent doesn't like them.
- Not allowing you to have friends over, or visit friends' houses.
- Disallowing/ignoring your requests to leave the house or do an activity, even though they have the time/money to do so.
- Monitoring phone calls and other interactions.
- Criticizing people in order to alienate you from them.
- Pulling you out of clubs or even school because they don't like the people you're exposed to.
4
Consider how the parent talks about you. It is wrong for parents to belittle you, say they don't want you, or criticize your personality (as opposed to your actions). There's a difference between saying "you hurt your sister's feelings" and "You're a mean and terrible person." An abusive parent may make you feel unwelcome in the family.^{[9]
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- Saying they wish you were never born, or that they had aborted you
- Name-calling
- Saying they wish they had a different child instead of you (such as a girl instead of a boy, or a non-disabled child instead of a disabled one).
- Making fun of your looks or abilities
- Wishing you would die
- Talking about how bad/difficult/awful you are, either to your face or to someone else right within earshot
- Talking about how you have ruined their life
- Kicking you out of your home
5
Notice corrupting behavior. Corrupting means exposing you to something that is illegal or very harmful, and possibly encouraging you to do it.^{[11]
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- Encouraging you to steal, do drugs, cheat, bully, etc.
- Giving you drugs or excessive alcohol, or doing this in your presence
- Encouraging irresponsible promiscuity
- Encouraging you to harm yourself or others
6
Consider exploitation. Parents should be reasonable when holding children to standards. For example, four-year-olds should not be expected to do laundry, ten-year-olds should not be expected to care for younger siblings for the weekend, and many disabled children should not be expected to do the same things that their non-disabled peers can. Responsibilities and expectations should be based on a child's developmental level.^{[12]
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- Expecting you to do things beyond your developmental level
- Making you care for a family member when you are too young or otherwise not able
- Blaming you for others' behavior
- Expecting you to do an unreasonable amount of household chores
7
Identify terrorizing behavior. Being terrorized by your parents means feeling threatened or unsafe. Parents terrorize children to make their kids feel fearful.^{[13]
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- Putting you, a sibling, a pet, or a favorite toy in danger, as a punishment for something you did
- Extreme, unpredictable reactions
- Being violent to a person, animal, or object in front of you (such as throwing a glass against a wall, or kicking a pet)
- Yelling, threatening, or angrily cursing
- Holding you to high standards and threatening to punish or hurt you if you fail
- Threatening to harm you, themselves, or others
- Abusing someone else in sight or earshot of you
8
Consider the use of humiliation or deprivation of privacy, especially as punishment. Abusive parents may embarrass you or invade your privacy, and obsess over whether you are doing things they don't want. They may be the "my house, my rules" type.
- Making you do something embarrassing
- Looking through your phone, diary, or browser history
- Removing the door from your bedroom
- Videotaping your punishment to post on the internet
- Making fun of you
- Following you around when you are with friends
9
Notice signs of gaslighting. Gaslighting is when an abuser tries to convince a victim that the victim's experiences aren't real, to make them doubt their own sanity. For example, maybe an abuser hits a victim and calls them lazy, then the next day says that the victim made that up. Gaslighting includes:
- Calling you crazy or a liar
- Telling you "that's not what happened" or "I never said that"
- Saying that you're exaggerating
- Telling others that you are delusional, or otherwise unreliable and not telling the truth
- Moving things around and insisting that nothing has changed
- Saying "you did that on purpose" when you make a mistake

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Getting Help When You Need It

1
Talk to a trusted adult. The first step to reporting abuse of any kind is to talk to an adult you can trust. That adult can listen to you and help you figure out whether your parents are abusing you. Talk to a trusted family member (like an aunt, uncle, or grandparent), a close friend of the family, a teacher or counselor at school, or a trustworthy neighbor.
- Tell the adult exactly what happened, and explain any circumstances surrounding the incident. Did anything lead up to it?
- The adult you talk to should be able to figure out whether your parents are abusing you.
- If the adult thinks that your parents are abusing you, she should then contact the police. If the adult tells you it's abuse but doesn't call the authorities, you should do so yourself.
- A school counselor should know who to contact and how to make sure you are safe. She may also have training to help you begin coping with the abuse.
2
Call for help. If you know that your parents have abused you or are continuing to abuse you, you'll need to contact the police or other authority so that you can be taken to a safer place. You can call the police if you need help right away, or call a help hotline to report ongoing cases of abuse. ^{[14]
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Trustworthy Source
Child Welfare Information Gateway
Online portal managed by the U.S. Children's Bureau providing resources related to childcare and abuse prevention
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- Call 911 if you think your parent is about to hurt you. Your parent might show signs that you know mean they're going to attack you — maybe it happens when they've been drinking, and you can smell the alcohol, and hear yelling. Whatever the signs may be, if you think you are about to be hurt, call 911. The police will be able to come to your home and stop your parent from hurting you right then and there.
- Look up the phone number for your local Child Protective Services office. You can find this number in the phone book or by searching online — but make sure your parents don't know that you're looking up this number.
- Call a crisis hotline. The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is operated 24 hours a day, seven days a week at 1-800-4ACHILD (1-800-422-4453).
3
Try to get away from danger. If you are in immediate danger and have called 911, try to hide someplace safe until help arrives. Lock yourself in a room away from your parent (with a phone, if possible). ^{[15]
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Research source} You may also be able to run to a neighbor, friend, or family member's house.^{[16]
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