How to Convince Your Girlfriend to Have a Three Way

Co-authored by Hannah Madden

Last Updated: August 2, 2022 References

For a lot of people, a three way is pretty high on their list of fantasies. But if you’re actually serious about getting a third person into the bedroom, convincing your girlfriend is the first (and most important) step. In this article, we’ll walk you through bringing up your sexy idea and talking it through with your partner to see how she feels about it. We’ll also help you communicate your boundaries and listen to your girlfriend so that she feels totally comfortable throughout the entire process.

1

Bring it up as a hypothetical.

Asking her as a “what if” takes a lot of pressure off the question. If you really aren’t sure how your girlfriend feels about three ways, try talking to her about it as a hypothetical question. That way, if she’s totally against it, you can simply move on without bringing it up again.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- Try something like, “Have you ever thought about having a threesome?” or, “What if, hypothetically, we invited someone else into the bedroom?”

2

Focus on how it might spice up your sex life.

Reassure your girlfriend that it would benefit the both of you. If this is your fantasy, your girlfriend might be hesitant, simply because she’s never thought about this before. Try describing to her how much you’d both like it, then let her sit with the thought for a while. Say something like:^{[2]
X
Research source}
- “It wouldn’t all be about me, it would be about you, too. Think about how much fun we could have trying this new experience together.”

3

Start with a few new things in the bedroom.

Starting small might help ease her into the idea of spicing up your sex life. If you two always have sex the same way, try introducing new positions or having sex in a new place. Or, head to a sex shop and pick out a new toy or a fun outfit. Then try these things in the bedroom to see how she feels about doing new things with you.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- Bring this up by saying something like, “Hey honey, I was thinking we could spice things up a little tonight. How do you feel about doing something a little different?”
- If an in-person sex shop is a bit much, try browsing online and ordering something to your home.
- If your girlfriend is open to it, you could also try watching porn together. Find a few that include three ways so she can see it happening on screen before you bring it up.

4

Let your girlfriend make all of the decisions.

Make your girlfriend feel safe and comfortable by handing her the reins. If she seems open to talking about a three way, assure her that she could pick the person, pick the timeline, and say stop whenever she wants to. Be open to any of her ground rules that she lays out, and respect whatever she says about the situation.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- You can tell her this by saying, “If we were to do this, you’d have total control. If you ever felt weird or uncomfortable, we’d stop everything right away.”

5

Talk about who you’d have it with.

Discuss together whether it would be a friend or a stranger. The “who” in a three way is very important, and your girlfriend might have some input on who she’d like it to be. You probably don’t want to bring up one of your friends—if you do have someone in mind, let your girlfriend bring them up first. Otherwise, suggest that you go pick someone up at a bar or find a third on a dating app together.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- In general, having a three way with a stranger is less messy than doing it with a friend that you might still see at social functions. But it’s up to you and your girlfriend to decide who you’re comfortable with.
- You can ask someone if they’re open to a three way by saying something like, “Hey, my girlfriend and I were thinking of spicing things up a bit. How do you feel about being our third?”

6

Be open to an MFM threesome if you're a straight man.

This is something to consider if you're a straight man. If you’re a straight cisgender man, you might be looking to invite a new woman into your bedroom. However, if your girlfriend is a straight cisgender woman, she could have other plans. It’s only fair for you to at least think about the idea of having another man in the three way as well. If your girlfriend wants to try it out, keep an open mind, and don’t shoot down this idea right away.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- Some people only want to have an MFF three way if they can also have an MFM three way. It’s up to you to decide if you’re comfortable with this, but your girlfriend might feel like it’s more fair that way.

7

Don't limit the third person to a certain gender, if you don't want to.

Anyone can be in a three way, and you can have someone of any gender in a threesome. Don't limit your options unless you really want to. If you and your girlfriend are pansexual, bisexual, or queer, you might be interested in having a three way with a genderfluid individual, trans/nonbinary person, or another woman. As long as this third person, you, and your partner are willing to be in a threesome together, don't worry too much about gender identity or their body.
- Many gender diverse or queer people prefer to wear a strap-on or use other toys to affirm their gender identity/sexuality, penetrate a partner, or simply because they want to. Don't be surprised about this.

8

Set some ground rules.

Talk about how far you’re going to go before anything happens. It might not be sexy, but if you and your girlfriend agree to a threesome, you need to talk about the rules. Discuss how far you’re both willing to go, how often this type of thing is going to happen, and which sex acts are off the table. The more you discuss this now, the better you can avoid hurt feelings later.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- For instance, is your girlfriend comfortable with you penetrating another woman? How about oral? What is your girlfriend comfortable with doing to another person?
- Be sure to discuss protection, too. If you’re using condoms, bring multiple so that you can put on a new condom before entering someone else.
- It’s a good idea to have everyone get an STD test before a three way, just in case.

9

Emphasize the fact that it won’t affect your relationship.

Your girlfriend might be worried that your relationship could change. Before you have a three way, let your girlfriend know that sleeping with someone else one time isn’t going to push you apart or make your feelings for her any less. Tell your girlfriend that you love her and that you’re excited to have fun with her.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- You could say something like, “I just want you to know that having a three way won’t affect how we feel about each other. You’re my number one, and you always will be no matter what.”

10

Check in with your girlfriend at every step of the way.

Keep the line of communication open so that she feels comfortable. If she is open to the idea of a three way or has agreed to it, ask her multiple times throughout the process how she feels and if it’s okay to proceed. That way, if she’s having doubts or wants to stop, she can tell you.^{[9]
X
Research source}
- Say things like, “How are you feeling about this?” and, “You feel okay so far?”
- Be sure to check in with your other three way partner, too. Make sure they’re feeling comfortable and calm so everyone has a good time.

11

Discuss any underlying issues in your relationship.

Having a three way to save your relationship will never work. If the idea of a three way seems appealing because you’re trying it as a last ditch effort, take it off the table and work on your relationship instead. Bring up any problems that you two are having and hash them out together before even thinking about spicing up your sex life.^{[10]
X
Research source}
- If you and your girlfriend are having trouble working through your issues, consider making an appointment with a couple’s counselor.

12

Respect her decision if she says no.

Your girlfriend has the right to veto your idea of a three way. If you’ve talked about it extensively and she decides she doesn’t want to do it, then that’s that. You should never pressure your girlfriend into a sex act that she doesn’t want to do, so move on and find something else to satisfy your sexual needs.^{[11]
X
Research source}