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This article was co-authored by Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT. Ken Breniman is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Yoga Therapist and Thanatologist based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Ken has over 15 years experience of providing clinical support and community workshops utilizing a dynamic combination of traditional psychotherapy and yoga therapy. He specializes in eclectic non-denominational yoga guidance, grief therapy, complex trauma recovery and mindful mortal skills development. He has a MSW from Washington University in St. Louis and an MA Certification in Thanatology from Marian University of Fond du Lac. He became certified with the International Association of Yoga Therapists after completing his 500 training hours at Yoga Tree in San Francisco and Ananda Seva Mission in Santa Rosa, CA.
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Many people experience intense grief over the loss of a beloved pet. It can be hard to know how to help someone who is going through this kind of loss. There are several things you can do to offer support and comfort to a friend who is experiencing grief over the death of a pet.
Steps
Part 1
Part 1 of 3:
Supporting a Grieving Friend
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1Let your friend talk. In any process of grieving, the most important thing is for the bereaved person to have an opportunity to share their feelings. Your friend should feel free to talk to you without being judged or given unwanted advice.[1]
- Let them take the lead, but give them plenty of opportunities by checking in on them frequently, inviting them over for dinner, going for a walk together, or getting coffee. Don't force talking about the deceased pet, but if they seem to want to talk about the pet, let them know you will not get tired of listening.
- Be prepared for the unexpected. Some people grieve by not talking about their loss at all; other people repeat the details of the pet's death over and over in extreme detail. You might think you know how your friend will respond to death, but you may end up surprised. Similarly, your friend might grieve silently one day and then weep all day the next.[2]
- Try not to compare your friend's loss to anything in your own life, or to make their sorrow about you by talking about your own troubles. If you don’t know what to say when someone is grieving, often just saying that you love your friend and will support them through this time is enough.
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2Spend time reminiscing. Sometimes people who lose a pet feel a very deep sense of loss as if they had lost a child. They might want to talk about the pet all the time. Follow your friend's lead; if they want to talk about their pet's life, be prepared with stories and memorabilia.
- Bring over photos or other mementos of the pet.
- Share a post on social media about how much the pet meant to you so that your friend will see your support. Include a photo or a funny story if you have one.
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3Ask them what they need. Your friend is experiencing the loss of a partner and friend and may not be able to do their errands, chores, or other daily necessities without breaking down in tears. Ask them what they need you to do to support them.[3]
- Also keep in mind that many people experiencing intense grief will not be able to articulate their own needs; their minds are often preoccupied with loss and sadness. Think about your friend's daily life and fill the needs you can. Bring them coffee, bring in their mail or newspapers, offer to do their laundry or housekeeping; anticipate their needs if you can.
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4Offer to cook a meal. A meal is a classic way to support anyone who is going through a hard time or grieving. Find out what your friend likes to eat and bring something healthy and comforting.
- Casseroles and other one-pot meals are often a great choice because your friend can freeze half of it for later. In fact, you might prepare extra and freeze a portion for them.
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5Find resources in your area. If your friend's grief seems overwhelming or you don't know how to help, locate professionals or services in your area that can support them.[4] It is important that you don't force these types of services on your friend, who might not want to utilize them; instead, just find the applicable numbers or meeting times and leave them with them.
- Increasingly, community centers, libraries, and churches offer support groups for pet bereavement; you can search online to see if there is one near you. Some veterinarians even offer grief counseling.[5] Offer to attend with your friend to give your support.
- There are also therapists and psychologists who specialize in bereavement and pet loss, especially for companion animals.
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6Keep on supporting your friend. Remember that grief is an unpredictable process, but they will always miss their pet even if they seems fine. Keep checking in on them and spending time with them over the long haul; that's just what good friends do.
- Consider marking on your calendar the pet's birthday and day of death, so that you can be prepared to offer extra support when those anniversaries come around.[6]
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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:
Offering a Gift or Memento
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1Send flowers or a card as soon as you hear. It is a classic and beautiful way to tell someone that your friend is on your mind and that you are aware of their grief. Sometimes just having grief acknowledged can be helpful.
- Let your friend know you are thinking of them. A simple card that says "I'm thinking of you and (pet's name) today" is enough. Don't offer empty platitudes like "The pet is in a better place," or "You will feel better soon."[7]
- Some flower delivery services offer special bouquets in memory of a lost pet. Check to see what is available from your favorite florist.
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2Make or buy a personalized gift. Depending on your budget or artistic skills, there are several ways you can create a small memorial for the beloved pet, which will show your friend that you care and that the pet will not be forgotten.
- If you are artistically talented, consider painting a portrait of the pet. You can also commission paintings of pets for reasonable prices on websites like Etsy or from local artists.
- You could also consider making or purchasing a dog memorial stone for your friend's garden. These are available for purchase at pet stores and online, and often come engraved with the pet's name and dates of birth and death.
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3Do something in the pet's honor. Think of a random act of kindness or a gift to a charity that would mean a lot to your particular friend or their pet. This is a great way to ensure that the pet's legacy continues to make an impact even after death.
- For example, if their pet loved children, you might make a donation or spend time volunteering with an organization that trains therapy dogs for children. Or maybe they had a favorite park where she loved to bring the dog; consider donating to the park to build a bench or dog run, planting a tree, or spending time volunteering at the park to pick up trash.
- Send a card or letter to your friend and include a beautiful, handwritten note explaining what you did in the dog's honor.
- You can also make a donation in the pet's name to your local humane society.
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:
Understanding What Your Friend is Going Through
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1Know the role that the pet played in your friend's life. It can be hard to understand what your friend is going through, especially if you do not have pets yourself. But psychologists have identified several key roles that pets often play in the lives of their owners, especially companion pets like cats and dogs:
- Pets can fill the same psychological role as a sibling, partner, or child. While that might seem extreme, any pet lover can tell you that the human-animal bond is deep. Losing a pet is very similar in many ways to losing a loved one of the human variety.
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2Watch for health issues. Besides emotional and social benefits of owning a pet, scientists have found that pet owners often experience health benefits as well, including lowered blood pressure, lower levels of anxiety, and lower cholesterol.
- Owning companion pets can reduce rates of depression and increase serotonin and dopamine levels, which increase feelings of calm and happiness. In people with dementia and Alzheimer's disease, owning a pet can reduce symptoms such as aggression and anxiety.[8] If your friend was accustomed to regularly walking her dog, she may now be getting considerably less exercise.[9]
- It should be no surprise that the death of a pet may precede health problems for a bereaved owner, likely because there is no longer a pet to help comfort and relieve stress.
- Help your friend to find other ways to relieve stress in their life and stay active, such as going for a walk, taking up yoga, joining a book club, or finding a creative outlet like painting or music. Since your friend is already feeling lonesome because of the loss of their pet, offer to attend classes or otherwise partake of these stress-relieving activities with her.
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3Understand the grieving process. Just as with the death of a loved one, the death of a pet often causes an intense grief cycle that never really resolves. Don't expect your friend to just stop talking about their pet or to just "get over" their loss as if their pet were a possession and not a friend. Instead, recognize that grief is a process that often takes months or years, and doesn't end in resolution but rather in coping with the loss.[10]
- Grief is a very personal process that is different for everyone. There is no timetable for your friend's grief.[11] [12]
- Your friend may even feel embarrassed or ashamed to talk about their loss with others, because many people do not understand the psychological intensity of pet bereavement. They might fear that you will think they are overreacting or that they should not grieve so intensely.
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4Don't pressure them to get a new pet. While it is common for caring friends and well-meaning family to try to pressure someone to replace a dearly loved pet quickly, your friend will know when the time is right to adopt another pet.
- Keep in mind that they may decide never to adopt another pet. Their beloved pet cannot be replaced, after all, any more than a human child could be replaced.[13]
- If your friend is a senior living by themselves, a new pet might be a good idea to provide companionship and a sense of purpose. Still, it is your friend's decision to make, and should not be forced on them.[14]
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5Understand how they might be feeling if the pet was euthanized. People who have to euthanize sick or severely injured pets often experience intense feelings of guilt and shame over the decision, even if there was no other choice.
- Try not to talk about the euthanasia decision or process unless they do first. In that situation, let them know that they made a loving, difficult choice and that it was the right thing to do. Assure them, if they ask or seem concerned, that the euthanasia process itself is closely monitored to ensure that it is humane, fast, and painless for the pet, who simply falls asleep.
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Warnings
- If your friend shows no signs of improvement, talk to their family or other friends. In some cases, pet loss can lead to severe depression or even thoughts of suicide. If you are worried for your friend's safety, call 911 or your country's emergency services number immediately.[15]⧼thumbs_response⧽
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References
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-pet-loss.htm
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/supporting-a-grieving-person.htm
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/supporting-a-grieving-person.htm
- ↑ Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT. Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 April 2020.
- ↑ http://www.vet.upenn.edu/veterinary-hospitals/ryan-veterinary-hospital/services/grief-support-social-services
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/supporting-a-grieving-person.htm
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/supporting-a-grieving-person.htm
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/emotional-health/the-health-benefits-of-pets.htm
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/emotional-health/the-health-benefits-of-pets.htm
- ↑ Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT. Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 April 2020.
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-pet-loss.htm
- ↑ Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT. Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 April 2020.
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-pet-loss.htm
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-pet-loss.htm
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/supporting-a-grieving-person.htm
About This Article
Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT
Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist
This article was co-authored by Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT. Ken Breniman is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Yoga Therapist and Thanatologist based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Ken has over 15 years experience of providing clinical support and community workshops utilizing a dynamic combination of traditional psychotherapy and yoga therapy. He specializes in eclectic non-denominational yoga guidance, grief therapy, complex trauma recovery and mindful mortal skills development. He has a MSW from Washington University in St. Louis and an MA Certification in Thanatology from Marian University of Fond du Lac. He became certified with the International Association of Yoga Therapists after completing his 500 training hours at Yoga Tree in San Francisco and Ananda Seva Mission in Santa Rosa, CA. This article has been viewed 34,739 times.
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Co-authors: 11
Updated: November 12, 2022
Views: 34,739
Categories: General Pet Health
Article SummaryX
The best way to support a friend who is grieving the loss of a pet is to let them talk to you about their feelings and listen. Don’t try to relate their sorrow to your own experiences, since people often cope with loss in their own way. Remind your friend that you love them, and that you are there to support them. Do what you can to follow their lead and let them grieve in the way they want to. If your friend wants to talk a lot about their memories with their pet, spend some time reminiscing and offer your own stories or photos of their pet to make them feel better. If you’re not sure what the person needs, ask them what you can do to make them feel better. Grief can make it difficult to keep up with mundane daily tasks like cleaning and cooking, so offer to help your friend with chores or cook them their favorite meal to help them keep going through the difficult time. For more tips from our Veterinary co-author, like how to honor your friend’s pet with a memento, keep reading!
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