How to Cheer a Guy Up

Co-authored by Michael Dickerson, PsyD

Last Updated: January 18, 2023 References

Is your guy in a funk? If he's feeling down, you can learn how to pick him back up again. Learn to make yourself available as a listener, and some creative ways to distract him from what's bothering him.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Being a Good Listener

1
Stop asking why he's upset. Guys will often need a little bit of time to cool off before they want to talk about what's bothering them. Look at it this way: If he's upset that you've noticed, you know enough. There's not much need to pinpoint it. Make yourself available to listen, but don't try to pry.^{[1]
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Research source}
- Instead, say you noticed that he was upset. From there, your genuine concern will sometimes make a guy feel comfortable enough to come right out and say what's bothering him.
- It's probably not about you. If it is, you'll probably make it worse by prying into the issue. If you want him to talk about it, give him a chance to cool down a while, and stay calm.
2
Talk about other things. If your guy is still clamming up, show that you care and that you're there by talking about other things. Ask questions about your guy's day, talk about your own, and see if he starts to open up.
- Talk about something he likes to talk about. If he's watching a game, give him a chance to rant for a while about what's going on. Show an interest in what he's interested in to help put him at ease. Even if you're not "having the talk," you are.
- Don't be pushy, but read the situation carefully. Some guys just need to be left alone for a few minutes to make the clear blue skies reappear, that's perfectly normal. Others need to vent, and that's also perfectly natural.
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3
Just be present. Sometimes, you don't need to do anything special to help a guy cheer up but make yourself available. Just be there. Sit with him quietly and be together. Just watch a movie or relax, and let him process his grumpiness on his own. After a bit of silence, he may want to open up.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Michelle Joy, MA, MFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 26 June 2020.}
- Pay attention to his body language, actual words, read the context you're in, and tone. Sometimes, now is just not the time to talk, and silence is a great tool. When there's silence, people feel like breaking the silence. Let him take his time, and let him steer the conversation.
4
When he talks, listen closely. If he starts unloading, just sit and listen.^{[3]
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Research source} Allow him to vent. Once he does that, he'll feel like a huge burden has been lifted which is really half the battle.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Michael Dickerson, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 3 August 2021.} From here, you'll start to see a change in his mood for the better.
- Once he's expressed the problem, don't try to move on from it too fast. He'll feel like you weren't listening if you hop onto another subject. Acknowledge his words, genuinely, and let him know that you hear him.
- Feeling like someone is listening to you makes you feel validated, and also helps you reflect on your thoughts. Gloomy days can often be caused by chaotic thoughts, and putting your thought into words helps with organizing them.
5
Just listen, don't try to fix the problem.^{[5]
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Research source} Cheering up a guy is a big waiting game, a lot of the time. If you push too hard at trying to do "cheery" things, you're going to make him feel parented, or condescended to. It's not your job to try to fix his problems, or offer the optimistic solution.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Michael Dickerson, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 3 August 2021.} Just say, "That sounds tough. I'm so sorry."
- If he asks specifically what you think he should do, voice your opinion if you have one.^{[7]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Michael Dickerson, PsyD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 3 August 2021.} If not, try to suggest someone else that might be a good person to talk to about the issue.
- Don't mother him. If you try to paste over his gloom with excessive cheeriness, you're likely to really turn off some guys. If you don't want to be around it, then go out. Go elsewhere, and leave him alone for a while to stew. Come back when he's more receptive to talking.

Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Planning Distractions

1
Pick something appropriate for your guy and his problem.^{[8]
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Research source} All guys are different, and all problems require different distractions. For one guy, pro football tickets may be the cure-all for anything, while for others it would be a huge waste of money and time. Likewise,
- If your guy is just grumpy after work and is really tired and hungry, just let him sit and eat for a while before worrying too much about what to do. He'll likely cheer up with a little unwinding time. More activities will likely make the problem worse.
- If something more serious is going on, or if your guy can't seem to find his own way out of the rut, plan something yourself instead of waiting. Don't ask "What do you feel like doing?" a million times until he gets irritated. Instead, just say, "I bought tickets to that movie. We're grabbing pizza before hand. Let's go."
2
Encourage him to hang out with his male friends.^{[9]
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Research source} Your guy's guys may have dealt with his tantrums many more times than you have. Likewise, if he is having problems with your relationship, it may be good for him to get it out with his guy friends, instead of talking to you about it. That's a healthy part of a functional relationship.
- Plan something for him, if possible. Don't tell his friends the nitty gritty of what's exactly is happening to him. Say something vague like "John seems a little down. Want to come over for the game this Sunday?"
3
Give him a change of scenery. If the guy doesn't really feel like talking, suggest an activity that gets you out of the house and gets him focused on something else. Even if it's not an activity that he's a huge fan of, like going grocery shopping, it's still good to get the attention focused elsewhere.^{[10]
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Research source}
- Do some kind of chore you need to do together. Head to the store to pick up a few things and ask if he can come along to help. Don't require it, just ask. Find a good reason for him to come, like that you need help picking something out. Get his mind busy.
- Try little things, like going for a walk, or getting ice-cream. Even just seeing if there's anything fun on TV can be some kind of distraction. Cue up a dumb meme or puppy vid from the Internet, if necessary.
4
Try a hug.^{[11]
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Research source} A little physical contact is extremely useful in helping to cheer someone up. Hugs stimulate the release of oxytocin in the brain, which promotes contentment and reduces anxiety and stress.^{[12]
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Research source} A little physical contact can go a long way.
- Warm touches to the upper back, and arm, are automatic charmers. It'll help ease the tension, and trigger endorphins to release, which ultimately will put him more at ease. If you're a couple and want to do more? Up to you.^{[13]
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  Research source}
- As grumpy as some men are on the outside, they want to be comforted and tended to, both emotionally and physically. If you know him well enough, you'll know what he likes, and what he doesn't.
5
Get him his favorite food to cheer him up.^{[14]
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Research source} You know what they say about guys and their stomachs. If he loves chocolate-bacon, go get some at the store and surprise him. If you're tight on cash, whip up his favorite meal. Here are some useful dude-food meal options:
- Chicken and waffles
- Steak
- Reuben sandwich
- Biscuits and gravy
- Lasagna
- Pizza
6
Play video games with him. Is your guy a gamer? If you express an honest interest in something that he loves, he'll appreciate it a lot. Playing video games with him may help him to get his mind off his problems, even if it's just for a while, and help bring you closer together. You might even let him win a round or two.
- If your guy isn't a gamer, pick something that the loves and do it together. He's obsessed with horror flicks, or baseball games? Sit through one and daydream. It'll mean a lot to him.
7
Improvise.^{[15]
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Research source} Cheering someone up is hard work, and not everyone reacts to it the same way. In general, it's good to just give it time, and tailor your approach to the specific guy and situation. Nobody's happy-go-lucky all the time, that's just the way it is.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you get someone to open up over text?

Michael Dickerson, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Michael Dickerson is a Clinical Psychologist with over 6 years of experience working in college counseling. He specializes in anxiety, OCD, and men's mental health. Michael holds a BA in Psychology from California State University, Sacramento and a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) from The Wright Institute in Berkeley CA.

Michael Dickerson, PsyD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Normalize their situation by sharing a similar, tough situation that you went through. The other person might be more comfortable to share their story after you've opened up a bit.
Question

How do you comfort someone over text?

Michael Dickerson, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Michael Dickerson is a Clinical Psychologist with over 6 years of experience working in college counseling. He specializes in anxiety, OCD, and men's mental health. Michael holds a BA in Psychology from California State University, Sacramento and a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) from The Wright Institute in Berkeley CA.

Michael Dickerson, PsyD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Send them supportive messages as a reminder that you're there to listen. Instead of sending unsolicited advice, ask them first if they'd like some advice or feedback on their situation. It's okay if you can't "fix" their problem—a lot of people just want to be heard!
Question

How do I help a friend who has lost their self esteem?

Community Answer

Remind him why he is your friend. Compliment his good qualities - he's trustworthy, kind, intelligent, etc. Celebrate his accomplishments, when he gets a good grade, excels at sports, etc.