How to Avoid Harboring Negative Thoughts About Your Husband

Flip through your old photos. Pull out your albums and look through them. Focus on the emotions captured in the photos. Connect these emotions back to the choices made by you or your husband. You will find that your photos often depict positive moments that you created with your spouse.

• For example, your wedding photos might remind you of how happy you were before the ceremony.
• Acknowledging the past can help you look forward to the future.

Initiate frequent physical contact. If you are feeling negative, you may avoid being physically close to your husband. Try to reach out in small ways. Give him a quick hug or a small kiss on the cheek. Reach out and squeeze his hand. The goal is to get back to a state where you enjoy physical contact.^[13]

Go out on a date. It is tempting to get so caught up in day-to-day life that you rarely plan anything ‘special’ with your spouse. Rekindle the affection in your relationship by setting up a date night each week. Let those close to you know that this is your time to go out.^[14]

• Reserving the time and making it a priority is just as important as the date itself.
• Don’t worry too much about the details of what you'll do. When you're out, focus on what you're enjoying about your husband and the date.

Learn to do something new together. Challenges help people bond and tackling a new task will help you once again view your husband as a partner. Enroll in a cooking class. Take a course on ballroom dancing. Study together at home in order to learn a new language. You are building positive memories with each action.^[15]

• Find an activity that you've never tried that interests you both.
• If you both start off as beginners, you don’t fall into a teacher/student situation and can work together as equals.^[16]

Spend time alone together. Reserve at least 15 minutes each day for one-on-one interaction with your husband. Take a bubble bath together, listen to music, or just sit on the couch and talk. Some couples find it especially helpful to wind down each day by ‘pillow talking’ about what happened and what tomorrow looks like.^[17]

• Put away your electronic devices and silence your cell phones to give each other your full attention.

Identify stress in your life. If you are feeling stressed out in other areas of your life, it can be very easy to become irritable and take this out on your partner. Taking some time to check in with yourself and evaluate your stress levels and the source of your stress (which may or may not have to do with your husband) can help you have more positive interactions with your partner and you can take steps to change or deal with whatever is causing you stress. Stressors may be internal or external. Some things that may be causing you stress include:

• Major life changes (change of job, moving, pregnancy, death of a loved one)
• Workplace stress (an overly demanding job, upcoming deadlines, a difficult boss or coworkers, a toxic work environment)
• Social stress (issues with friends or not having social support)
• Fears, insecurities, or feelings of uncertainty or lack of control
• Lack of balance (having too much on your plate, doing a disproportionate amount of the housework)

Learn healthy ways to deal with stress. There are many constructive ways to manage and minimize stress one you have identified the cause. Exercise is one of the most effective ways to deal with stress. It releases endorphins and boosts mood while improving your physical health. Try to incorporate 30 minutes of physical activity into your daily life (you can break it up into 10- or 20-minute segments to make it more convenient). Try dancing, taking the dog for a long walk, jogging, taking the stairs instead of an elevator, playing a game with your kids (like soccer), or taking an exercise class at the gym.^[18] Other ways to positively manage stress include:

• Meditation
• Yoga
• Spending time with your friends/support network
• Writing in a journal
• Taking a bath

Ask for help when you need it. You may find that you are stressed or feel resentful toward your husband because you feel like there is an uneven balance in your responsibilities. Learn to be assertive and respectfully ask for help when you need it.^[19]

• For instance, you might have too much on your plate trying to work, pick up your kids, clean the house, and cook.
• Try saying to your husband, "I have a lot going on right now and I could really use your help. Can you make dinner and clean up the kitchen tonight?"
• Being assertive doesn't mean being mean or aggressive. It means recognizing what you need and want and asking for it, while respecting the other person.
• Be willing to compromise and calmly discuss how to better share responsibilities.

Eliminate stress when possible. One way to reduce stress in your life is to cut out things that cause you stress or to stop overextending yourself. Learning to say "No" to things when you have reached your limits for what you can take on can have a major impact on your stress levels. Look at your commitments and ask yourself what things you "must" do and wha things you feel you "should" do. Try to cut out some of the "shoulds" to avoid taking on too much.^[20]

• Consider if your environment is stressing you out. If the news is making you anxious and stressed, turn it off.
• Try to avoid people who stress you out.
• If it's someone you can't completely avoid, minimize your interactions as much as possible.
• For instance, if you have an annoying coworker who stops by your desk, you can say, "I'm in the middle of a project, I can't talk right now."

Take an honest look at yourself. You need to consider the true sources of your negative thoughts — are they really just about your husband or something/someone else?^[21] For example, do you have a tendency to view things in a negative light anyway? It might be helpful to consider exactly what you want out of marriage and out of your husband in particular.^[22]

• Write down a list of qualities that you require from your partner.
• Check off the number of those traits you possess.
• For example, if you listed "funny" but you haven't been laughing lately, you may need to work to rediscover your own sense of humor.

Keep communication open with your partner. Even when you are experiencing negative thoughts, try to start up a conversation with your husband. Begin by discussing trivial matters like the day’s plans, etc. Keeping the conversation lines open will allow you to develop additional trust in your husband.

• In addition to the small things, make sure that you talk about important matters such as finances.
• Being the sole financial planner in a relationship can foster resentment.
• To start a conversation, you might say, “Tonight after dinner let’s talk about what our bills look like for the next month.”^[23]
• If you feel yourself about to say something negative and potentially harmful, count to five in your head. This will usually give you time to cool down.

Ask questions. Misinterpretation and miscommunication is a problem in many marriages. It is possible that some of your negative feelings stem from communication errors between you and your husband. Make sure to ask what your husband means if you are unclear. Don’t just assume the worst.^[24]

• You might say, “I’m not sure what you mean. Explain it a bit more.”
• Ask how he feels and what he thinks about various scenarios. Tell him how you feel/what you think.

Say thank you. Practice gratitude on a daily basis. Make a point to say “thank you” at least once a day to your husband. If you recognize his efforts, he will start to appreciate you more as well. Express gratitude for even the little moments. If he helps you find a book you were looking for, say “thank you.” ^[25]

Confide in a trusted friend. Go to someone you trust and who will keep private whatever you tell them. Explain your negative feelings, giving specific examples. Discuss possible solutions and ways to improve your situation. You may find that your situation is not all that unusual.

• Try to be specific about the issues if you can.
• Instead of just saying, “We don’t get along,” you might explain, “We don’t go out and do things together like we used to.”
• Your friend might suggest more outings as a possible solution.