How to Eradicate and Stop Negative Thoughts

Be deliberate with your thoughts and beliefs. Make the decision that you are going to play an active role in determine your own thoughts. You can control what you think about. This means making a daily effort to consciously program thoughts or affirmations into your mind as well as learning to be mindful and more present. Remember that you are a special, one-of-a-kind person that deserves love and respect - from others and from yourself. The first step to getting rid of negative thoughts is making a commitment to doing so.^[4]

• It is often helpful to choose a particular thought or unhelpful "rule" that you want to focus on changing, rather than trying to completely eradicate all negative thinking overnight.
• For example, you could select negative thoughts about whether you deserve love and friendship to start with.

Remind yourself that thoughts are merely thoughts. Those negative thoughts you encounter are not facts. They are the product of negative core beliefs that you've adopted over the course of your life. Reminding yourself that your thoughts are not facts, and that your thoughts don't define you, will help you distance yourself from unhelpful negative thinking.

• For example, instead of saying “I'm stupid,” say, “I'm having a thought that is stupid.” Instead of saying, “I'm going to flunk the exam” say “I'm thinking I'm going to fail this test.” The difference is subtle but important in re-training your consciousness and eradicating negative thinking.

Find the triggers of your negative thoughts. Knowing exactly why we have negative thoughts is hard to pinpoint, but there are several hypotheses about why this happens. According to some researchers, negative thoughts are a byproduct of evolution in which we are constantly scanning our environment for clues about danger or looking for places of improvement or things to fix. Sometimes negative thoughts are brought on by anxiety or worry, in which you are thinking about all that could go wrong or could be dangerous, humiliating, or anxiety-provoking. Additionally, negative thinking or pessimism can be learned from your parents or family when you were young. Negative thinking is also associated with depression and it is thought that negative thinking progresses depression and depression spurs on negative thinking in a cyclical fashion.^[5] Lastly, negative thinking can stem from past traumas or experiences that cause you to feel shame and doubt.

• Think about any troubling conditions or situations that might be related to why you feel badly about yourself. For many people, typical triggers may include work meetings, school presentations, interpersonal problems at work or home, and significant life changes, such as leaving home, changing jobs, or separating from a partner.
• Keeping your journal will help you identify these triggers.

Be aware of the different types of negative thoughts. For a lot of us, negative thoughts and beliefs can become so normal that we just assume them to be accurate reflections of reality. Try to be aware of some key patterns of thinking that be harmful; this can help you better understand your behaviour. Here are some common types of negative thinking that therapists term ‘cognitive distortions’:^[6]

• All-or-nothing or binary thinking
• Mental filtering
• Jumping to negative conclusions
• Turning positives into negatives
• Emotional reasoning
• Negative self-talk
• Overgeneralization

Try informal Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, is an effective method of changing your thoughts. To begin changing your negative thoughts, you have to take notice of your thoughts as they happen. Catch yourself thinking negatively and stop to see which of the types of negative thinking it is. You can even write it down in a journal the moment you are first learning to alter your thought to gain some clarity on the process.^[7]

• Once you’ve identified the type(s) of negative thinking at work, begin to test the reality of the thought. You can look for evidence to the contrary. For example, if you think, "I always mess things up", think about three instances where you did something successfully. Also be aware of the things that you do successfully as you practice CBT, as an evidence against the limiting thoughts. You can also experiment with the thought to see if it true. For example, if you think, "I’m going to pass out if I try to give a speech in front of people", experiment with this thought by staging a mock speech in front of others to prove to yourself that you will not pass out. You can also try a survey to test thoughts. Ask others about the thought you had to see if their interpretation is the same as yours.
• You can also try replacing certain words that make the statement negative. For example, if you say "I should not have done that to my friend” you could say "Things would have turned out better if I had not done that to my friend" or "I’m sad I did that to my friend, and I will try not to repeat it in the future."
• Overtime, these CBT-based exercises can help you adjust your thoughts to be more realistic, positive, and proactive, rather than negative and self-defeating.

Attack all-or-nothing thinking. This type of thought occurs when you perceive that life and everything you do only has two paths. Things are either good or bad, positive or negative, etc. You do not allow room for flexibility or re-interpretation.^[8]

• For example, if you don't get a promotion but are specifically encouraged to apply the next time there's an opening, you might still insist that you're a total failure and worthless because you didn't get the job. You see things as either all good or all bad and there is nothing in between.
• To challenge this type of thinking, ask yourself to think about situations along a scale from 0-10. Remember that things are extremely unlikely to be a 0 or a 10.^[9] For example, you might tell yourself, “My work experience for this promotion was about a 6 of 10. That suggests I wasn’t a good fit for this position. That doesn’t mean I won’t be a good fit for another position.”

Fight filtering. When you filter, you see only the negative side of things and filter out everything else. This usually results in distortions of individuals and situations. You may even blow negatives way out of proportion.^[10]

• For example, if your boss noted that you made a typo on a report, you might focus on this and ignore all the good things she said about your work.
• Instead, focus on potentially negative situations, such as criticism, as opportunities for growth rather than attacks. You could tell yourself, “My boss really liked my work, and the fact that she told me about the typo shows that she respects my ability to correct mistakes. That’s a strength. I also know to proofread more carefully next time.”^[11]
• You can also try to find one positive thing for each negative thing you notice. This will require you to broaden your focus.
• You may also notice yourself diminishing positives, such as saying “I just got lucky” or “That only happened because my boss/teacher likes me.” This is also inaccurate thinking. When you work really hard for something, acknowledge your effort.

Try not to jump to conclusions. When you jump to conclusions, you assume the worst when there is almost no evidence to support that contention. You haven’t asked the other person for information or clarification. You’ve just made an assumption and run with it.^[12]

• For example, "My friend didn't respond to the invite I just sent a half hour ago so she must hate me."
• Ask yourself what evidence you have for this assumption. Require yourself to compile a list of evidence in support of the assumption, just like you were a detective. What do you actually know about the situation? What do you still need to make an informed judgment?^[13]

Watch out for emotional reasoning. You infer that how you feel is reflective of a larger fact. You accept your thoughts as true and correct without asking questions of them.^[14]

• For example, "I feel like a total failure, so I must be a total failure."
• Instead, ask yourself for other evidence about this feeling. What do other people think of you? What does your performance at school or work suggest? What evidence can you find to support or discredit this feeling? Remember that thoughts are not facts, even when they feel true.

Overcome overgeneralization. When you overgeneralize, you assume that one bad experience automatically ensures more bad experiences in the future. You base your assumptions on limited evidence and use words like always or never.^[15]

• For example, if a first date doesn’t go as you hoped, you might think, “I’m never going to find someone to love.”
• Eliminate those words such as “always” or “never.” Use limited language instead, such as “This particular date didn’t work out.”
• Look for evidence to challenge this thought. For example, does one date really determine the rest of your love life? What is the actual likelihood of that?

Acknowledge all thoughts, including the negative ones. Negative thoughts are just like any other thoughts. They come into your head. They exist. Acknowledging your unhelpful thoughts doesn’t mean accepting that they’re “right” or true. It means noticing when you experience an unhelpful negative thought and acknowledging that you had it, without judging yourself for it.^[16]

• Trying to control or repress negative thoughts, such as saying “I’m not going to have negative thoughts!” can actually make them worse. It’s a bit like telling yourself not to think about purple elephants -- now, that’s all you can imagine.
• Several studies have shown that acknowledging, rather than fighting, negative thoughts can help you work past them.^[17]
• For example, if the thought shows up that you are unattractive, notice it by telling yourself something like, “I am having the thought that I’m unattractive.” You aren’t accepting this as true or correct, just acknowledging that the thought exists.

Cultivate mindfulness. Mindfulness is a technique that invites you to learn to observe your emotions without heightened emotions.The principle of mindfulness is that you need to acknowledge and experience the negative thoughts and emotions before you can let them go. Mindfulness is not easy because it means becoming aware of the negative self-talk that often accompanies shame, like self-condemnations, comparisons with others, etc. However, the task is to acknowledge and recognize shame without getting caught up in or giving power to those emotions that arise. Research has shown that mindfulness-based therapy and techniques can facilitate self-acceptance and help reduce negative thoughts and feelings.^[18]

• Try to find a quiet space to practice mindfulness. Sit in a relaxed position and focus on your breathing. Count the inhales and exhales. Inevitably, your mind will wander. When this happens, don't chastise yourself but take note of what you are feeling. Don't judge it; just be aware of it. Try to bring attention back to your breath, as this is the real work of mindfulness.
• By acknowledging but de-centering your thoughts and not letting them take over, you are learning how to cope with negative feelings without actually trying to change them. In other words, you are changing your relationship to your thoughts and feelings. Some people have found that in doing this, eventually the content of your thoughts and emotions changes (for the better) too.

Watch out for “shoulds.” Shoulds, musts, and oughts are often signs of an unhelpful rule or assumption that you’ve internalized. For example, you might think, “I should not ask for help because that would show weakness,” or you might think “I ought to be more outgoing.” When you notice this language, take the time to ask yourself some questions about these thoughts:

• How does this thought impact my life? For example, if you think “I ought to be more outgoing or I won’t have any friends,” you might feel embarrassed when you don’t accept social invitations. You might push yourself to go out with friends, even when you feel tired or could use the time to yourself. This could cause problems for you.
• Where did this thought come from? Thoughts often come from rules that we hold for ourselves. Perhaps your family were very extroverted and encouraged you to be highly social, even if you’re an introvert. This might have led you to believe there was something “wrong” with being more quiet, which could lead to a negative core belief about yourself such as “I’m not good enough the way I am.”
• Is this thought reasonable? In many cases, our negative core beliefs are based in overly inflexible and rigid thinking that holds us to unreasonable standards. For example, if you’re an introvert, it may not be reasonable for you to be outgoing and social all the time. You may truly need time to yourself to recharge. You may not even be enjoyable company if you don’t get that time you need.
• What do I gain from this thought? Consider whether you benefit from this thought or belief. Is it helpful to you?

Find flexible alternatives. Instead of the old rigid rules for yourself, look for more flexible alternatives. Often, substituting qualified terms such as “sometimes,” “it would be nice if,” “I’d like to,” etc. is a good first step in making your expectations for yourself more reasonable.

• For example, instead of saying, “I ought to be more outgoing or I won’t have any friends,” qualify your language with flexible terms: “Sometimes I will accept invitations from friends, because friendship is important to me. Sometimes I will take time to myself, because I am also important. It would be nice if my friends understand my introversion, but even if they don’t, I will take care of myself.”

Aim for a more balanced view of yourself. Often, negative beliefs about yourself are extreme and totalizing. They say “I am a failure” or “I am a loser.” These beliefs allow for no “grey area” or balance. Try finding a more balanced view of these self-assessments.

• For example, if you frequently believe you are “a failure” because you make mistakes, try to make a more moderate statement about yourself: “I am good at quite a few things, average at quite a few things, and not so good at a few things -- just like everyone else.” You aren’t saying you’re perfect, which would also be inaccurate. You’re acknowledging that, like every other human on the planet, you have strengths and areas for growth.
• If you frequently totalize yourself, such as “I’m a loser,” or “I’m pathetic,” rephrase this to acknowledge the “grey area”: “I make mistakes sometimes.” Note that this statement is not something you are, it’s something you do. You are not your mistakes or your unhelpful thoughts.

Show yourself compassion. If you feel yourself in danger of ruminating, that broken-record loop where you get “stuck” in an unhelpful thought pattern, nurture self-compassion and kindness. Instead of berating yourself and engaging in negative self-talk (i.e., "I'm stupid and worthless"), treat yourself as you would a friend or other loved one. This requires careful observance of your behavior and the ability to step back and realize that you would not let a friend engage in this kind of self-destructive thinking.^[19] Research has suggested that self-compassion has numerous benefits, including mental well-being, increased life satisfaction, and decreased self-criticism, among others.^[20]

• Offer yourself positive affirmations each and every day. This works to restore your sense of self-worth and increase the compassion you show for yourself. Set aside time each day to say aloud, write, or think affirmations. Some examples include: "I am a good person. I deserve the best even if I have done some questionable things in my past"; "I make mistakes and I learn from them"; "I have lots to offer the world. I have value to myself and to others."^[21]
• You can practice compassion when you keep your journal. When you’re tracking your negative thoughts, show yourself some kindness regarding them. For example, if you had the negative thought, “I am so stupid and I will fail this test tomorrow,” examine it with kindness. Remind yourself not to totalize yourself. Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes. Plan on what you can do to avoid similar mistakes in the future. You could write something like, “I am feeling stupid because I didn’t study enough for this test. Everyone makes mistakes. I wish I had studied more, but I can’t change that. Next time, I can study more than a day in advance, I can ask a tutor or my teacher for help, and I can use this experience to learn and grow from.”

Focus on the positive. Think about the good stuff. Chances are that you are not giving yourself enough credit for everything that you've done throughout your life. Impress yourself, not others. Take some time to reflect and look back at your past glories from big to small; this will not only help you become more aware of these accomplishments but can also help validate your place in the world and the value you bring to the people around you. Consider grabbing a notebook or journal and setting a timer for 10 to 20 minutes. During this time, write a list of all of your accomplishments and return to it as you have more to add!^[22]

• In this vein, you are becoming your own cheerleader. Give yourself positive encouragement and credit for the things you do. For example, you might note that although you're not getting all the exercise you'd like to be getting, you have been going to the gym one extra day a week.

Use positive and hopeful statements and language. Be optimistic and avoid the self-fulfilling prophecy of pessimism. If you expect bad things, they often occur. For example, if you anticipate a presentation going poorly, it just might. Instead, be positive. Tell yourself, "Even though it's going to be a challenge, I can handle this presentation."^[23]

Let go of the influences of others. If you have negative thoughts in your head, it’s possible you have people around you who are giving fodder to those same types of negative messages about you, even close friends and family. In order to let go of shame and move forward, you'll need to minimize "toxic" individuals who bring you down rather than lift you up.

• Consider the negative statements of others to be 10 pound weights. These weigh you down and it becomes more difficult to bring yourself back up. Free yourself from that burden and remember that people cannot define who you are as person. Only you can define who you are.
• You may also need to think about people who make you feel badly about yourself. You can't control anyone else's behavior; what you can control is how you respond and how you let their behavior impact you. If another person is unjustly rude, mean, or dismissive or disrespectful towards you, understand that he may have his own problems or emotional issues that is causing him to act negatively towards you. However, if this person is triggering your low self-esteem, it is best if you can walk away or remove yourself from situations where that person is present, particularly if he responds negatively if you try to confront him about his behavior.

Surround yourself with positive social support. Almost all humans benefit from social and emotional support, whether it be from families, friends, co-workers and others in our social networks. It's helpful for us to talk to and strategize with others about our problems and issues. Oddly enough, social support actually makes us better able to cope on our own with our problems because it increases our self-esteem.^[24]

• Research has consistently shown a correlation between perceived social support and self-esteem, such that when people believe they have social support, their self-esteem and feelings of self-worth increase. Thus, if you feel supported by the people around you, you should feel better about yourself and better able to cope with negative feelings and stress.
• Know that when it comes to social support, there is no one-size-fits-all mentality. Some people prefer to have just a few close friends whom they can turn to, while others cast a wider net and find support among their neighbors or church or religious community.^[25]
• Social support can also take new forms in our modern age. If you feel anxiety about having to talk to someone face-to-face, you can also stay connected with family and friends or meet new people via social media, video chats, and email.^[26]

Extend a helping hand to others. Research has shown that people who volunteer tend to have higher self-esteem than those who do not. It may seem counter-intuitive that aiding others helps you feel better about yourself, but the science does indeed suggest that feelings of social connectedness that accompany volunteering or helping others make us feel more positive about ourselves.^[27]

• As a bonus, helping others makes us happier! In addition, you will also be making a real difference in someone's world. Not only will you be happier, but someone else might also be as well.
• There are so many opportunities out there to get involved with others and make a difference. Consider volunteering at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter. Offer to coach a children's sports team during the summer. Step in when a friend needs a hand and make them a bunch of meals to freeze. Volunteer at your local animal shelter.