How to Ask a Girl to Be Your Girlfriend if You Are in Your 30s

Co-authored by Stefanie Safran and Janice Tieperman

Last Updated: June 4, 2022 References

Dating in your 30s can be tricky, especially if you haven’t been on a date in a while. Not to worry, though! In many ways, the dating scene is a lot easier to navigate when you’re in your 30s since you and your potential partner are old enough to know what you want without playing games. As such, the best way to ask a girl to be your girlfriend when you’re both in your 30s is to be straight up and ask her! If you’re ready to take the next step, here are a few tips and suggestions to help you along the way.

1

Be direct and ask in person.

The easiest way to ask her out is to just ask! A new relationship can be hard to navigate, especially if you haven’t made things official. Don’t worry—asking her directly is the easiest, most direct way to get a clear answer. Just let her know how much you like her, and that you’d like to be with her.^{[1]
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- During COVID-19, you might have to ask her out over the phone or over video chat.
- You might say something like, “I’m really loving the time we’ve spent together. Would you like to be my girlfriend?”

2

Show your vulnerable side.

Let her know how you really feel. It can be a little scary to open yourself up to someone if you're not sure how they feel. However, if you're going to get into a relationship, it's important to show her how much you care. Talk to her about how you'd like the relationship to progress, and let her make her decision based on that.^{[2]
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- For example, you might say, "I really care about you, and I'd love for us to take our relationship further."

3

Avoid using pick-up lines.

You won’t come across as genuine if you use a pick-up line. Instead, just tell her the truth—that you’d like to be her partner. Authenticity is always the best way to start a new relationship!^{[3]
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4

Use mature language.

Skip over the high school or college jargon. If you really want a serious relationship, back yourself up with some serious language. Phrases Iike “let’s kick it” or “let’s chill” don’t offer a lot of maturity, and don’t make you seem very serious. Instead, talk to her in a sincere and genuine way.^{[4]
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- “I’d love for you to be my girlfriend” is much more mature than something like “Let’s make this legit.”

5

Tell her you don't want to see other people.

Make things exclusive if you've been on a few dates already. You might be dating casually, but that doesn't mean she's your girlfriend yet. If you want to take things to the next level, tell her you aren't interested in seeing anyone else, and you want to know if she'll agree to only date you.^{[5]
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- Say something like, "I really enjoy spending time with you and I'd love to see where this goes. I'm not dating anyone else, and I don't want to. Are you seeing anyone other than me?"
- If you met online, you could say, "I deleted my dating profile. Do you still have yours up?"

6

Tell her your friends are getting curious.

Use this as an indirect way to find out how she feels. If you're feeling a little shy, try framing the conversation in terms of how other people see you. Let her know that other people have noticed how much time you're spending together, but that you wanted to check with her before you said anything.^{[6]
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- For instance, you might say, "After lunch, Jay asked me if you were my girlfriend, but we haven't had that conversation yet so I didn't know what to say. I kind of liked the sound of it, though."

7

Pop the question in a letter.

A written letter can help take some of the edge off. Brainstorm everything you’d like to say to her, and jot it down in the letter. Let her know exactly how you feel, and that you’d like to take things to the next level. Once your letter is finished, hand it to her directly, or mail it to her home.^{[7]
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- You might reflect on some of your past relationships, or talk about how comfortable and happy you feel when you’re around her.
- You could write something like, “I can never find the right words to say when I’m with you, so I’m writing this letter to tell you exactly how I feel.”

8

Take her on a date and ask her out.

Pick a place where it’s easy to have a conversation. Keep it flexible—grabbing lunch or coffee is a great place to start. If she isn’t a fan of your original suggestion, feel free to compromise and go with whatever she suggests.^{[8]
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Research source} Spending time together on a date is a great time to ask her to be your girlfriend.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Stefanie Safran
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 8 May 2020.}
- “Want to grab coffee this weekend?” or “Are you free for lunch tomorrow?” are simple but effective ways to invite her on a date.
- Plan a date where you’ll be able to talk openly and freely. If you’re catching a movie together, you won’t get much time to talk.

9

Ask her over a romantic meal.

If your girl is a foodie, she’ll love this tasty approach. As you’re serving the food, make a casual comment about how these foods taste best in pairs, like burgers and fries or spaghetti and meatballs. Then, segue into a comment about how both of you go really well together.^{[10]
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- This isn’t necessarily the smoothest approach, but it’s still a fun way to approach the topic.
- You might say something like, “Macaroni and cheese work so well together—just like us!”

10

Invite her to a group event.

Group dates are a little less nerve-wracking than solo dates. Instead of meeting up with her alone, ask if she’d like to go to a group outing, like a sports game, barbecue, carnival, or game night. Spending time in a group atmosphere might take some of the pressure off.^{[11]
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Research source} If the group setting feels too public, take her aside for a few minutes to ask her the big question.
- You might say something like, “Could we talk outside for a second? There’s something I want to ask you.”
- When you’re with other people, there won’t be any awkward gaps in the conversation.

11

Volunteer with her.

Let her see your charitable side through a day of volunteering. Then, segue your community service into a possible dinner date. If she accepts, you can ask the big question when you’re alone together.^{[12]
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- You might invite her to volunteer at an animal shelter with you, or help out at a local soup kitchen or food pantry.
- You could say something like, “The community center is holding a blood drive this weekend. Would you like to go with me? We could grab a coffee after.”

12

Stay relaxed even if she says no.

Rejection is a normal part of life, regardless of your age. There are plenty of reasons a girl might say no—she might not feel the same way, or the timing might not be right. Still, try not to take it too personally. Instead, stay cool, mature, and polite, and thank her for being upfront about her feelings.^{[13]
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Expert Q&A
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Question

Is dating harder in your 30s?

Stefanie Safran
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Stefanie Safran is a Dating Coach, Matchmaker, and the Owner of Stef in the City, a Matchmaking and Dating Coaching business focused on an honest and hands on approach. Stefanie labels herself as “Chicago's Introductionista®” as she has over 15 years of experience in the matchmaking industry. Her work has been featured on various media such as: ABC7, NBC5, CBS2, WGN, FOX, The Chicago Tribune, The Chicago Sun Times, The HuffPost, and Refinery29. She holds a MBA in marketing and branding from Loyola University in addition to her BA from the University of Wisconsin-Madison.

Stefanie Safran

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

Not necessarily. In fact, it might be easier. People tend to learn a lot from relationships that don't work out, so you may have an easier time finding someone to click with.
Question

What are women in their 30s looking for?

Stefanie Safran
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Stefanie Safran is a Dating Coach, Matchmaker, and the Owner of Stef in the City, a Matchmaking and Dating Coaching business focused on an honest and hands on approach. Stefanie labels herself as “Chicago's Introductionista®” as she has over 15 years of experience in the matchmaking industry. Her work has been featured on various media such as: ABC7, NBC5, CBS2, WGN, FOX, The Chicago Tribune, The Chicago Sun Times, The HuffPost, and Refinery29. She holds a MBA in marketing and branding from Loyola University in addition to her BA from the University of Wisconsin-Madison.

Stefanie Safran

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

In my opinion, the main thing they want to see is that you're making an effort. Clean your facial hair up, dress snazzy, have clean hands and whatnot. If they see you care about the way you look, she'll be much more inclined to be open to a date.
Question

How should I act on a first date?

Stefanie Safran
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Stefanie Safran is a Dating Coach, Matchmaker, and the Owner of Stef in the City, a Matchmaking and Dating Coaching business focused on an honest and hands on approach. Stefanie labels herself as “Chicago's Introductionista®” as she has over 15 years of experience in the matchmaking industry. Her work has been featured on various media such as: ABC7, NBC5, CBS2, WGN, FOX, The Chicago Tribune, The Chicago Sun Times, The HuffPost, and Refinery29. She holds a MBA in marketing and branding from Loyola University in addition to her BA from the University of Wisconsin-Madison.

Stefanie Safran

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

Treat it a little bit like a first interview. Do your best to be make a good impression, be honest, and actually pay attention to what's going on. Don't pull your phone out or text while you're on a date. Listen, engage in conversation, and take an active interest in the person you're talking to.