How to Abstain from Sex With Your Long Term Boyfriend

There are lots of reasons you may want to abstain from sex with your long-term boyfriend.[1] Whether you have a medical condition, you follow a religious practice, or you're working on your relationship, it's completely fine to abstain from sex! However, it is important to communicate with your boyfriend so you're on the same page. Discussing your needs and sexual boundaries is great for you both and it can really put your relationship into perspective.

1

Talk with your boyfriend about abstaining.

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    Have a constructive conversation about your motivation and feelings.[2] It can seem awkward to sit down and talk about sex, but it's an important conversation. Tell your boyfriend why you want to abstain or have to abstain (if you have a medical condition). Let them know what you're comfortable with doing and what you don't want to do sexually. Then, give your boyfriend a chance to talk about how he feels.[3]
    • You probably won't cover all the important topics and concerns in just one sitting. This is totally fine! Make a plan to continue the discussion later.
    • Plan on having this talk before you're in a sexually charged moment so you can both focus on what's being said.[4]
2

Decide what you both want from the relationship.

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    Set sexual boundaries and agree to them. Your boyfriend might be supportive, in which case you two can talk about what intimate activities are okay to do. Your boyfriend might be hesitant about celibacy or may decide that the relationship won't work without sexual intimacy. Whatever he decides, it's important that you are comfortable with the terms of the relationship. If not, you may not want to keep dating.[5]
    • Don't feel pressured into doing things that make you uncomfortable. Every person is in charge of their own body and you get to make your own decisions about your sexuality.
    • Be really clear when you come up with your boundaries so there's no confusion later.
3

Discuss ways to feel fulfilled as a couple.

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    Talk with your boyfriend about what makes you feel close as a couple. Find ways that you can both show loving intimacy to each other so you feel connected. You may be someone who needs a lot of physical reassurance so you might tell him that you still need hugs and loving touches, for instance.
    • You might find that you both put more effort into your relationship since you're not focused on sex. This can make you feel stronger as a couple.
4

Do things that make you laugh together.

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    Take a break from the serious sex talks and have fun![6] Since every couple is different this could mean a number of things—you might bake something together, go see a hilarious movie, text jokes to each other, or go dancing, for instance.[7]
    • If you like an element of surprise, take turns planning dates. This also takes some of the pressure off of planning things to do together.
5

Get out and do something physical.

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    There will probably be times when abstinence feels difficult. You might even feel like your body is drawn to your boyfriend's, but this doesn't mean you have to have sex. Instead, do something physically active together. Choose activities that get your blood pumping like hiking, running, swimming, or biking.
    • Bonus points for doing things outside. The fresh air and change of scenery can help you clear your mind and connect as a couple.
6

Show your boyfriend affection.

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    Let your boyfriend know you care about him. You might give him compliments or point out things you like about him. Hold hands or give him a hug when you want to feel close. Do little things that show you enjoy being around him.
    • For example, leave kind little notes around for him to find, pick up his favorite coffee, or let him pick the movie the next time you're staying in for the night.
7

Keep a clear head in tricky situations.

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    Recognize when you or your boyfriend might be tempted to have sex. This way, you can handle the situation with a clear head instead of being led by your feelings of arousal. For instance, if you know you'll both be spending the night at a party, find separate rooms to sleep to remove the issue of sex.[8]
    • It's also a good idea to avoid drinking and doing drugs so you're mentally alert.[9]
8

Identify why you want to practice abstinence.

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    There are no right or wrong reasons for abstaining from sex. You might make it a point in all of your relationships, you may have a medical reason that prevents you from having sex, or you may practice a religion that discourages sex before marriage. Whatever the reason, it's important to figure out what your motivation is so you can discuss it with your boyfriend.[10]
    • For example, you might be recovering from previous trauma and the act of sex might be triggering. You may want to abstain while you're working through these issues.
9

Define what abstinence means to you.

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    Abstaining from sex means different things to different people. Decide what activities you're okay with doing and what you won't do. You might be fine with oral sex but not ready for intercourse, for instance.[11] It's important to know what you want so you can clearly communicate with your boyfriend. If you're not sure how you feel about aspects of abstinence, talk to a sex therapist, your religious leader, a trusted friend, or a counselor.[12]
    • For example, you might be alright with erotic touching and foreplay, but you might make intercourse off-limits or you may decide that you don't want any kissing or embracing.
    • There are no right or wrong interpretations of abstinence. The point is that you're deciding what's best for you.
    • You might also decide how long you'd like to abstain. If it's for a specific medical reason, you might just say that you'll abstain until you've healed from a condition, for instance.
10

Maintain and refine your sexual boundaries.

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    Continue to discuss abstinence with your boyfriend as you date. People change and you might find that you change your mind about sex at some point. You may feel like you need to cut back on your current level of physical contact or you might loosen things up and explore more. It's perfectly fine to adjust your expectations, especially as you continue to develop your relationship with your boyfriend.[13]
    • Ask yourself if you are the one who wants to explore more sexually or if you're feeling pressure from your boyfriend. Don't relax your boundaries because you feel forced to.
    • If you both decide to have intercourse, it's important to do it safely. Use protection so you don't get pregnant or end up with a sexually transmitted infection.
11

Talk with a professional sex therapist if you need help.

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    A sex therapist can help you deal with your own sexuality and sex in your relationship.[14] If you and your boyfriend are struggling with abstinence, sometimes talking things over with a trained therapist can help. They can offer ideas for ways you can feel closer or help you address underlying issues in the relationship.
    • Getting help can be really important if a medical condition is the reason you're abstinent. You may feel frustrated or like you don't have control over your sexuality—a sex therapist may help you feel empowered again.

Warnings

  • If you are forced to have sex against your will, that is rape. Reach out to someone you trust and call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 [15]
    ⧼thumbs_response⧽
  • You can still get sexually transmitted infections through skin-to-skin contact, especially if you engage in oral or anal sex.[16]
    ⧼thumbs_response⧽

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References

  1. ↑ https://shop.ucsc.edu/sexual-health/abstinence.html
  2. ↑ Shana Tibi. Certified Professional Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 19 October 2021.
  3. ↑ https://healthservices.appstate.edu/pagesmith/172
  4. ↑ https://shop.ucsc.edu/sexual-health/abstinence.html
  5. ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/abstinence-and-outercourse/how-do-i-talk-about-abstinence-and-outercourse
  6. ↑ https://www.havenhealthamarillo.com/abstinence
  7. ↑ Shana Tibi. Certified Professional Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 19 October 2021.
  8. ↑ https://www.healthyhorns.utexas.edu/hsa_tips.html
  9. ↑ https://myhealth.alberta.ca/Health/aftercareinformation/pages/conditions.aspx?hwid=ug6515
  1. ↑ https://healthservices.appstate.edu/pagesmith/172
  2. ↑ https://newscenter.sdsu.edu/student_affairs/healthpromotion/files/03698-Abstinence_(05-2013).pdf
  3. ↑ Shana Tibi. Certified Professional Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 19 October 2021.
  4. ↑ https://www.healthyhorns.utexas.edu/hsa_tips.html
  5. ↑ Shana Tibi. Certified Professional Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 19 October 2021.
  6. ↑ https://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-hotline
  7. ↑ https://www.cdc.gov/std/life-stages-populations/stdfact-teens.htm

About This Article

Shana Tibi
Co-authored by:
Shana Tibi
Certified Professional Matchmaker
This article was co-authored by Shana Tibi and by wikiHow staff writer, Jessica Gibson. Shana Tibi is a Certified Professional Matchmaker, Date and Relationship Coach, and the Founder of Curated Connections, a matchmaking service for single professionals. Shana specializes in understanding core values and personal preferences to curate dates. She holds a BA in Peace Studies and Conflict Resolution from Prescott College and an MSW in Social Work from California State University, Hayward. She is an active member of the Global Love Institute where she earned her matchmaking certifications. This article has been viewed 217,768 times.
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Co-authors: 27
Updated: February 16, 2022
Views: 217,768
Categories: Sexual Activity
Article SummaryX

If you want to abstain from sex for personal or religious reasons, it’s important to have open communication with your long-term partner. If you haven’t already, explain to your partner that you want to abstain from sex and why it’s important to you. Tell them what your boundaries are so they can help you to maintain them. For example, you might be OK with kissing and foreplay, but not intercourse, or you might want to avoid any kind of sexual contact. Remember, you can still be intimate with your partner in other ways, like cuddling, kissing, and holding hands. If anyone makes comments about your abstinence or tries to pressure you into having sex, ignore them, since it will always be your decision to make. For more tips, including how to deal with temptation if you’re abstaining for religious reasons, read on.

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