How to Write a Letter to a Friend of the Opposite Sex

Co-authored by wikiHow Staff

Last Updated: January 11, 2023

Communicating with a friend of the opposite sex can be complicated, especially if you are both single. It can be tricky to maintain a platonic friendship without creating ambiguity about the romantic potential of your relationship. One way to maintain friendly communication with the opposite sex is through letters that affirm your friendship while avoiding miscommunications that can be interpreted to mean you want more than friendship.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Keeping Things Platonic

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Know your friend's situation. Open communication is key. If your friend is single and looking for a relationship, it is important to know this. Likewise, if you or they are in a committed relationship, it is important to know one another's boundaries. If you clearly understand one another's intentions and goals, you can be aware of potential missteps.
2
Understand that men and women often communicate differently. According to researchers, men and women share 99% identical genetic code. However, this 1% difference can cause differences in perception and communication.
- For example, on average, women talk faster and use more words daily. Being aware of differences in conversation pace and your volume of words can help bridge a gap between inter-gender communication styles. This can also help your friend feel more at ease.
- A recent study showed men and women viewed their inter-gender friendships differently. ^{[1]
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  Research source} For example, men are more likely to be attracted to a female friend, and think the attraction is mutual. Knowing these perceptual differences can help avoid unwanted advances and create awareness that each friend may potentially view the relationship differently.
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3
Be open about what makes you uncomfortable. If your friend is using language or gestures that make you feel uncomfortable, make sure to tell them. This sort of open communication can do wonders to saving your friendship over the long term. ^{[2]
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Research source}

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Crafting the Letter

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Remain aware of boundaries. Although you want to communicate open and freely with your friend, be aware that friendships with the opposite sex have added complications, such as potential tension or physical attractions. In order for it to work, both friends need to be aware that you see one another as siblings or good friends and nothing more. Do not put anything in your letter that might be suggestive of physical attraction or any other lines that cross friendship lines. ^{[3]
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- Avoid flirting. Although many guys and girls flirt with one another, for the good of your friendship you should avoid this.
2
Be open about what is happening in your life. Filling one another in on what is happening in your life will not only help you forge a closer friendship, it will also help avoid any miscommunications about your intentions. This sort of exchange also helps build up your friendship and reaffirm the value of platonic involvement in one another's lives.
- Let them know if you've met someone special. One way to create an awkward moment is for you to keep a new romance from your friend. Let him or her know that you're going on a date, or that you had one that was successful and hope this one will be a keeper. Not only does it keep your friend in the loop of your life, but it also cements the notion that you are friends and only that.
3
Write with familiarity. You and your friend no doubt have built your relationship on a history of interactions. It will make for a nice letter if you reference things you both have in common, whether it is a hometown, college, or anything else. It will also be helpful in reminding them why your friendship has lasted and show an intimacy only friends can have.
4
Make sure they know you value their friendship. If there are any doubts about your intentions, you can clear them up by communicating why you are happy to be friends. Tell them they give great advice, or that you feel comfortable telling them things so that they know what aspects of your friendship you value.
- Inter-gender friendships can have benefits that intra-gender friendships do not. You may talk to your girl/boy platonic friend about things that girls or guys do not typically talk to one another. For example, maybe you and your guy friends talk a lot about sports; but not feelings. Your letter is a chance to focus on things that make your friendship special.
5
Don't complain about your current relationship. If you have a significant other, try to keep complaints about them to a minimum. While relationship griping is part of a normal friendship, inter-gender relationships should be aware of potential implications. Your friend may interpret your relationship as unhappy and mistake your availability.^{[4]
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Research source}
- If you're having relationship problems, talk to one of your same gender friends about it and leave it out of the letter. If you do talk about it with your friend of the opposite sex, it would be best to do in person where you are less likely to miscommunicate.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Structuring Your Letter

1
Use a casual greeting and tone throughout. Language is very important. Do not use language that is reserved for relationships such as terms of endearment like "honey," or "dear". Also avoid any suggestive or sexual language that may make your friend think you have interests beyond platonic friendship.
2
Tell them what's happening in your life and ask about theirs. After saying hello to your friend, you should be sure to fill your letter with interesting tidbits about your life. This will help keep your friendship strong by creating a bond on involvement in one another's life. Be sure to avoid ambiguous language and also ask questions and make comments showing you are interested in their lives.
3
Sign off with a friendly farewell. Don't gush or get overly sentimental, even if you are really missing your friend - keep it positive and light. "Miss you, buddy," is great. Or "XOXO," even, but just make sure you don't leave the letter ambiguous with a sign-off of affection that could be interpreted the wrong way.

Sample Letters

Sample Letter from Male to Female

Sample Letter from Female to Male

Community Q&A

Question

I want a doctor in another town to know I have been having sex dreams about him. I want him to know that I want to see if it really is as good as the dreams are. What do I do?

Community Answer

This depends, do you know the doctor personally outside of his being a doctor? If so, then go see if it is (if he seems willing to find out as well). Don't be afraid to live life, just remember to use protection. However, if you don't know him personally I would recommend you not write him a letter at all and possibly seek counselling for what may be an unhealthy obsession.
Question

I need words to write a love letter, any suggestions?

Community Answer

Tell them how much you love them. Write about what made you fall for them, how you love them so much it hurts because you never thought you'd be able to love this much.
Question

How can I write a letter to a person I admire?

Community Answer

Introduce yourself and mention how you first heard/learned about this person and their accomplishments. Then you can list the ways that person inspires you and/or explain what that person means to you. Thank them for being an inspirational figure in your life, and end the letter by writing "Sincerely," and then your name.

Warnings

Do not create any ambiguity. If you feel platonic only, do not ever allude to any other relationship between you even being possible. Saying things like, "We should have hooked up instead of who we ended up with" puts a dangerous seed of hope in your friend's mind and can end up compromising the relationship in the end.

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If you receive a note containing a comment like the one above, you should treat it lightly, but with an unmistakable "no." Example: "Oh, if we ever had hooked up, we'd have killed each other. It's so much better just being friends with you, and I wouldn't trade your friendship for anything."

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