How to Turn Down a Second Date

Co-authored by Louie Felix

Last Updated: June 8, 2021 References

Turning down a second date is hard for many people. Most people don't want to tell someone "no" outright; however, if you do it with some grace, most people accept the fact that you don't want to date them and move on. Make sure to watch your tone and body language when telling someone "no."

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Saying "No" With Grace

1
Say something positive first. One way to let a person down easy is to lead into the rejection by telling them something positive. That way, they hear something good about themselves before they realize you're saying you don't want a second date.^{[1]
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- For example, you could say, "You're fun to be around," or "You have a great sense of humor."
2
Try not to make it about them. When you do offer a reason for rejecting the person, keep it focused on you or the feelings between the two of you, and be honest.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Louie Felix
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.} That way, you're not actually rejecting the person. Rather, you're saying that you two just aren't a good mix together.^{[3]
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- For example, you could say, "I don't think we had much chemistry," or "My feelings for you are purely platonic."
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3
Wish the person well. Once you've said you don't want another date, you can move on to wishing the person well in some form. You'll be starting on a high note, moving to a more negative note (rejection), and then ending on a high note.^{[4]
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- For instance, you could say, "I wish you the best," "I hope you find someone that makes you happy."
4
Just say "no." Even if you've been on a date with someone, you don't have to offer a reason why you don't want to go on a second date. The key is to be polite and to the point. You don't want to draw it out if you're saying no this way.^{[5]
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- If someone asks you on a second date, you can simply say, "No, but I appreciate you asking me."
5
Think about how you'd want to hear things. One way to help you figure out what to say is think about what you'd want to hear. For instance, most people would rather be told outright than just ignored for the next few days or weeks.^{[6]
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6
Be kind but firm. You don't want to lead the person on, so you need to make sure you say "no" in some form; however, you don't need to be mean about it. Don't attack the person, but rather, bring up what you did like about them.^{[7]
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- Avoid saying things like "maybe" or "I don't think so" or anything that suggests you might change your mind or could be persuaded to go out with them again.
- Remember the compliment sandwich: Start with a positive, tell them you're not interested, then end on a positive note. Something like: "You're a great person, but I don't feel a romantic connection with you. I know you'll be really happy with the right person."

Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Saying "No" Well

1
Avoid lying or passive rejection. While it may seem easier and maybe even kinder in the moment to fib about why you don't want to go on a second date, making something up has the potential to seriously backfire. You may also be tempted to ghost the person — never contact them again and stop responding to their texts and calls, but this is unfair and can be more hurtful than just telling the person you're not interested.
- Saying "no" should be enough without having to make up an excuse.
- Don't say "yes" and then pretend you're busy whenever the person calls you, or promise yo call and follow up and then ignore them.
- If you make up an excuse, it's very possible you might get caught in your lie. Pretending to be sick, that you're getting serious with someone else, that you have to work, etc. — all of these excuses may seem appealing, but the other person could easily find out that you are lying, especially if you have mutual friends.
2
Try to tell them in person or over the phone. Email and texting are convenient and might make it a little easier to turn someone down since they are not right there in front of you, but it's also very difficult to convey your tone. It can be very easy for the other person to misinterpret what you are saying if they can't hear your voice or see your face and body language.
- If the question comes up at the end of the fist date, this is a good time to tell them in person. Or if they ask you face-to-face for a second date. You don't necessarily have to set up a special time to meet up just to tell them "no."
- If the person texts or emails you about a second date, you might write back, "Can I call you?" and let them down over the phone.
3
Be assertive. If you're worried you can't say "no" to a second date, you may need to do some work on being more assertive. This doesn't mean being aggressive or nasty — it means you can comfortably state your opinion and how you feel while being respectful of the other person. Remember that it's okay to say "no" — it's your right to turn someone down and you don't need to apologize or even explain yourself. This can be very difficult for some people to do, because they worry this means they are not nice or they are afraid of confrontation. Working on becoming more assertive can help you see that it's okay to say "No thanks."
- Remember that being assertive is a skill and that you can develop it with practice.
- Try developing a mantra to combat guilt. If you find yourself thinking "I'm a jerk because this person really likes me and I'm going to hurt their feelings," say instead, "I deserve to go out with someone I like, and they deserve to go out with someone who likes them. I'm not going to waste their time and lead them on."
4
Use "I." One way to keep the focus off the rejection is to focus on what you're thinking or feeling rather than using "you." If you use you-statements, the person you're talking to tends to feel like they are being blamed for the situation.^{[8]
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- For instance, you should say, "I'm not feeling the chemistry between us," instead of, "You're not right for me."
5
Watch your tone. You don't want to come across as condescending or mean. Try to keep your tone as polite and even as possible. If you start raising your voice or using sarcasm, you're only going to hurt the person more.^{[9]
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6
Pay attention to your body language. Just like tone, your body language can give a lot away. Of course, you can't completely control your body language, but make sure you aren't smirking and try to look the person in the eye as you tell them. Try to make eye contact and keep your arms and legs uncrossed for a more open posture. Keep your body as relaxed as possible.
7
Be firm. If the person keeps pushing, make it absolutely clear that you don't want a second date. You may need to say it more loudly, block their number if they're trying to call, or block them on social media if they keep trying to contact you. Remember that your safety is the most important thing, and if someone is making you feel threatened, it's more important to protect yourself than try to be polite or tactful.
- You could say "I may not have made this clear in my last message, but I am not interested in a second date. Don't contact me again."
- If you find that someone is making you feel unsafe, talk to security or call the police.
- If someone is coming by your house when you've asked them not to, definitely call the police.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I say no to a second date without seeming rude?

Louie Felix
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Louie Felix is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker, and the founder and CEO of Matchmaking VIP, a company which provides concierge-level matchmaking services to clients around the world. He is also the COO of Agape Matchmaking based in New York City. With almost 16 years of professional matchmaking and dating coaching experience, Louie has served as CEO for the United States' two largest matchmaking companies serving over 50,000 clients. He has been featured as an expert matchmaker for shows on E! Entertainment Television, WeTV and the CW. He was also recently acknowledged as a top 5 worldwide matchmaker by both the International Dating Conference and the Matchmakers Alliance. Louie was also selected as one of America's top 10 Relationship Experts for the Great Love Debate National Tour.

Louie Felix

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

The best thing to do is just be honest. If you didn't have a connection with someone and they had a connection with you, say something like, "I'm flattered, thank you, but I just don't see this moving forward at this time."