How to Turn Down a Date After Saying Yes

Co-authored by Nicole Moore and Madeleine Criglow

Last Updated: June 28, 2022 References

So you said yes to a date and now you've realized that you really, really don't want to go through with it. First, know that this is totally common and you're not mean for having second thoughts. Not everyone is going to be a good match, and you never know when you're going to realize that. If you're looking to get out of a date that you already agreed to, this article is here to help you do it as kindly as possible.

1

Choose your method of communication.

You can cancel with a text, over a phone call, or in person. Text them to cancel if you want a quick, direct method to decline their invitation. If you haven't been on a date yet or just started seeing each other, this will suffice. If you want to have a conversation with the person, call them on the phone. Cancel the date in person if you frequently run into each other or have been seeing each other and no longer want to continue dating.^{[1]
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- If you decide to call them, consider texting them to ask for a good time to reach them on the phone. That way they won't be caught off guard by your phone call.
- If you cancel in person, make sure that the two of you are in private. This will make the person more comfortable during the conversation.

2

Let them know as soon as possible.

Try not to cancel the day of if you can. As soon as you decide that you don't want to go out with them, let them know. It's tough to reject someone, but putting it off won't help. Save yourself the stress and let them know as soon as you realize it's not going to be a good fit.^{[2]
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- If you can, give your date at least 24 hours' notice.

3

Thank them for inviting you on the date.

Start the message with a genuine compliment. Both will ease the person's feeling of rejection. It will also give your words a more positive, friendly tone.^{[3]
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- Begin with, "Thanks so much for asking me to hang out on Tuesday."
- You can also try starting with, "I think you're such a cool person."

4

Be honest with them.

This is the most straightforward, respectful option. Tell the person that although you very much enjoyed meeting them, you are not able to go on the date. If you're comfortable, let them know why. Lead with something nice about the person, but then keep your reasoning brief, kind, and to the point.^{[4]
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[v162151_b01]. 14 June 2022.} Don't feel the need to go into too many specifics.^{[5]
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- Text them something like, "Hey! I've really enjoyed talking with you and you seem super cool. I wanted to let you know that I'm not going to be able to go out next week like I'd thought, though."
- Follow that with your reasoning if you're comfortable sharing. Message them or say something like, "I just don't feel a connection" or "I'm just not looking to date at the moment."

5

Give an excuse.

If you're not comfortable being direct, provide a reason why you have to cancel. Avoid lying about more serious circumstances, like a family emergency or death. Instead, say that you have to help a friend or that you can't get away from work.^{[6]
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- Text them, "I'm so sorry to have to cancel, but I am just swamped at work. I don't think I'm going to be able to make our date on Tuesday."
- Be careful with this option, though. If you simply give an excuse, your date may try to reschedule. If they do, tell them that you can't reschedule right now. They'll probably get the hint.

6

Tell a white lie.

This is a good option if you're concerned about the person's reaction. Share that you just got out of a serious relationship and aren't ready to date. Alternatively, tell them that you're not looking for romantic connections at the moment. Be warned that the person may know that you're lying, especially if they know you well.^{[7]
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- Message the person, "Hey! I've really enjoyed getting to know you, but I have to let you know that I can't go out on Thursday. I just got out of a serious relationship, and I've realized I'm not ready to date yet."

7

Be firm.

Avoid leaving the door open for rescheduling if that's not what you want. Let them know that you're not able to go on the date and that you are not interested in planning another one. To do this, phrase your cancellation so that it's clear that you don't want to continue seeing them in a romantic way.^{[8]
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- Try adding something like, "I think you're a great person, but I don't feel a romantic connection. I hope you understand!" or "Though I really enjoyed our last date, I'm not interested in continuing this relationship. I wish you nothing but the best."
- It might feel uncomfortable to be direct like this, but the person will likely appreciate your honesty. You really don't want to mislead them into thinking you're interested or open to them if you're really not.

8

Suggest alternatives if you still have to interact with them.

Do this if you want to maintain a friendship. It's also a good option if you still have to see them frequently. Offer to schedule a group hangout with your mutual friends. Alternatively, let them know that even if you don't want to date, you still look forward to working with them or seeing them in class. Both offer you the opportunity to keep your friendship or working relationship positive and friendly.^{[9]
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- To suggest a group hangout, say, "I won't be able to go on a date, but I'd love for a group of us to get together as friends if you're interested. What if we all went to see a movie sometime soon?"
- If the person is a coworker or a classmate, try, "I'm not going to be able to go forward with our date, but I'm looking forward to seeing you in class on Monday!"

9

Stop talking to them if they aren't respectful to you.

You're under no obligation to reply if they respond rudely. This is also true if they won't take no for an answer. If you're put off by their response or feel unsafe at all, don't engage. Excuse yourself from the conversation, end the phone call, or stop texting them. Block their number or their social media accounts if they continue to reach out.
- Being rejected isn't an excuse for rude or aggressive behavior.

10

Remember that you don’t owe them anything.

Try your best not to feel guilty. Remind yourself that it's not wrong to reject someone. You just don't feel a romantic connection with this person. Praise yourself for setting firm boundaries and following your intuition. Avoid apologizing or beating yourself up about it.^{[10]
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- Rejecting someone or turning down a date isn't unkind. It just means you aren't compatible.

11

Avoid ghosting.

As tough as it may be, let the person know that you can't go out with them. Ignoring their texts may be the easiest option, but it'll leave them feeling confused and hurt. Be straightforward and cancel the date so that you can both move on.^{[11]
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- Ghosting may cause them to keep reaching out, which will be uncomfortable for everyone involved.
- Treat the person like you would want to be treated. Though canceling a date is uncomfortable, it's best to be kind and direct.