13 Must-Know Tips for Dating a Single Mom in Her 40s

Co-authored by Hardy Jean and Jennifer Mueller, JD

Last Updated: October 4, 2022 References

Have you recently connected with a single mom in her 40s and aren't sure how to go about pursuing a relationship with her? It's not uncommon—after all, almost a quarter of all children in the US live in single-parent homes.^{[1]
X
Trustworthy Source
Pew Research Center
Nonpartisan thinktank conducting research and providing information on public opinion, demographic trends, and social trends
Go to source} If you also have kids, you'll probably understand a lot of the things she's dealing with because you're dealing with them too. But if you don't, you'll quickly realize that dating a single mom is a little different than dating a woman without kids. No worries, though—we here at wikiHow have gathered some tips that will help you date a single mom and take your relationship to the next level.

1

Take it slow.

A single mom isn't likely to rush into a relationship. Part of this is due to her schedule—as a woman in her 40s, she likely has an established career. Between work and kids, she probably won't have a lot of time for dates. On average, you might expect to go out with her about once a week. Don't expect her to invite you over to her place or introduce you to her kids until you've been seeing each other for at least several months.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- Many single moms enjoy the time they get to spend with you as a sexy, desirable woman. When she goes out with you, she gets to get dolled up and have fun on her own terms. It's a sort of escape, and not one she's going to give up quickly.
- Let her know that you're not in any rush and that you're willing to take things as slowly as she needs to. Don't take it personally if she's not eager to take your relationship to the next level—she'll appreciate your patience.
- Obviously, dating is very individualized. Some people do get deeper connections and build a genuine future with each other in less than a few months.
- A good rule of thumb when there are children involved is to really be deliberate and make sure that you're both looking for the same thing. Try to understand if both of you have plans in place that align with where the other person wants to go and also that you're willing to actively play a role in the child's life.
- Introducing kids into a casual dating experience can be very problematic for that child in terms of their own development and their own boundary setting, so respect her if she doesn't want to introduce you as soon as you'd like.

2

Accept that her kids are her first priority.

Her time and energy for you might be limited. As a single mom in her 40s, her kids and her work will be really important to her. If you don't have kids yourself, this is something that can be hard to understand—and that's okay. But even if you don't fully understand it, you still need to let her know that you accept it.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- For example, you might say to her, "Look—I know your kids and your work are always going to be your priorities. I never want to do anything that would make you think I don't get that."
- This also means that you'll have to be understanding when, for example, she needs to cancel a date because one of her kids is sick or she needs to work late. It's nothing personal.
- The main consideration should be the well-being of her kids.

3

Give her plenty of notice when scheduling dates.

Plan the date well in advance so she has time to make arrangements. A single mom has a lot on her plate—and she can't just drop everything to spend some time with you. It's usually good to give her at least a week, but be willing to plan things further in advance if she asks you to.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- This doesn't mean you can't be spontaneous at all, though. For example, you might surprise her with tickets to see her favorite band in concert—when the show's 2 months away, not when it's tomorrow night.

4

Focus on quality over quantity with dates.

You might not get to see her a lot, so make every date special. When a single mom goes out on a date, she usually wants it to be an experience. She often likes an excuse to get dressed up or wear those sexy heels that rarely come out of her closet. Your best bet is to ask her what her ideal date would be and draw ideas from that.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- For example, if she enjoys getting dressed up, you might spring for reservations at a hot local restaurant followed by tickets to a show.
- Think in terms of giving her a fantasy escape. For example, you might have a date at a local botanical garden followed by lunch at a charming bistro.

5

Ask about her interests and passions.

While her kids are a big part of her life, they're not the only part. A single mom wants you to see her as a whole person, not just a mom. She has hobbies and interests that don't involve her children—show curiosity about those things and encourage her to pursue them.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- For example, if she mentions that she used to paint a lot, you might surprise her with some canvases and a set of watercolors.
- Some of her interests can also provide you with date ideas. For example, if she mentions that she really enjoys bowling, you might plan a bowling night for the two of you.

6

Pick up the tab on dates when she's booked a sitter.

Acknowledge that she's already incurring an expense to go out with you. She's not going to need a sitter every time the two of you go out. A lot of the time, the kids will be at their dad's house or with friends or family. But there will be times she might need to hire someone to look after them. She likely already has a tight budget as the sole provider for her family, so you'll score points if you show a willingness to foot the bill.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- This is especially true if you invite her out someplace fancy. If it's your idea, you shouldn't expect her to pay for it.

7

Let her know your intentions upfront.

A single mom doesn't have time to play games. If you're not looking for anything serious, tell her that as soon as possible. It's possible that she's not looking for anything serious either. But if she is, she might not want to waste her time and energy on someone who's not interested in making a serious commitment.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- Let her know what you want before the first date if possible. This might mean that there isn't a first date, but that's better than leading her on.
- Think of the kids here as well. Remember that if the relationship goes well, you're going to become a part of those kids' lives. If you're not interested in that, it's better to let her know early on before she gets too emotionally attached to you.
- If you want to have kids of your own, it's a good idea to bring that up as well. As a woman in her 40s who already has kids, she might not be interested in having any more.

8

Respect her boundaries, especially with the kids.

Accept when she says that something's off the table. Single moms have their own timelines for relationships. If you want to do something and she says "no," remember that "no" is a complete sentence. Even if you only mean something as good-natured ribbing, she might take it as pressure.^{[9]
X
Research source}
- Only she knows when it's appropriate for you to meet her kids. She likely doesn't want to introduce you to them until she's sure she's going to be with you long-term. She's also going to take her kids' ages and personalities into account.
- Don't be disheartened or take it as a red flag if she never invites you over to her house. Remember that it takes her a lot more time and effort to get her house ready for company. She might also not be ready to introduce you to that part of her life.
- If you don't have kids yourself, you might not get why she wants some things to be off-limits—and that's okay. You can ask her if she wants to talk about it more, but keep in mind that she doesn't owe you an explanation.

9

Give her plenty of emotional support.

Sometimes a single mom just needs to vent. Single moms have a lot going on and it can all be very stressful. On top of that, she has the same worries and emotional needs as anyone else. If you're there to listen—really listen—and offer empathy and a hug when she needs it, that'll mean the world to her.^{[10]
X
Research source}
- Let her know that you're there for her whenever she needs someone to talk to. If she apologizes or says she feels guilty for unloading on you, tell her that's what you're there for.
- She doesn't always want advice or want you to fix a problem, either. Sometimes, she just needs to vent. If you're unsure, you might ask her, "Do you just need to vent, or are you looking for solutions?"

10

Show her that you care about kids.

If you're in it for the long haul, you're going to be in the kid's life. If you don't have kids and haven't ever thought of having any, that's okay! But she's not likely to get serious with you if you're anti-kid or don't like being around them.^{[11]
X
Research source}
- Asking about her kids is a great way to show that you care about them, even if you haven't met them yet. For example, if she mentions that her son has a soccer game, you might ask her how it went the next time you see her.
- Let her know that you would be happy to meet her children whenever she is ready for that to happen.
- If you're always asking her when she's not going to have her kids, that's often a signal to her that you don't care about kids and only want to be with her when the kids aren't around.

11

Follow her lead when it comes to the kids.

She knows her kids much better than you do. As a mom, she's always going to try to do what's best for her kids. Support her decisions even if you disagree with them—especially if you don't have any kids of your own.^{[12]
X
Research source}
- This is especially true when it comes to disciplining the kids. If the kids act up in front of you, leave it for their mom to handle—don't step in and try to discipline them yourself.^{[13]
  X
  Research source}
- Even if you have your own kids, remember that your kids are different from her kids. What works for one won't necessarily work for the other. If you want to share or exchange parenting ideas, do it at a time when the kids aren't around.

12

Give the kids time to warm up to you after you meet.

Kids are going to have their own timeframe for accepting you. This can be tough if you've been seeing her for a while, but have patience and don't push it. Remember that her kids are going through a lot and dealing with a lot of change that can be difficult for them to process.^{[14]
X
Research source}
- It's often a good idea to plan activities that involve the kids, like mini-golf or bowling. This gives them an opportunity to get used to you and see you interact with their mom while doing something else.
- Getting to know her kids is a step toward deepening your relationship, so make sure you're serious about her and ready for that kind of commitment.
- Many kids are also pretty protective of their mom, so they may be holding back until they're sure that you're good for her.

13

Stay out of her relationship with her kids' father.

Accept that she's going to have an ongoing relationship with him. There's no need to feel jealous or resentful of her relationship with her kids' father—just tell yourself that if she wanted to be with him, she still would be. She might feel the need to vent about him to you from time to time, though. Just listen and empathize, but don't get caught up in the drama yourself.^{[15]
X
Research source}
- Even if he's a toxic person, she still has to communicate with him occasionally and might find it better to "make nice" with him for the kids' sake. Telling her to cut off communication with him isn't helpful—just be there for her to vent.

Expert Q&A

Question

When should I try to get to know her kids?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

There's no specific timeline, as it depends on beliefs, culture, and attitude. Before you meet her kids, ensure the relationship is serious and all parties involved are ready for that next step.