12 Warning Signs You're Dating a Loser

Co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and Eric McClure

Last Updated: April 7, 2022 References

As the red flags start to pop up, you may begin wondering if the person you’re dating is a loser. In this article, we’ll walk through every major issue you want to watch out for. Keep in mind though, a term like “loser” can be a bit black-and-white. It’s often more productive to think about whether a person is right for you, not whether they meet some specific set of standards. In any case, read on to learn more about what you might want to watch out for.

1

They have an anger problem.

Losers don’t have enough self-control to stay calm when they’re upset. If you’re dating a loser, they may lash out at you when they’re upset. You may even notice that they put you down over minor disagreements, or that they can’t keep themselves from turning unimportant issues into major fights.^{[1]
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- A loser may throw temper tantrums when they don’t get their way. If they blow up over not getting exactly what they want, they’re probably not worth keeping around.
- A good partner may still express anger, but they’ll do it in a way that’s respectful and fair. There’s a big difference between, “I’m upset about something you said last night, can we talk about it?” and, “You were such a jerk last night. I can’t believe you.”

2

They’re lazy.

Losers are notorious for not taking any initiative. Ever ask your partner to do the dishes and they just couldn’t bother getting off of the couch? A dash of occasional tiredness is no big deal, but if they’re constantly struggling to meet very basic expectations, you may be dating a loser.^{[2]
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- Laziness can apply to how they behave in the relationship on an emotional level, too. If they never check in with you to see how your day was, or you’re always texting/calling them first, that’s lazy.
- A loser won’t prepare ahead of time, and they’ll put off important work until the very last minute.

3

They’re clingy.

Losers tend to be possessive and hard to get rid of. If your partner doesn’t have a lot going on in their own life, they may attach themselves to you to compensate. They may also attach themselves to your hip because they’re scared of losing someone they know is better than them.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.} Whether it’s insecurity or a lack of things to do, a loser won’t leave you alone.^{[4]
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- Non-losers usually have enough friends, hobbies, and responsibilities that it doesn’t feel like they’re always available.
- If they always text you back right away and they’re willing to drop everything to talk or hang out, they might be excessively clingy.
- A loser might even say “I love you” way before it’s appropriate in the relationship. This is a kind of extreme form of clinginess you might run into.
- Don’t mistake early infatuation with clinginess. If you haven’t been going out super long, their “clinginess” may just be a huge attraction to you.

4

They’re financially irresponsible.

If they ever go into debt to buy something unnecessary, watch out. Losers usually refuse to take personal responsibility, which extends to the way they handle money. If they work, have some money saved up, or they know when to pull back on the spending, you probably don’t have a whole lot to worry about.^{[5]
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- Losers have poor impulse control when it comes to money. If you see them making silly purchases without really thinking about it, it may be a worrisome sign.
- A loser might even ask you to borrow money. That’s a huge sign something is off and this person probably isn’t date material.
- It’s possible for a regular person to be a bit of a big spender. If this is the only red flag, they may just bad with money.

5

They’re rude to strangers.

Losers are too self-absorbed to care about how strangers feel. The way your date treats people they don’t know tells you a lot about them. Most people have enough empathy, tact, and respect to treat strangers fairly and kindly. A loser only cares about themselves, though. This is a massive red flag that your date isn’t worth keeping around.^{[6]
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- Pay attention to how they treat servers, valet parking people, and folks in the retail industry. If they’re mean or dismissive of them for no reason, they’re definitely a loser.
- If someone asks them for directions on the street or a stranger approaches them with a question and they just totally ignore them, take note.

6

They have no plan for the future.

Losers usually don’t have enough ambition to look ahead. For a loser, their laziness and lack of things going on in their personal life usually combine to make them very unambitious when it comes to the future. If your partner talks about going back to school, fighting for a promotion, or investing in themselves, you probably have nothing to worry about.^{[7]
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- A loser may even lash out at you when you ask about their plans for their career, schooling, or passion projects (if they have any).

7

They flake on you.

If they’re always cancelling at the last minute, it’s a bad sign. Losers often don’t have a huge sense of personal responsibility, and this can translate to the way they treat plans. If your partner is struggling to show up to dates and appointments with any kind of reasonable consistency, it may be something worth paying attention to.^{[8]
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- Pay attention to the reason they cancel when they do. Something like, “My dog is sick,” is pretty reasonable. An excuse like, “I’m tired,” or, “I don’t feel like it,” isn’t.
- They may also be slightly dismissive or resistant to fun activities or trips you want to take.

8

They’re forgetful with key dates.

Losers usually aren’t organized enough to keep appointments. If they’ve ever no-showed to an event, fell asleep when they were supposed to call you, or just completely forgotten about a birthday, they might be a loser. Their forgetfulness is often a byproduct of their self-absorption mixed with their laziness. A good partner should be able to show up when you need them.^{[9]
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- They may act totally surprised when you ask them if they’re excited about dates, parties, or events you reminded them about multiple times.
- Losers won’t even be thoughtful enough to come up with a good excuse. If they consistently miss things and their excuses are just awful, it’s a big red flag.

9

They blame others for everything.

If they’re incapable of taking responsibility, they might be a loser. Most people are capable of owning up to mistakes and recognizing that they did something wrong. If you’re dating someone and you’ve never heard them say, “I’m sorry,” “I apologize,” or, “I screwed up,” it’s a bad sign.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.} Everyone makes mistakes, and that’s totally okay, but if it’s always someone else’s fault they’re probably not a great partner.^{[11]
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- They may give you fantastical and ridiculous explanations of how other people “have it out for them” when things don’t go their way.
- This isn’t to say that it’s a bad sign if they vent to you every once in a while about people who bother them. That’s totally normal behavior from someone you’re dating.

10

They’re emotionally unavailable.

Losers struggle to be honest enough with themselves to open up. Looking in the mirror is really hard if you know you aren’t living up to your potential. As a result, many losers will choose to simply not look. This can make them hard to connect with emotionally, and they may not be able to dig deep and express complex feelings.^{[12]
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- If your date is very open with the way they feel and they’re capable of articulating difficult or messy feelings, they’re probably comfortable with who they are, which is a very good sign that they aren’t a loser.

11

They talk trash about their exes.

Winners typically have enough respect to focus on the current relationship. Aside from the fact that it’s bad form to bring an ex up when you’re dating someone new, a decent partner should be focused on you—not whoever they used to date. If they keep bringing up their exes and talking trash when you haven’t even asked them in the first place, you might want to move on and find someone new.^{[13]
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- Unless they were cheated on or traumatized, a decent partner should either have no feelings at all about their ex, or say polite and friendly things when you ask them about their ex.

12

They aren’t well-liked by your friends and family.

If everyone around you is telling you to watch out, you probably should. Your friends and family care about you and only want what’s best. They also get to see your relationship from a neutral perspective. If there’s a consensus among friends and family that your date isn’t a particularly good person, you may want to entertain the possibility that they know what they’re talking about.^{[14]
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- Think about how much courage it takes to tell someone you don’t like their significant other. If your friends and family are speaking up about this person, it’s a worrisome sign.