How to Tell Your Parents That You Are Pregnant

Co-authored by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP

Last Updated: January 8, 2023 References

Telling your parents that you're pregnant can almost be as scary as being pregnant. Once you've learned the news, you may be feeling too overwhelmed to figure out a way to tell them, but if you follow these steps, you'll be on your way to having an open and honest conversation with your parents — and to figuring out what to do next.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Preparing for the Talk

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Figure out what you're going to say. It is very important that you communicate with your parents in an effective way. Though your parents will be overwhelmed by your news no matter what, you can ease the blow by sounding as articulate and mature as possible when you tell them. Here are some things to think about:
- Prepare your opening. Don't scare your parents by saying, "I have some really bad news." Instead, say, "I have something very difficult to tell you." You don't know exactly they are going to react until you tell them - try to avoid them jumping to conclusions from the get-go by saying you have a difficult situation to explain, not a bad situation.
- Prepare how you will explain the pregnancy. Do they know you're having sex, or even that you have a boyfriend?
- Prepare how you will share your feelings. Though you will feel upset and may find it difficult to communicate, you should hold off on the tears until the end of the conversation, when they will surely come. You should tell them that you're shocked, and that you are so sorry to have disappointed them (if that's the case), that you're going through the hardest time of your life and that you'd really like their support.
- Prepare to answer any questions. Your parents will have a lot of questions for you, so it's best to know what to say so you're not caught off guard. ^{[1]
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Anticipate how your parents will react. Once you've figured out how to best communicate how you feel and what you'll say, you need to start thinking about how your parents will respond.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Interview. 29 November 2021.}^{[3]
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Research source} This will depend on many factors, including how they have reacted to difficult news in the past, if your sexual activity will be a complete shock to them, and what their values are. Either way, it can help you to prepare a response to both a positive and a negative reaction.^{[4]
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Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Interview. 29 November 2021.} Here are some things to consider:
- Do they know you're sexually active? If you've been having sex for months, or even years, and they don't have the slightest clue, they will be more surprised than if they suspect, or even if they know, that you are having sex.
- What are their values? Are they liberal about premarital sex, or do they think you absolutely should not have sex until you are married, or close to being married?
- How have they reacted to bad news in the past? Though it's unlikely that you've delivered such dramatic news to them previously, you should consider how they've reacted to disappointing news in the past. How did they react when you told them you failed a class or dented their car?
- If your parents have a history of reacting violently, then you should not tell them alone. Find a trusted relative who is more open-minded to join you, or even bring your parents to your doctor or a school counselor to deliver the news.
- You can even practice having the conversation with a close friend or your partner. If you're pregnant, it's likely that you've told your best friend about it, and they may not only have some insight into how your parents will react, but they can also rehearse the conversation with you so you'll have a better sense of how your folks will react.^{[5]
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  Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
  Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
  Expert Interview. 29 November 2021.}^{[6]
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Pick the right time to have the conversation. Though it's important to deliver the news in a timely manner, it's also crucial to pick a good day and time so your parents are as receptive to the news as possible. Here are some things to consider:^{[7]
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- Don't be dramatic. If you say, "I have something incredibly important to tell you guys. When is a good time to talk?" then your parents will likely want to have the conversation right then and there, and you may not be prepared. Instead, try to be as calm as you can when you say, "There's something I want to talk to you about. When is a good time to talk?"
- Pick a time when your parents can give you their full attention. Pick a time when both of your parents are home and when they're not planning to go out for dinner, to pick up your brother from soccer practice, or to entertain friends later. They should ideally be free after the conversation, so they can take the time to let the news sink in.
- Pick a time when your parents are the least likely to be stressed. If your parents are usually very stressed or tired when they get back from work, wait until after dinner, when they've loosened up a bit, to have the conversation. If they seem to always be stressed during the week, talk to them on the weekend. A Saturday may work better than a Sunday, because by Sunday evening, they may already be worried about their work week.^{[8]
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- Pick a time that works for you. Though you should pick the best possible time for your parents, don't forget to factor in your own feelings. Pick a time when you're not too exhausted after a long week of school, and when you're not worried about a big exam the next day.
- If you want anyone else to be there, pick a time that works for that person too. If you want your significant other to be there, this is a very big decision and you should make sure that this will make the situation more comfortable instead of even more unpleasant.
- Don't delay the conversation for too long. Picking an optimal time will help the conversation go as smoothly as possible, but delaying the talk for weeks because everyone is too busy and stressed will only make things worse.

Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Breaking the News

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Tell them your news. This is the hardest part of the plan. Though you have prepared what you'll say and have anticipated their reaction, and though you have picked the best time to have the conversation, this will still be one of the toughest conversations of your life.
- Relax. Chances are that you've already played out the conversation in your head a thousand times. But what you need to realize is that you're predicting, most likely, is the Worst Case Scenario. Stop. You are 100 times more likely to get a better reaction from your parents than the ones you might be expecting. Relaxing will only make things easier.^{[9]
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- Make your parents feel comfortable. Though it's unlikely that you'll have small talk for a while, you can smile, ask them how they are, and reassure them with a pat on the hand before you tell them the news.
- Say, "I have something very difficult to tell you. I'm pregnant." Say it firmly and with as much strength as possible.^{[10]
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- Maintain eye contact and open body language. Look as approachable as you can when you tell them the news.^{[11]
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- Tell them how you're feeling. It's likely that they will be so shocked that they won't react right away. Tell them how you're feeling about the pregnancy. Remind them that this has been very tough for you.
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Take the time to listen. Now that you've told them your news, they will have a strong reaction. Whether they are angry, emotional, confused, hurt, or full of questions, they will need some time for the news to sink in. Take it slow and listen to their side of the story without interrupting.
- Reassure them. Though they are the adults, they have just received some big news, and you should try to stay strong for them.^{[12]
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- Answer their questions. If you're prepared, then you should be able to answer their questions as honestly and calmly as possible.
- Ask them how they feel. If they are shocked into silence, give them some time to gather their thoughts, and then ask them how they are feeling. If they won't share their feelings after you shared yours, it won't be easy to move the conversation forward.
- Don't get angry if they get angry. Remember, they just found out some life-changing news.^{[13]
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Discuss the next steps. Once your news is out in the open and you and your parents have discussed your feelings as well as their feelings, it will be time to figure out what to do about your pregnancy. If there is a difference of opinions, as there may well be, then this may be more difficult. Remember that you should feel relieved now that the news is out in the open and that you can work through it together.
- You may not be able to discuss the next steps immediately in the conversation. Your parents may need some time to cool down, and you may both need some time to get a hold of your emotions.
- If you're happy about your pregnancy, focus on that, regardless of how your parents feel.^{[14]
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  Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
  Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
  Expert Interview. 29 November 2021.}
- Remember that though this crisis is probably the toughest thing you have gone through, that you and your family will grow stronger by working out the problem together.^{[15]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How do I announce my pregnancy to my family?

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP

Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor

Expert Answer

Depending on family dynamics, it may be difficult to communicate to family members about the pregnancy, so it’s good to have a game plan in mind. Discuss it with your partner (or a close friend/family member if you are single) about who you want to share the news with, how and when. Then, move forward with your plan!
Question

How do I tell my parents I'm pregnant and scared?

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP

Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor

Expert Answer

If you think that your parents are not going to be excited about your pregnancy, it may be best for you to reflect on your own feelings about this before telling them. Having positive coping skills in place and a safe place to talk about it all is key. Therapy is always a great option!

Warnings

If your parents have a history of violent behavior, do not tell them the news by yourself. Take them to see your doctor or school counsellor.

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If you're not sure if your want to keep your child, try to have the conversation as soon as you can so you can decide what to do next. The longer you delay the conversation if you want to have an abortion, the greater your health risks will be.

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