How to Stop Thinking You Deserve Nothing

Co-authored by Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC

Last Updated: January 21, 2023 References

Sometimes feelings of low self-esteem can turn into the feeling that you don’t deserve anything good. It’s important to manage these thoughts and try to change them as soon as you notice them. If the feeling that you deserve nothing persists or becomes overwhelming, you may want to seek help from a trained mental health professional.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Changing Your Thinking

1
Figure out why you feel like you deserve nothing. Understanding the source of your feelings is the first step to making changes. Have you made a big life mistake? Do you feel like you are constantly making mistakes? Do you feel like there’s something in your past that you can’t let go of? Do you wish you were someone else? ^{[1]
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2
Remember that no one is perfect. Everyone has flaws, even when they seem perfect on the outside. Even you might appear perfect to others.

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3
Identify your automatic thoughts. Sometimes we think unexamined thoughts and allow them to shape our worldview. For example, you may think, “I don’t deserve this promotion, because I don’t work hard enough.” Work on noticing when you have thoughts like this.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 21 May 2021.}
4
Reexamine your automatic thoughts. Is it true that you don’t work hard enough to deserve a promotion? Can you think of some ways that you have been competent at your job lately? Ways you have gone above and beyond?
5
Adjust your thoughts. When you catch yourself thinking an automatic negative thought, try to turn it around. For example, when you catch yourself thinking you don’t deserve a promotion because you don’t work hard enough, say clearly and firmly to yourself, “I do deserve a promotion. I have been a faithful employee for five years. I met all of my target sales for the last six months.”

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Reducing Negative Energy

1
Try to spend less time around negative people. Does your older sister make you feel bad about your weight every time you see her? Is your dry cleaner constantly rude to you? You may not be able to entirely avoid these people, but try to reduce the amount of time you spend with them.
- If you feel that you are being verbally abused or bullied, consider reporting the perpetrator to the appropriate authorities. (For example, for cyber bullying, you may want to report a perpetrator to the website administrator. You may want to talk to your boss if a coworker is bullying you.)^{[3]
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  Trustworthy Source
  StopBullying.gov
  Website run by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services providing information related to identifying and preventing bullying
  Go to source}
2
Seek out people who make you feel good about yourself. This may mean that you have to consider hanging out with people you wouldn’t normally socialize with.
- Is there a woman at the gym who always says hello to you and asks how you are? Maybe she would like to go out for a cup of coffee.
- Do the people in your Sunday school class make you feel very welcome every week? Perhaps you could organize a get-together for this group of people outside of church.
- Is there a coworker who always tells interesting stories? Consider inviting him to eat lunch with you in the breakroom or go out for a walk.
3
Reduce the time you spend on social media. Are you spending a lot of time on social media comparing yourself to other people? People tend to present an idealized version of themselves on the internet, so if you are comparing your life to the life of your Facebook friends, you may not be getting an accurate picture. ^{[4]
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4
Spend more time in places that make you happy. Is there an interesting museum, a beautiful library, a cozy coffee shop, or a sunny park that you can frequent? Try changing your surroundings to bring positive energy into your life.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Changing Your Behavior

1
Say one positive thing about yourself every morning. You can say it out loud or in your head. It’s okay if you say the same thing more than once. You may not be able to think of a different thing every day, especially in the early stages of this process. Odds are, once you start feeling more positively toward yourself, you will find more and more positive things to say.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 21 May 2021.}
2
Volunteer. Particularly if you are dissatisfied with your work and personal life, it is important to feel as though you are helping others. Studies have shown that the feeling that you are making a difference can go a long way toward improving your overall happiness and self-worth.^{[6]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} Be sure to consider a volunteer activity that you will be successful at. ^{[7]
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- If you’re good with children, consider tutoring.
- If you’re organized and efficient, consider working at a food pantry or a thrift store that donates its proceeds to charity.
- If you’re handy with tools, consider an organization like Habitat for Humanity.
3
Accomplish small goals. Achieving small milestones every day makes you feel repeatedly victorious and boosts your feelings of self-worth.^{[8]
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- For example, “I want to lose 20 pounds before bathing suit season” may not be a realistic goal, and it may set you up to feel like a failure if you don’t achieve it.
- On the other hand, “I want to eat a sugar-free breakfast every day this week” is more realistic, and if you can stick to this goal, it will provide you a daily opportunity to feel successful.
4
Find reasons to laugh. Laughter releases “feel good” chemicals called endorphins. Laughing more often can improve your overall feelings of well-being. Moreover, looking at a situation with humor can help it seem less threatening and overwhelming.^{[9]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} Try
- watching stand-up comedy on tv or in a club,
- watching a sitcom that you grew up with,
- going to a laughter yoga class,
- reading a joke book,
- playing with small kids or pets, or
- going to a game night at a local coffee shop (with raucous games like Taboo, Cranium, or Catchphrase).
- You can even simulate the feeling of laughter by holding a pencil between your teeth for about ten minutes. Your body will respond to the feelings in your muscles, and your mood will be slightly elevated.^{[10]
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  Research source}
5
Exercise. Physical exercise has a positive impact on overall mental health and feelings of self-worth. Low to moderate impact exercise (such as doing yoga, taking walks, or raking leaves) tends to have the greatest effect. ^{[11]
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- If you can’t make time to go to the gym, work on adding movement to your everyday life. Close the door to your office and do ten jumping jacks once every hour. Park at the far end of the parking lot. Take the stairs. Eat your lunch while you take a walk.
6
Eat a healthy diet. Physical health is often connected to feelings of self-worth. Additionally, vitamins, minerals, and good fats can elevate your mood.
- Reduce foods high in sugar, caffeine, and alcohol.
- Eat foods high in omega-3 fatty acids, such as salmon, mackerel, or trout to improve mood.
- Try foods rich in vitamin D, including eggs and yogurt, to increase serotonin (a mood stabilizer) in your brain.
- Increase your vitamin B intake by eating spinach, broccoli, meat, eggs, and dairy products to improve your energy.^{[12]
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7
Get enough rest. Sleep has an enormous effect on your overall mental and emotional health. A good night’s sleep can change your whole outlook on the world. For higher quality sleep, try to
- Go to bed and get up at the same time every day. This will help you establish a rhythm that your body can follow consistently every day.
- Only nap when absolutely necessary. Stick with 15-20 minutes at a time so that you don’t have a hard time falling asleep at night.
- Avoid screens of any sort (television, phone, laptop, etc.) for two hours before bedtime. ^{[13]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Cleveland Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}
8
Pray. If you are a spiritual person, prayer may be just what you need to feel better about your life. Praying in a community (such as in your church or temple) could make you feel part of something larger and decrease your feelings of worthlessness. Even praying solo can make you feel that you are not alone.

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Getting Help

1
Get support from friends and family. It is important to understand that you are not alone in your struggle. For some people, a caring friend or family member can provide all the support you need to get you through the feeling that you deserve nothing.
2
Ask for compliments from people you respect. Recent studies have found that people whose friends gave them compliments before completing a task performed better than people who did not receive compliments. “Fishing” for compliments is okay! Your friends and family can help remind you that you deserve the best life has to offer. ^{[14]
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3
Talk to your general practitioner. It’s possible that some element of your health is causing you to feel low self-worth. Your doctor can help you make decisions about taking supplements or developing an exercise regimen, or they can refer you to a specialist.
4
Find a support group. You are not the only person who feels as if they deserve nothing. Seek out a support group online or in your local community. Try
- http://online.supportgroups.com/
- http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/find-support-groups
5
Consider a therapist. Some of the many signs that you may want to seek professional therapy include
- having emotions that are frequently overwhelming,
- living through a severe trauma,
- having frequent stomach or headaches, or other unexplained illnesses, and
- strained relationships.
6
Recognize depression. If the feeling that you deserve nothing persists for a long time, you may be clinically depressed. Depression is different from sadness; it involves long term feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness.^{[15]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} Some signs that you might be depressed and should seek counseling include
- losing interest in things and people you used to enjoy,
- long term lethargy,
- a drastic change in appetite and sleep,
- inability to concentrate,
- a drastic change in mood (especially increased irritability),
- an inability to concentrate,
- long term negative thoughts that won’t stop,
- increased substance abuse,
- aches and pains that you can’t explain,
- self-loathing, or the feeling that you are completely worthless.

Warnings

Seek help from a trained professional if the feeling that you deserve nothing persists for weeks or if you start to feel overwhelmed by this feeling.

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If the feeling that you deserve nothing becomes a feeling that you do not deserve to live, seek help immediately. Tell a friend, family member, or mental health professional, call or text the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988, or visit Suicide.org.

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