How to Stop Fighting with a Stubborn Parent

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: February 19, 2023 References

Fighting is never fun. It is even less fun being in conflict with those you love. Arguments between you and your parents may seem as inevitable as the passing of time but there are in fact ways to reduce conflict, even with the stubbornest of parents.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Resolving a Fight

1
Assess the reason for the stubbornness. Ask your parent about the reason for the stubbornness. Be sure to ask in a polite manner. You could try saying something like "I think I would be much less upset if you could let me know your side of the story. Why is it that you are saying no to this?"
- If this causes your parent to become angry, consider letting it go and moving on or trying again once your parent as calmed down.
2
Apologize. Sometimes it just isn't worth fighting even if you think you're right. If you assess that this is the case, then try apologizing. You don't have to lie and be sorry for disagreeing with your parent's opinion (which might well be legitimate), but you can still sincerely apologize for fighting with your parent. There are a number of ways to apologize^{[1]
X
Research source}:
- I was angry and I shouldn't have called you that bad name, I'm sorry if I hurt you."
- I wasn't thinking about things from your perspective, I'm sorry for fighting with you."
- I'm really sorry about saying that mean thing."
Advertisement
3
Take slow deep breaths. If you are in the middle of a fight and want it to end, try to slow down the tempo of the situation and your own reaction to it. You can do this by taking some deep breaths.
- Breathe in through your nose, counting to five, hold for two seconds and then exhale through your mouth.^{[2]
  X
  Research source}
4
Excuse yourself. One way to end a fight is to leave the situation. Let both tempers dissipate by taking some time away from each other. Be sure to be polite when you excuse yourself from the conversation or it may backfire and escalate the fight.
- For example, you could say "I think we will just keep fighting if I stay here, I'll have to excuse myself, let's try talking again later, please, once I'm more calmed down."^{[3]
  X
  Research source}
- Avoid putting the blame on your stubborn parent or this may just cause him to dig his feet in more firmly as a defensive reaction to your accusations.
5
Remain level-headed. A stubborn parent in a fight is more likely to be calmed down if you yourself remain calm. You will be more likely to end the fight if you stay cool headed rather than getting stubborn and upset yourself.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- Although it can be difficult to remain level-headed in a fight when you are likely upset, try your best. It may help if you don't fight on an empty stomach, when you are already feeling crummy and may have less self-control.^{[5]
  X
  Research source}

Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Reducing Conflict Before it Starts

1
Approach your parent at a good time. Sometimes when you try to approach a touchy subject, odds are you're not going to get the answer you'd like. Ask them or bring up the problem at a time they're in their best mood and you will be most likely to get the response you are looking for.
- Try to get a sense of when your parent is most likely to be in the best mood. Is it in the morning or at night? Is it on the weekend? Is it when the sun is out?
2
Spend time with your parents. Do some activities together or ask your parent how the day went. It is easy to forget to spend time with your parents, which can reduce your bond, and might in turn make conflict more. There are a number of activities you could participate in together:
- Take your dog for a walk.
- Play video games together.
- Watch a movie together.
- Play a board game together.
- Go shopping together.
3
Show your love. Walk up to your parent and give a big hug. Tell your parent how much you care. Although telling your parent is important, you can do more than that by demonstrating your love:
- Mow the lawn.
- Do the dishes.
- Wash your parent's car.
- Write a letter or thank you card.
- Cook a meal for your parent.
4
Be open with your parents. Tell your parents how you feel and update them about your life. In doing so you they may be more likely to see things from your perspective, which might make them less stubborn.
- You could tell you parents about your day at school or work.
- You could tell them about something you are excited for and why.
- You could talk about things in your life that you are worried about.
5
Avoid loafing. No one likes it when a relationship seems unfair and unbalanced. Although it is true that the relationship between you and your parents is unbalanced in that they are supposed to do more things for you (i.e., raise you and provide for you up to a certain age) than you are for them, this doesn't mean that you should sit around and do nothing or not help out when you can! If your parents see you working hard they might be more likely to not be so stubborn, which will lead to less fighting.
- Be sure to keep your room clean.
- Be sure to do the chores that are assigned to you.
- Try not to make too many messes, or clean up after yourself if you do.
- Work hard in school or at your job.
6
Vent your feelings to a friend. Talk to a close friend about how your parent makes you feel. She may be able to offer advice or will, at the very least, be able to offer social/moral support.
- You may find that by blowing off steam with a friend, you are less combative or likely to fight with your stubborn parent.
7
Try to avoid trigger topics. If you know that there are some topics that your parent never backs down on, such as whether you can borrow his car, try your best to avoid this.
- Think about what other options you have. Maybe you could take a bus or a taxi or ask a friend to drive.
8
Take your parent's perspective. Maybe there's a reason that he or she keeps saying no. Try to put yourself in your parent's shoes and consider why your parent might be acting stubborn.
- Try to remember that in most cases, even if it seems like your parents are misguided, they are probably trying to protect you. At the very least, even if you think they are being stubborn, you can appreciate that they care.