How to Stop Expecting Too Much from My Boyfriend

Co-authored by Liana Georgoulis, PsyD and Hunter Rising

Last Updated: June 27, 2022 References

You want your boyfriend to be the perfect partner, but how do you know if you're expecting too much from him? When one person asks for too much in a relationship, it can put pressure on the other person and create a conflict that you can easily avoid. If you’re worried that your expectations are too high, the good news is you can lower them while still standing up for what you deserve. Keep reading for helpful advice on recognizing when your expectations are too high and examples of how you can manage them.

Section 1 of 3:

Signs You’re Expecting Too Much from Your Boyfriend

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You expect your boyfriend to know how you’re feeling without telling him. Your boyfriend isn’t able to read your mind, so he won’t know what you need or how you feel unless you tell him. He might not catch on to subtle signs and cues you’re giving him, so he may not act or respond how you want him to.^{[1]
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- A glance in his direction or a slight change in expression might not be enough for him to catch on.
- He may not recognize how you’re feeling if you say something like, “I’m fine.”
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You expect your boyfriend to take care of you. While your boyfriend should be affectionate and caring, you shouldn’t rely on him for everything you need.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.} If you feel like it’s your boyfriend’s responsibility to set aside what he’s doing to help you feel better, then it could start making him feel like he can’t do anything for himself.^{[3]
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- Asking for help every now and then is fine, but expecting your boyfriend to do things like always cleaning up after you or buying every gift you want can be too much.
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3
You think your boyfriend should spend most of his time with you. Having time together is important for a healthy couple, but your boyfriend should maintain his relationships with his friends and family. If you’re the only one that he spends time with, it could make you both feel like you’ve lost your individual identity.^{[4]
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- It would be unfair to ask your boyfriend to give up plans that he’s already made with other people just to be with you.
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You base your expectations on the past rather than the present. You get relationship expectations from what you’ve experienced in the past, which could be from your family growing up or from your exes. Your boyfriend is a different person than the other people in your life, so expecting him to act like the people from your past relationships is asking too much of him.^{[5]
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- If you had an ex that always hugged you right when he got home and your current boyfriend doesn’t do that, it’s unfair to compare them.
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You obsess over your boyfriend’s mistakes. Mistakes are a part of everyday life, so it’s okay if your boyfriend isn’t always perfect. If he feels like he can’t slip up, it might put a lot more pressure on him.^{[6]
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Your boyfriend closes himself off from you. If your boyfriend feels like he keeps missing your expectations, he’ll feel upset and might make himself more unavailable so he doesn’t disappoint you. He won’t want to talk about his feelings or the things he’s gotten done because he may worry that it won’t be good enough.^{[7]
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- You may notice him speaking up less or mentioning that he’s busy when you ask him to hang out if he feels like he’s missing the mark.
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You think your boyfriend should change completely. While you can help your boyfriend make small changes in his life, you shouldn’t try to control who he is at his core. Your boyfriend is a unique person with his own values and interests, so you can’t make him change his entire personality.^{[8]
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- If you like to go out with friends to have fun but your boyfriend is introverted and prefers a night in, it’s not fair to expect him to come with you all the time.

Section 2 of 3:

Examples of Healthy Expectations in a Relationship

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Respect Your boyfriend should still treat you well and admire what you’re good at. He can still get into disagreements with you, but it’s okay to expect that he talks about it calmly so you’re both receptive to it. He should view things from your perspective and respect any boundaries that you set for him.^{[9]
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Honesty Openness lets you build trust in your relationship, so you should expect your boyfriend to be honest about how he’s feeling. You can expect him to tell you the truth when you ask him about things so you can continue building a strong and healthy relationship.^{[10]
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Communication Your boyfriend should talk about his wants, fears, and needs since that’s the foundation for a healthy relationship. While you can’t expect him to always be the one to start the conversation, he should still try to initiate deep conversations about your relationship from time to time.^{[11]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
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Support You can expect him to cheer you on and be there for you, whether that’s in person or in spirit. How he shows his support depends on what you need, so you might expect an encouraging text, a big hug, or a helping hand when he isn’t busy.^{[12]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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Spending time together While he can’t give you all of his time, you can expect your boyfriend to regularly make time to spend with you. You should feel emotionally fulfilled that he’s enjoying spending time with you no matter how long you have together.^{[13]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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Affection Your boyfriend should express how he feels about you, but he may show it physically, verbally, or both. While you can’t expect him to do the most romantic or affectionate thing all the time, he should at least put in regular effort to make you feel loved.^{[14]
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Section 3 of 3:

How to Manage Unhealthy Expectations in a Relationship

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Ask your boyfriend how he feels about your expectations. Wait until a time where you’re both calm and stress-free so you’re both receptive to the conversation.^{[15]
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Expert Source

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.} Sit down and ask if he’s having trouble keeping up with your expectations and how they make him feel.^{[16]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} Listen to what he has to say without interrupting or judging him so you can get his honest opinion.^{[17]
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Expert Source

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.}
- “I’ve been thinking about the expectations I’ve had for you recently, and I just want to know how you’re feeling about them.”
- “Do you have a minute to chat? I’m worried that I’m asking you to do a lot for me recently. How do you feel about it?
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Communicate what you need clearly. Your boyfriend can’t read your mind, so it’s important to talk about what you expect from him. Use “I” statements to talk about how you’re feeling so it doesn’t seem like you’re blaming him for anything. Try to be as specific as you can about your expectations so your boyfriend doesn’t have to guess what you want.^{[18]
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Christina Stathopoulos, PCC, ACCC
Certified Leadership & Life Coach
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.}
- “I feel lonely when you go out with your friends when I expect you to ask if I’m available first.”
- “I feel ignored when you close yourself off, so I would like it if you could open up about how you’re feeling more when we’re talking.”
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Compromise on expectations that work for both of you. After you talk about your expectations, listen to your boyfriend’s input to see if they work for him. If he disagrees, think of a solution together that will make you both feel satisfied. Be flexible with your boyfriend so he sees that you’re willing to work with him.^{[19]
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Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
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- It’s unrealistic to expect your boyfriend to text you back immediately after you send a message because he could be busy. A better expectation is asking him to reply within the day.
- You can’t expect your boyfriend to give up his friends to be with you every time. Instead, you might compromise and spend a few days or nights together each week so he has time to see his friends and family as well.
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Notice the work your boyfriend already does. You might take your boyfriend meeting your expectations for granted and not recognize the work that he’s actually put in. Pay attention to how your boyfriend acts around you and the little things he does that you normally don’t notice. You may see that he does a lot more than you originally thought.^{[20]
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Give your boyfriend credit for the expectations he meets. When your boyfriend meets or exceeds your expectations, let him know how much you appreciate him. Give him a compliment so he feels like you’re recognizing his efforts and to help reinforce the expectations in the future.^{[21]
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- “Thanks for spending time with me. You’ve really made my night.”
- “I really appreciate you telling me that. I know it wasn’t easy to open up, and it means the world to me.”
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Make adjustments to your expectations when he doesn't meet them. Rather than dwelling on mistakes that he’s made, reevaluate your expectations to make sure they’re still not too high. Mention a way that you’ll do better at communicating your expectation next time and ask him if that seems like a good solution for you both.^{[22]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- “No worries, I must have miscommunicated when we were getting together. Next time, I’ll check our calendars.”
- “I think we both felt a little off when we had that conversation this weekend. In the future, I’ll ask if we’re ready to talk before we get into it.”
- “I’m sorry I was a little pushy this weekend when we were talking, and I was expecting too much. I’ll readjust for next time.”
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Get involved in your own interests to refocus your energy. You may have high expectations for your boyfriend if you’re only focused on your relationship. Carve out some time for your hobbies and other friendships so you can get a little bit of distance from your boyfriend. When you’re confident and feel like your best self, you’ll put less pressure on other people to make you happy.^{[23]
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