How to Stop Comparing Dates to Your Ex

Co-authored by Laura Bilotta

Last Updated: November 19, 2021 References

You’ve found someone new, but no matter how great they are, you can’t stop comparing them to your ex. Whether your old relationship ended months or years ago, it’s time to move on and give someone else a shot at your heart. You can give new prospects a chance by adjusting your attitude to stop comparing your new dates to your ex. If that’s too difficult, you can always try reminding yourself of all of your ex’s worst qualities. If you want more advice on how to improve your dating life and forget about the guys and gals of the past, you’re in the right place!

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Embracing New Relationships

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Release expectations. One of the reasons you might keep comparing new dates to your ex is because you’re worried about committing to them. Although a long-term, healthy relationship may be your ultimate goal, you might be missing out on opportunities because of this pressure. Just date for the sake of dating without questioning where it might go.^{[1]
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2
Give it time. Are you immediately judging new dates without really giving them a chance? In some situations, it may take several dates to discover attractive qualities or quirks about a new person that you don’t see at first. Set a timeframe before you start pre-judging new dates.
- Let’s say you give them a three-date minimum before deciding if they are worth continuing to see. That way, you don’t cross anyone off your list because they don’t come off as perfect on the first date.
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3
Try to find unique qualities in the new person. Challenge yourself to dig a little deeper and search for traits this person has that are appealing to you (that have nothing to do with your ex).^{[2]
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Expert Source

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 7 July 2020.} You may be conditioned to immediately start tearing down a person, noticing all of their flaws. Instead, check off all the things you do like. You may find that these qualities outweigh those you don’t.^{[3]
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- Purposefully look for qualities that you like in this person. For example, maybe a new date has an adorable laugh, gets really passionate when talking about animals, and has a great sense of style.
4
Change up your “type.” Odds are, if you are comparing new dates to your ex that you are actually searching for that person in a new suitor. Switch it up a bit and go on a few dates with people who are drastically different from your ex. This will help you see that you may have gotten stuck in a type. It may also help you to see that many dates can offer promising traits without being like your ex.^{[4]
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- For example, if your ex was a serious business professional, it may be nice to date someone who is more relaxed and fun in their work, such as an artist or video game developer. Or, your ex may spend their free time screening films indoors, so you date a new person who mostly enjoys outdoor activities.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Getting Over the Ex

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Get rid of things that make you remember the relationship. It’s no wonder you’re holding on to the past—memories of your ex are all around you. If you’re still holding on to mementos, looking at old photographs, or visiting their favorite restaurant with the hope of an “accidental” meeting, you need to stop. The only way you can move on is by putting this person in your past.^{[5]
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- Go through any mementos to decide if you really need to keep these items. Box up those you can’t bear to give away and donate or trash the rest.
- Stop going to places hoping to bump into your ex.
2
Write a letter to the ex. Maybe you can’t stop comparing because you haven’t quite cleared this person from your conscience. You can “let go” by writing them a letter to say all the things you never got around to saying. Don’t mail the letter, though. Read it aloud and then rip it to shreds.^{[6]
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3
Stop ruminating. If your thoughts sound like a non-stop reel of “woulda, shoulda, coulda” you may be stuck in the past. It’s impossible to move on and really fall for a new person if you’re still examining everything that went wrong in a previous relationship.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 7 July 2020.}
- Slide a rubber band onto your wrist and snap it each time you catch yourself dwelling on the past relationship.
- You can also try distracting yourself with another activity like reading, watching a TV show, or calling a friend.
- Another way to reduce the amount of time you spend ruminating is by scheduling sessions to do this. Dedicate 15 minutes to thinking about the ex. Then, in a few days, reduce the window to 10 minutes. Then, five.
4
Learn to be kind and compassionate towards yourself. Focus on yourself, instead of your ex or your new dates, and remember to love yourself. Start to separate that core of self-love from the past feelings you had for your ex. Remind yourself that although you’re leaving those feelings for your ex behind, you are still capable and worthy of love, especially from yourself.
5
Take a break from dating. Although this may be hard to hear, you may be falling prey to comparisons because it’s too soon for you to start dating again. Give yourself time to grieve the loss of your relationship. Allow those emotional wounds to heal before starting something new. That way, you’ll be able to begin a new relationship with objectivity and you’ll be much less likely to fall for an unhealthy partner.^{[8]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Stopping Romanticizing the Ex

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Recall the ex’s faults. Your memory may have softened some the negative characteristics of your ex. For instance, they aren’t around constantly leaving the toilet seat up or forgetting to let the dog out. Without them there to remind you of their less-than-perfect habits, you may have started to idealize everything about them.^{[9]
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Research source}Think about incompatibilities in the relationship.
- Put your ex back on a realistic playing field by bringing to mind some of their faults. Make a list of these faults and keep it handy to review whenever you find yourself comparing.
2
Think about incompatibilities in the relationship. Chances are, if your old relationship ended, there were some issues you and this other person didn't quite click. Maybe you had different ideas about spending money or perhaps they had no intention of ever getting married.
- Remind yourself of these key incompatibilities if you notice yourself glorifying the old relationship.
3
Relive the breakup. Once the initial breakup passes, you may have repressed this part of the relationship and are only remembering the good times. Freshen your memory by recalling what happened that caused this relationship to end.
- Did the other person cheat? Maybe they dumped you at a special event or on a special occasion like your birthday. Or, they may have even left a note or sent a text message to tell you the relationship was over.

Expert Q&A

Question

Why do I keep comparing my date to my ex?

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Laura Bilotta is a Dating Coach, Matchmaker, and the Founder of Single in the City, her dating and relationship coaching service based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. With over 18 years of experience, she focuses on helping singles date more intentionally, encouraging them to let go of negative patterns so that they can attract the love that they deserve. Her experience, skills, and insights have led to thousands of successfully united over 65,000 singles through events and one-on-one matchmaking coaching sessions. She has been the host of The Dating and Relationship Show on Global News Radio 640 Toronto (AM640) for 6 years and is known as The Hookup Queen of Clubhouse; her popular singles club, Single in the City, has over 95.5K members who regularly join in weekly dating and relationship-focused rooms.

Laura Bilotta

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

You may still be feeling some hurt from your last relationship. Work on resolving these past wounds and you'll find it's easier to stay positive and enjoy dating again.