How to Stay in Contact with Judgmental Family As an Adult

Co-authored by Chloe Carmichael, PhD

Last Updated: June 12, 2021 References

Dealing with a judgmental person is difficult enough, but when that person is a family member, it can make things even worse. You love your relative, but the criticism you receive from them is often too much to handle. You want to stay in contact, but you also don't want to get hurt in the process. You may be able to accomplish both of these goals by dealing with your feelings, talking with your relatives, and doing what you can to protect yourself.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Talking With Your Relatives

1
Respond diplomatically. When your relative begins to talk about what they don't like about you, try not to react defensively. Getting upset with them will only add fuel to the fire and make the situation worse. Instead, stay calm and end the conversation respectfully.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 14 July 2020.}
- For instance, if the relative says something rude about your love life, say “I am happy with how it's going, but thank you,” and then walk away. Ending the conversation by acknowledging what they've said, but leaving in a polite way, may prevent any hard feelings and may even stop the relative from bringing the topic up again.^{[2]
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2
Know when to let it go. Striking back may be your first instinct, but take a look at the bigger picture before you respond. Ask yourself if fighting back is worth the time, emotional energy, and backlash you may receive. You don't have to react to everything that is said; it may be wise to save your strength to fight back against something that really matters to you.^{[3]
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3
Change the topic if the conversation is not going well. You may not be able to get a judgmental or critical person to see outside of their own point of view, but it is possible. In some cases, it is better to just change the topic because attempting to explain yourself or change the way they feel may leave you defeated and depleted. Pay attention to how the conversation is going and redirect the conversation if things start to get rocky.
- For example, if your family doesn't agree with the way you raise your children and you can tell the conversation is beginning to head that way, then you have the option to shut it down immediately. Instead of discussing what they have said to you, ask them a question about something they will enjoy talking about. This can get them off of your back and help the conversation to become positive.^{[4]
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4
Find the humor. Laughter is the best medicine and can prove to be extremely helpful in this situation. The next time your family member berates you, find the humor in how their opinion is so wrong and so off-base from reality. Simply smile, shake your head and laugh knowing that what they say isn't true and is actually quite comical.^{[5]
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Association for Psychological Science
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Go to source} However, make sure not to do this in their presence because this could offend the person.
5
Practice compassion. Although it may sound counterintuitive to show compassion to someone who is negative towards you, it may make both of you feel better. Take a look at their lives and you may understand why they are the way they are, which may ultimately make you feel sorry for them. Showing them a little kindness may spark something inside of them, which can help your relationship improve.
- Even when they are being mean, try to say something nice to them. Just saying “hi” when your interaction is usually limited can make a huge difference. Buy them a present, take them out to lunch or even send a nice card or flowers. Making the effort to rise above the situation and acknowledging that you are still human and family may be just what the critical person needs to become happy and find peace.^{[6]
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6
Set boundaries.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 14 July 2020.} Families are often so immersed in each other's lives that it is easy to cross the line. Setting up boundaries, however, can prevent them from becoming too involved and potentially hurtful. Instilling rules for them—and yourself—and then sticking to them is extremely important in keeping negativity out of your life.
- Tell your family members what they are and aren't allowed to talk to you about.^{[8]
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  Chloe Carmichael, PhD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 14 July 2020.} For instance, if the subject of your ex-spouse is off limits, let them know in a kind way. You could say, “I appreciate you looking out for me when it comes to my ex, but I don't want to talk about it and won't.”
- Don't waver or give in even just once, because doing so creates an invitation for them to break through the barriers that you worked so hard to hold up.^{[9]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Managing Your Contact

1
Plan visits when you're in good spirits. If being around your family for even a short time tends to bring out the worst in all of you, it can help to be sure you visit when you are in a bright mood. Seeing them when you're already feeling down or angry will only heighten the negative energy.
- Avoid visits when you are extremely tired or fatigued as you are more likely to succumb to provocations and end up insulting or arguing with judgmental family. Also, avoid seeing your family when you are sad, angry, or disappointed. These are all times when visiting will simply make matters worse.
2
Arrange alternative accommodations. You can manage your visits with judgmental family by not staying at the home front. Instead of bunking with relatives, stay with a close friend in the area or splurge on a hotel room if you can afford it.
- Just knowing that you can "escape" to a blissful place after a family visit can help you stomach your aunt's judgmental questions about your dating life. Plus, limiting your time with alternate accommodations gives you moments to relieve tension in between stressful visits.^{[10]
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3
Bring a source of support. Sometimes, having a familiar, smiling face to serve as a buffer can help you get through meetings with toxic family. If you have a partner, coworker, or friend who is available, ask them to join you for the trip. This gives you added motive to arrange extra accommodations. It also gives you someone level-headed to talk or vent to when you've had enough.
- Offer to foot the bill on the hotel or buy a lunch in exchange for their company. Your friend will likely appreciate the free trip and be glad for the invite.
4
Limit contact, if all else fails. Although you want to maintain contact with your family, doing so just may not be healthy for you. Keeping away, even for the time being, may be just what you both need to gain perspective and realize that the criticism isn't worth it. You can always become close again if you feel comfortable with it.
- Begin distancing yourself by reducing the amount of phone calls, texts and emails you engage in. When you do talk, keep things brief and impersonal. Although this may be difficult, you could find that the other person takes the hint and changes their ways. If not, you will likely find that your life becomes better without all of the criticism.^{[11]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Dealing With Your Feelings

1
Address why it hurts so much. Having a conversation with a judgmental family member can cut you to the core. Take this opportunity to figure out why it does. Examining the cause of your feelings may help you to deal with issues and emotions you didn't know you had.
- When you're reeling with hurt, ask yourself, “Why does what this person said bother me so much? Do I think it's true? Do I value their opinion that much?” Once you take the time to examine the reason for the hurt, you may be able to let go of it and move on.^{[12]
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2
Find the positive in their negative. Perhaps hearing what a judgmental relative has to say bothers you so much because you know there is a grain of truth in what they have to say. Or maybe you realized you value their opinion much more than you originally thought you did. Whatever the reason, use this is a chance to better yourself.
- For instance, if your relative tends to point out a character flaw you often exhibit, take time to work on that flaw and change it for the better. If what they say hurts so much because you care about what they think of you, maybe it's time to reevaluate the relationship and what you see in that person.
- Perhaps you'll find that they aren't who you thought they were and you'll learn that their opinion isn't as valuable as you once thought, which may make things easier on you.^{[13]
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3
Tell yourself not to take it personally. Critical people are often the way they are because they are unhappy with themselves. As such, they take their hurt out on others. After you receive a lashing from your relative because they have an issue with something you do, simply remind yourself that it's not you, it's them.
- After you talk to the person, tell yourself, “The way they just spoke to me wasn't appropriate, but I don't have to take it personally. What they said isn't true and they are simply unhappy with themselves, so they took it out on me. Don't get down about it.” Having this little pep talk may prevent you from becoming upset and can help you to look at the bigger picture.^{[14]
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4
Consider individual or family counseling. If unresolved issues between you and family members are significantly impacting your life, it may be practical to talk to a professional. You can do this alone if you simply want to get closure about an estranged relationship, or if your family isn't willing to work on the relationship. If they are willing to attend counseling, going as a group can help improve your communication with one another.^{[15]
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Mayo Clinic
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Expert Q&A

Question

How can I deal with a family member who stresses me out?

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”

Chloe Carmichael, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Respectfully let them know what subjects stress you out that you'd prefer not to talk about.