How to Start a Conversation at School

Co-authored by Katie Styzek

Last Updated: November 28, 2022 References

One way to become friends with someone is to simply start a conversation, but sometimes it can be hard to know what to say to get things started. Learning to start a conversation while you're in school is a valuable skill that you can take with you for the rest of your life.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Finding Common Ground

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Decide with whom you'd like to start a conversation. If you are new or simply haven't made friends, you can strategize a bit when deciding who to start the first conversation with.
- Keep in mind that if you hit it off, this person will likely introduce you to their friends, and then that group has the potential to become your group of friends, too. Is there a group of people who seem particularly welcoming, friendly, and relatable to you? Perhaps there are people who seem to share your personality traits, values, and hobbies? It might be a good idea to start there.
- Consider what person you want to reach out to first. Ideally, it makes sense to choose someone who seems friendly, open, and not snobbish or close-minded. You might also choose to talk to someone who has a lot of traits you admire, or someone you are attracted to.
2
Note where you see them the most. The first time you talk to someone, you should choose a casual, low-pressure environment where you can make small talk without getting in trouble with your teacher. But your choice will be affected by where you see the person you want to talk to.
- Do you have any classes together, and if so, do you sit near them? Or do you pass them in the hallway often? Perhaps you see them at lunch or recess, on the bus, or while walking across campus.
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3
Start small. You don't need to get to know someone's life story in the first conversation. There is absolutely no pressure-- just say "hi" and smile.^{[1]
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Research source} Doing so sends the message that you are friendly, open, and warm and that you'd be open to more conversation.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Katie Styzek
Professional School Counselor
Expert Interview. 26 March 2021.}
- Make a goal to start small with a nod of acknowledgment or a smile on the first day, "hi" or "hello" on the second day, "how are you?" on the third day, etc. until you have built up to a full conversation. This is a great way to gradually feel out whether the person is interested in more conversation.
- In other words, if they are rude or gruff when you smile at them the first day, they're probably not the best person to try to develop a further relationship with anyway.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Choosing Conversation Topics

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Start with the obvious. Since you go to school together, there are already many topics you likely have in common that you can discuss.
- One strategy to try when you first speak to them is to ask them a question about something that you have in common, like a class, bus route, or lunch period. For example, you might ask, "Hey ___, what was the homework in English yesterday?" Most likely they will answer you. If you have classes in common, some ideas of topics to ask about include:
  - Homework
  - Upcoming quizzes/tests
  - In-class assignments (such as notes)
  - Teachers (but avoid being too negative, as you might come off as critical or mean)
  - Grades (be careful not to seem like you are bragging or comparing yourself to the person in question)
- You can also ask them about other things you know you have in common because of where you live, like your town, the local mall, the weather, or local sports teams.
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Talk about hobby classes or electives. These might include band, chorus, orchestra, drama, shop, etc.^{[3]
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Research source}
- For instance, if you have noticed that the person you want to talk to is a cheerleader, you might ask if they enjoy it, how many hours they have to practice, etc. If it's true, you might say that you've thought about being a cheerleader, and ask how hard it is to get started.
- If they are in theater, you could ask what play they are working on, or what their favorite role has been to date.
3
Know what topics to avoid. There are certain things you should not bring up in conversation early in a friendship because they might make you seem unsafe or unfriendly and cause the person to avoid developing a further relationship with you. For example:^{[4]
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Research source}
- Don't say anything that could come across as harassment, like comments about the person's body, race, or religion. Even if you think you are complimenting the person, it might be perceived as creepy or insensitive.
- Don't gossip! It can be tempting to talk bad about other students or teachers in order to make yourself look good, but you have no way of knowing how this person feels about those other students or teachers, and you risk sounding like a jerk.
- Avoid topics that are known as controversial, like politics, religion, or any hot-button issues in your city. Unless these issues would make or break your decision to be friends with this person and you want to get the issue settled from the start, it's not worth offending someone's opinions or forcing someone to talk about something they'd rather not.
- Recognize that not everyone wants to talk about every topic. There could be a number of reasons why a person might be hesitant to talk about any given topic-- you might mention family not knowing that they have a rough home life, or you might mention your favorite restaurant not knowing that they struggle with eating disorders. This doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about these topics; you should just be sensitive if they try to change the subject.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Building Your Confidence and Conversation Skills

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Don't feel bad for being an introvert. If you have trouble starting conversations without guidance, its likely that you are an introverted person. That just means that social interactions can be mentally exhausting for you, and sometimes feels more like hard work than fun.^{[5]
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Research source}
- With time, you can become comfortable being an introvert in an extroverted world.
2
Be positive. Remember that every friendship has to start with a single conversation, and someone has to be willing to make the first move.^{[6]
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- Tell yourself, "I can do this. What's the worst that can happen?"
- Remember that your attitude is a huge factor in whether or not the conversation is successful. If you go into it expecting to develop a full-fledged friendship right off the bat, of course, you will be disappointed. But if you go into it with low expectations, just to be friendly for friendliness's sake, then you will undoubtedly succeed no matter how the other person reacts.
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Don't overthink the process of making friends. It's easy for introverts to worry about what other people think to the point that they are paralyzed and can't act.
- If thinking about how starting a conversation at school stresses you out, costs you sleep or makes it hard for you to concentrate on other things, it's not worth thinking about! Instead, focus on things you enjoy, and let the conversations come naturally.
4
Learn to read disinterest.^{[7]
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Research source} It's possible that someone you start a conversation with won't be interested in developing a friendship further. There are lots of reasons why:
- They could be disinterested: It's possible this person already has enough friends or a busy schedule that keeps them from wanting to pursue a friendship. Recognize that this is nothing personal and there are plenty of other people to befriend.
- They may dislike you: Not everyone will like you, and that's ok. It doesn't mean you're not likable, it just means this particular person has a different set of values or priorities than you do. You are better off not befriending someone who doesn't act like you.
- They are rude or boring. It's possible that they just don't have the personality you thought they did, and may not be someone you'd want to develop a relationship with anyway.
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Remember that number of friends does not matter. It's more important to have quality relationships than to have a lot of relationships-- as the old saying goes, "quality over quantity."^{[8]
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- Work on building a few good relationships with people who are genuine and kind rather than trying to have superficial relationships with more people.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I become friends with the new kid at school?

Katie Styzek
Professional School Counselor
Katie Styzek is a Professional School Counselor for Chicago Public Schools. Katie earned a BS in Elementary Education with a Concentration in Mathematics from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. She served as a middle school mathematics, science, and social studies teacher for three years prior to becoming a counselor. She holds a Master of Education (M.Ed.) in School Counseling from DePaul University and an MA in Educational Leadership from Northeastern Illinois University. Katie holds an Illinois School Counselor Endorsement License (Type 73 Service Personnel), an Illinois Principal License (formerly Type 75), and an Illinois Elementary Education Teaching License (Type 03, K – 9). She is also Nationally Board Certified in School Counseling from the National Board for Professional Teaching Standards.

Katie Styzek

Professional School Counselor

Expert Answer

Say “Hi” and introduce yourself with your name and grade. Ask them for the same information. You can also ask the new student where they moved from and how it’s going at the new school. See if they want to play together at recess or sit together at lunch.
Question

How can I talk at school if I'm really shy?

Community Answer

Try to start off with the people who also seem shy. Talking to these people helps to build confidence and it is a good starting point. Then, try to set goals for yourself and talk to someone new every day. When you're able to do this and you see that nothing bad happens, you'll feel a lot more comfortable.
Question

I noticed a guy in a hallway; he has a backpack of my favorite band. I really want to talk to him but I'm really shy, he seems shy, and he really doesn't talk to girls. What should I do?

Community Answer

Maybe point to his backpack and casually say, "I love that band!" and tell him why. Just start simply.