How to Stand up for Yourself when Your Best Friend Is Being a Jerk

Last Updated: June 9, 2022

Are you being bullied, put down or competed against by your own best friend? It isn't much fun to discover your best friend has turned into a sparring partner. Decide whether there is something worth salvaging here, then proceed to stop your friend from behaving like a jerk.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

What's up bestie?

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Think about what your best friend is usually like. Is this behavior typical of your best friend or is it something that appears to have started recently? If it has started recently, is there anything bothering your friend perhaps? Maybe something has changed in his or her life, at home or school, to make your friend behave in an unkind way. While this isn't an excuse to behave badly, it might help you to better understand where your friend is coming from.^{[1]
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2
Consider what your best friend is capable of. Nobody knows your best friend better than you, right? Sometimes girls or boys need to learn how to be a true friend. Back off for a while and see what happens. Don't answer when your friend talks; you can see what they will do from their reaction. If they are upset, you know your friend's not hurting you on purpose. If your friend's living her or his life just fine by being mean-spirited, then it's probable that you have a problem.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Coping with your own feelings

1
Let out your anger, sadness or disappointment. You could talk to your other best friend, or your teacher, or you mom, or your dad, or anyone in whom you have trust. Let people know you are angry, sad or disappointed and that your friendship isn't shaping up how you'd like it to be. Just make sure that whoever you talk to won't spread the word, or things will get tricky.^{[2]
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Consider writing down what is bothering you most. What things are hurting you about your friend's behavior? What feelings are you experiencing as a result? Writing it down can help you to clarify what is really going on, allowing you to develop a solid way of expressing yourself verbally when you confront your friend later.^{[3]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Confronting your friend

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Show your pain. Act a little strangely around your friend. Act depressed, angry or undeniably unhappy. See what your friend's reaction is to that. If you're depressed, see if they will cheer you up. If not, then your friend may not be invested in the friendship.
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Talk to your friend openly. Let your friend know you are upset with him or her. Tell your friend calmly, so that you won't both start a stupid fight with each other. Tell your friend that you can't take her or his harmful acts anymore. The worst thing she or he will do is push you back, but don't push your friend over the edge. He or she might get worse.^{[4]
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- Just don't get violent, that will get you both a trip to the principal's office.
3
Argue calmly. Stay calm, make eye contact and make strong points about the bad behavior and how it affects you. Do not name call or suggest that your friend has personality defects. Stay focused on the mean-spirited acts, the rudeness and the bad behavior. Do not repeat yourself.^{[5]
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- If your friend starts to swear or insult, you know they don't know what to say and are replacing words with insults and cusses while they think up a new point. This means that they know your points have validity. While they are vulnerable, throw your last few points in, with maybe a couple of references too, such as: "I believe that drinking at this age to make yourself seem bigger than everyone else is just sad. Addiction is serious." Then simply state that there is no point in carrying on this argument and that it's okay to be confused in your opinions but that that is no reason to be mean.
4
If your friend just doesn't get it, and won't back off and return to being a good friend, don't be this person's friend anymore. If this person has made it clear he or she is not willing to be a good friend to you, let it go or it will only continue to be harmful. Stay away from this friend and avoid her or him. Just think, it could be one of the best things you've ever done. There are new friends waiting out there for you to discover.
- It's time to reevaluate the relationship if your friend treats you badly or doesn't respect your boundaries.
- Look for friends who treat you well, aren't stuck in negative patterns, and are willing to grow and evolve with you. Each person should put about the same amount of effort and energy into the relationship.

Community Q&A

Question

My friend ruined our friendship, but blames me and causes others to blame me as well. What can I do?

wikiHow Contributor

Community Answer

Act like you aren't affected by it. Don't go looking for revenge and start fighting fire with fire. Rely on other friends and build new friendships. If they know you're being affected by the lies, that will just worsen it.
Question

My friend said she didn't want to be friends anymore but she was saying that so I would feel bad. Instead, I feel great. What should I do?

Community Answer

Your friend is a manipulative person. The fact that you didn't feel bad about not being friends anymore should tell you something. Ditch your old friend and move on.
Question

My friend has hit me and called me names. What can I do?

Community Answer

Stand up for yourself! If that doesn't work, find a new friend who is kind to you.

Warnings

If your friend gets violent with you, and hurts you, don't be afraid to tell a teacher, parent or someone in authority. This person will learn their lesson when they get sent down to the principal's office.

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