How to Repair Your Relationship With Your Estranged Parents

Last Updated: May 6, 2021

If you haven’t been in touch with your parents in a long time, you may want to try to reconnect with them. Long standing negative feelings can make it extremely difficult to begin to rebuild a bond with your parents, but by sharing in the responsibility and taking your time, you can begin to forge a new relationship based on shared understanding. There will be difficult emotions to contend with, but the benefits of bringing your parents back into your life can truly be worth it.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Healing Emotional Trauma

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Take responsibility for your part. As difficult as it may be to come to terms with, the first step to reconciling with your estranged parents is acknowledging the part you may have played in losing touch with them to begin with.^{[1]
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- Don’t blame yourself for the rift that developed, but be willing to acknowledge and accept that some of the blame may be yours for the time you’ve spent apart.
- The only way you and your parents will be able to reconcile is if you are each willing to shoulder some of the responsibility.
2
Acknowledge that they’re hurt too. It can be difficult to empathize with the pain of estranged parents. You may still have some very difficult feelings to work through, and when something or someone hurts you, it can be difficult to see beyond our own pain.^{[2]
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- Remember that sometimes the decisions we make when we’re hurt aren’t always good ones.
- Losing touch with a child can be especially painful, even if they don’t act like they’ve been hurt. Remember that not seeing the pain doesn’t mean it wasn’t there.
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3
Try to understand their perspective. Understanding what your parents were going through when you stopped communicating can help you forgive them, and appreciating what they may be experiencing now will make it easier to find common ground when you meet.^{[3]
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- Your parents may have been experiencing a low point in their lives when you stopped talking. Remember that parents are nothing more than people, and people struggle with internal and external challenges.
- All of the feelings of fear and anxiety you have about reconciling with your parents are probably going through their heads too.
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Move past blame. This is an important step that you will need to come to terms with at your own pace. You parents may have done things that truly hurt you, but by trying to consider their perspective and acknowledging that they have felt pain regarding losing you may help you to overcome the desire to blame them. Remember that blame won’t solve anything now, only love can.^{[4]
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- Acknowledge that you and your parents all share at least some responsibility for losing touch, but that doesn’t mean blame needs to be assigned.
- Instead of placing blame, focus on the future and how good it will feel to have your parents back in your life.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Meeting with Your Estranged Parents

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Set a time and place to talk. While seemingly simple, choosing a place to meet is important because you want to make sure everyone is comfortable and that you can speak without time constraints. Depending on how you and your parents feel, you may choose to meet at one of your homes or maybe a restaurant for dinner.^{[5]
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- Ask them if they have any preference as to a place you can meet. Depending on the nature of your relationship they may prefer a public place over one of your homes.
- Meeting at a restaurant offers everyone the ability to leave when they wish, instead of waiting for others to leave their home. That way if things get uncomfortable, you can excuse yourself.
- Try to choose a time and place that won’t limit the time you can spend talking so you aren’t forced to end your conversation earlier than you each wanted.
2
Be honest about your feelings. You may be tempted to simply act cordial when you meet with your parents for fear that you may lose touch again if you demonstrate any negative feelings. While it’s important to be polite, you need to be able to voice how you feel in order to begin the healing process.^{[6]
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- Use “I” statements like, “I felt abandoned when you left.” This keeps your emphasis on you and how you felt.
- Avoid making accusatory statements like “you never cared.” Instead say, “I felt like you didn’t care.” This allows for the possibility that you can only fully appreciate what was going on inside your mind and that you’re willing to hear what was going through theirs.
3
Say sorry if you are. You might regret some of the things you said or did before losing touch with your parents. If that’s the case, tell them so. Saying sorry can make you feel significantly better, and it can help make your parents feel more comfortable as they begin to understand that you are willing to accept a share of the responsibility.^{[7]
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- No one wants to feel attacked, and by acknowledging that you made mistakes and that you’re sorry for them, you invite your parents to do the same.
- Apologizing can make you feel better too. If you’ve felt guilty about something for many years, apologizing can feel very freeing; like taking a weight off of your shoulders.
4
Keep an open mind. You may have an idea of what you hope will be said, or things you hope will happen when you meet with your parents, but try not to place too much emphasis on what you hope will happen. Instead allow things to progress naturally without being disappointed that they didn’t live up to your expectations.^{[8]
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- You may be surprised by some of the things your parents have to say. Keeping an open mind will limit the chances of feeling let down that things didn’t progress exactly how you’d hoped.
- Everyone processes their feelings in different ways, and sometimes it may take a little longer for some people than it does for others to come around.
5
Discuss where to go from here. After meeting with your parents, you may want to bring up what comes next before you leave. You may want to set a time and place where you can meet up again. Saying you’d like to continue to see one another can help you and your parents both understand that you hope to end the time you spent without each other in your lives.^{[9]
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- Your parents may be surprised and pleased to know that you’d like to see them again and that your meeting isn’t simply a one-time thing.
- Remember that healing will take time, both for you and for them. Setting up another time and place to meet in the future will give you each time to process what has gone on and come back again fresh.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Moving Forward Together

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Consider going to counseling. If you and your parents feel it is necessary, you may want to seek out the services of a family counselor that can help you and your parents work through some of your more difficult feelings.
- Counselors can offer suggestions for things you and your parents can do to reconnect after so many years apart.
- Working with a counselor can help ensure your conversations don’t stray into unproductive or hurtful territory like blaming one another and not trying to understand each other’s feelings.
2
Validate their presence in your life. Giving your parents validation for their presence in your life can help strengthen the new bonds that you are creating. Ask them for advice on things they know a lot about, or let them help you with a project around the house.
- Giving a productive reason for continued interaction with your parents can help you establish new and beneficial emotional connections with them.
- Your parents likely want to help, so by making subtle gestures like simply asking their opinions on what new car to buy, what color to paint your living room or where to get a good deal on a new grill can make them feel like they’re bringing something positive to the table.
3
Be there for them. As your new relationship develops with your parents, remember that positive relationships are two way streets. You may want your parents to be there for you as they haven’t been in a long time, but they may also be struggling with emotions that they aren’t sure how to deal with.^{[10]
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- Be patient and understanding when your parents open up to you about their struggles.
- Say things like, “I’m here for you, that’s what family is for,” to emphasize the bond you are recreating with them and that it’s a relationship you are willing to work to maintain.
4
Keep realistic expectations. Remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither are good relationships. There will be challenges, hurt feelings, and maybe even arguments as you work to re-build your bond with your parents. Allow your relationship to develop as slowly as it needs to, and allow your parents (and yourself) an opportunity to take a step back and process your feelings at your own pace.
- Don’t expect everything to feel better right away. Long standing emotions take time to dissipate.
- Your parents may not respond as quickly as you do, or you may have trouble overcoming some feelings that they don’t. Respect that each of you will have to process your new relationship in your own way.