How to Refuse Sexual Advances

Co-authored by Collette Gee and Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA

Last Updated: October 13, 2022

When you're the target of unwanted sexual advances, getting out of the situation can feel tricky. It's normal to feel a bit flustered when someone makes an unwanted advance, especially if they're using flattery or being aggressive. However, you don't owe anyone anything, including excuses or apologies. Whether the advances are from a friend, someone you've just met, or a person in your workplace, you have the right say “no” and have your choice respected.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Rejecting Sexual Advances From a Friend

1
Directly tell them “no.” It's normal to want to gently let down a friend, but the only way to make it clear how you feel is to use the word no.^{[1]
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Research source} Telling them that you don't think that it would work out, that you aren't right for each other, or that you aren't ready for a relationship right now will leave the door open for future possibilities. This can lead to more advances and hurt feelings. It's best to leave out any ambiguity.
- Say, “I enjoy having you as a friend, but I'm not interested in a romantic relationship.”
- Don't add conditions to the no. For example, don't say, “I'm already seeing someone.”
2
Keep your distance. Your body language is important because making the wrong moves can undermine your refusal. Avoid the temptation to comfort the person with a hug, touching, or sitting close together. Instead, create space between you, cross your arms over your body, and keep your facial expression serious.^{[2]
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3
Avoid explaining your rejection. You don't have to explain your choices, so state your refusal and then leave it alone.^{[3]
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Research source} If the person presses you, say, “I've already said I'm not interested.”
- Never apologize for how you feel.
- Don't engage in a conversation with them if they are trying to convince you to change your mind.
4
Avoid implying that things could be different under other circumstances. It might feel easier to tell them that things might go differently if you were single, if the situation were different, or if you didn't have something else to do, but this will only make the situation worse. They will think that there is still a chance and that you really are interested.^{[4]
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- For example, don't say, “Maybe if there weren't so many people at this party,” or “I have to get up early tomorrow.”
- Instead, say, “I'm not interested in sex.”
5
Walk away. If they ask again or want to talk about why you said no, firmly repeat your refusal and walk away. Don't engage in any other conversations with them.^{[5]
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- Tell your other friends if you feel uncomfortable or afraid.
6
Reconsider the friendship. If a friend disrespects you and your choices, then they aren't a real friend. You may need to drop a friend who has pressured you to have sex or continues to make advances after you have stated your desire not to engage in those behaviors with them.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Turning Down Advances in a Bar

1
Refuse any offered drinks. Don't accept a drink from someone who is making unwanted advances, even if they order and pay for the drink anyway. They are trying to obligate you to give them your attention, and you don't have to accept that pressure.
- Say, “Thanks, but I'm not interested.”
- If they buy the drink anyway, say, “I told you that I'm not interested. You can give that drink to someone else.”
- In general, you should buy your own drinks whenever possible. It's risky to take drinks from others, especially if you didn't see them order the drink, because the drink could be drugged.^{[6]
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  Expert Source
  
  Collette Gee
  Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist
  Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.}
2
Be firm and direct. Don't try to be nice by dodging the question or giving an indirect response. Using a serious tone, tell them that you aren't interested.^{[7]
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- Don't say “Oh, tonight I'm focusing on my friends.”
- Do say “No, thanks. I'm not interested.”
3
Use your body language. Support your statements with your nonverbal gestures. Back away from the person, and put your hand up as if to say “stop.” Keep your body rigid and your face stern. ^{[8]
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- Maintain your personal space.
4
Move away from the individual. Minimize your contact with the person. After you tell them no, walk away and put distance in between you and the person making the advances. Focus your attention on who you came with or enjoying the atmosphere of the place.
5
Tell your friends about the unwanted attention. Your friends can help you monitor the situation and avoid interacting with the person again. They can also help you in the event that the person decides to harass you.
- Say, “That guy over at the bar just asked me to go home with him. I said, 'No,' but could you guys let me know if he starts walking this way?”
6
Notify the bartender or security if the person refuses to leave you alone.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Collette Gee
Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist
Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.} The staff can help you if the individual persists, especially if the behavior turns into harassment. They may even be able to remove the person from the establishment.
- Call a taxi, driving service, or friend if the situation escalates so that you don't have to go home alone.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Dealing with Advances in the Workplace

1
Maintain a professional demeanor. Show them that you are only interested in your professional relationship by avoiding casual language or gestures. When you keep the conversation focused on professional topics, you show them that you aren't interested in anything romantic.^{[10]
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- If they ask for personal details, turn it back to the workplace. Say, “We need to focus on meeting this deadline, so let's limit our conversation to work topics.”
2
Tell them that you aren't interested. Sexual advances at work can be tricky since they can come from a boss, client, or coworker, any of which can put your career in jeopardy. Make it clear that you aren't interested in their advances. Be firm, then transition back to work topics. This technique can redirect their attention without seeming rude.^{[11]
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- Say, "I agreed to this meeting to discuss the project we're working on, and that's all I'm interested in discussing.”
3
Limit contact with the individual. Notify your boss or HR about the inappropriate advances, and ask what changes you can make to create distance between you and the individual. If you can, avoid spending one-on-one time with the person.^{[12]
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- After they make an advance toward you, keep all meetings in a professional environment. For example, don't go to one-on-one lunch meetings or out to coffee.
- Ask a coworker to help provide a buffer between the two of you.
4
Document everything. Write down each thing that happens, as well as how many times that it happens. You'll need a record of the events and what was said in order to file an official complaint. This record can also get your workplace to take you seriously if you need to switch projects or clients to avoid the individual.^{[13]
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- Tell trusted coworkers to be on the lookout for this behavior so they can serve as witnesses if you need to make a report.
5
Report the advances to your boss or HR if it continues. While you may not want to report a single incident, if the person continues to come onto you at work, whether it's a coworker or a client, you need to report it to your boss or HR. Bring a detailed list of everything that has transpired.^{[14]
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- Don't focus your complaint on your feelings, but do tell your boss or HR if the behavior feels like harassment or has created a hostile working environment.
6
Discontinue the business relationship if the behavior continues. While it's hard to pass up a business opportunity, allowing someone to wreck your reputation or constantly harass you is not acceptable. Set firm boundaries by discontinuing your work together.^{[15]
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- Try to switch your project or client with another coworker.
- Document the reason why you stopped working with that person.

Expert Q&A
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Question

How do I protect myself from people making unwanted advances?

Collette Gee
Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist
Collette Gee is a Relationship Coach, Certified Violence Prevention Specialist, the Author of "Finding Happily… No Rules, No Frogs, No Pretending." Focusing on creating meaningful romantic relationships, Collette uses her experience having worked in the mental health industry as a psych nurse to conduct relationship coaching, online courses, and workshops to help women and men find lasting love. Prior to Collette's coaching business, she worked in the mental health field as a psych nurse which has helped inform her practice to create and sustain happy, healthy meaningful romantic relationships. Her work has been featured on TLC, London Live, the Huffington Post, and CNN.

Collette Gee

Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

If they keep making advances, it's probably best to leave the situation. Remember, you don't have to offer an explanation for leaving. Joining a group of friends may also help stop the person from bothering you anymore since they won't want to be called out by others.
Question

What should I do if someone keeps putting their hand on my back and shoulder but I'm not interested?

Collette Gee
Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist
Collette Gee is a Relationship Coach, Certified Violence Prevention Specialist, the Author of "Finding Happily… No Rules, No Frogs, No Pretending." Focusing on creating meaningful romantic relationships, Collette uses her experience having worked in the mental health industry as a psych nurse to conduct relationship coaching, online courses, and workshops to help women and men find lasting love. Prior to Collette's coaching business, she worked in the mental health field as a psych nurse which has helped inform her practice to create and sustain happy, healthy meaningful romantic relationships. Her work has been featured on TLC, London Live, the Huffington Post, and CNN.

Collette Gee

Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

If you want to politely get them to stop without causing a scene, try moving their hand off of you using a firm grip. If they're not getting the hint, get up and walk away from the situation. Look for a group of people you can surround yourself with. If the person keeps bothering you, let someone know.

Warnings

Make sure that you document any workplace incidents, even if you think they are innocent. You will need a record of the advances if you decide to file a report.

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Rejecting sexual advances can lead to violence, so be prepared to exit the situation quickly. While it's unfair, your safety is the top priority.

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