How to React when Attracted to Someone Not Your Type

Co-authored by Lisa Shield

Last Updated: October 17, 2022 References

Most people have a type, whether it be good or bad. If you find yourself deviating from your type, this can be a good thing. Spend some time considering your type and why it might change. If you think it could be a positive shift, be open and positive in pursuing the person. However, if you think it could be negative or bring out bad parts of yourself, recognize why you’re attracted to the person but stay away. If you do decide to pursue this person, keep an open mind and allow yourself to have new experiences.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Examining Your Attitudes

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Recognize that tastes can change. Your preferences can change frequently, so why would your choice in partners be any different? If you’re surprised by who you’re attracted to, consider the many factors that may be in play. For example, you may be attracted to their pheromones or feel connected in a strong intellectual way rather than physical way.^{[1]
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- If you notice your tastes changing or that you’re surprised in who you’re attracted to, accept these changes and don’t fight against them.
2
Be open. Perhaps you’re drawn to someone new because what has worked before isn’t working now. For example, the kind of partner you were interested in during college may not be the kind of person you’re interested in now in your 30’s. Be open to exploring it and surprising yourself.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 11 March 2021} It may open up new parts of yourself that you’ve never discovered before.^{[3]
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- Don’t immediately shrug off the attraction you feel. Be open to exploring.
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3
Ask yourself if this person is better for you. If you find yourself attracted to someone who might actually be good for you (for once), see what has changed for you. Perhaps you’ve matured and want a better fit. You may have gained clarity on something in your own life, which has extended to making different decisions for your romantic relationships.
- For example, if you’ve been drawn to powerful men in the past yet it’s consistently ended badly, you may have learned to empower yourself. Now, you might want a man who is more balanced with you.
- Give yourself some credit for the growth you have made.

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Noticing Positives in the Person

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Examine their positive traits. You might be attracted to someone because they are different. Think about the positive things that make them different from other people you’ve been interested in. Perhaps this person shows more love and respect than you’ve experienced before. They might show support in a way that you’ve never known. Think about the positive things they bring that may be attractive to you.^{[4]
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- For example, notice if they’re patient and calm, even if you don’t feel patient and calm.
2
Focus less on looks. If you find yourself attracted to someone who doesn’t fit your type based on looks, be open to experiencing attraction in different ways. You might be more attracted to this person for who they are and less for how they appear.^{[5]
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- Attraction can happen on many fronts. If you’re less physically attracted to someone yet still feel attraction toward them, it might be their charisma, intellect, or relatability.
3
Understand that attraction can grow. Attraction to someone goes beyond physical sex appeal. While you may not feel immediately attracted to someone by their looks, you might find that you become emotionally or intellectually attracted to them. As you build a connection, you might begin to feel more sexually attracted to them, even if it wasn’t there at first. Focus on what you desire about the person and allow that to unfold.^{[6]
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- If you’re surprised by your attraction to someone, see where it goes. It might lead to more attraction to them overall.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Taking Precautions

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Notice bad patterns occurring. While someone might look different from others you’ve dated, they might have similar qualities or personalities. For example, if you tend to date people who are controlling, they might be controlling in different ways, but are still controlling. Stay clear of people who exhibit signs of bad patterns from your past.^{[7]
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- For example, you may have dated materialistic people who had fancy cars. If you find someone new who doesn’t have fancy cars but spends lots of money on their appearance and clothes, you still like a materialistic person, it just looks different.
2
Ask yourself if you’re making excuses. If you’re attracted to someone then realize that they trigger some old habits, take note. For example, if you’ve just quit smoking then meet someone you’re attracted to who smokes, question your attraction to them. You might just want an excuse to justify your behavior to go back to smoking.
- For example, if you’re an alcoholic, you might be attracted to other people who also drink in excess, even if they are very different from you. Notice if your attraction is based on something that might be harmful to you.
3
Be cautious. If you find that you’re attracted to someone you know is trouble, stay away. It’s one thing to be attracted to someone, yet it’s another to act on the attraction. If you know someone is violent, dramatic, or a bad partner, acknowledge your attraction but stay far away. Some warning signs to look out for include possessiveness, mood swings, pressuring you to do things, and explosive anger.^{[8]
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- Don’t involve yourself with someone you consider dangerous or violent.
4
See a therapist. If you find yourself always choosing the ‘wrong’ people in your love life, consider seeing a therapist. You may gain some insight as to why you’re attracted to people that are not ultimately good for you. If you’ve experienced trauma in the past and bring that to relationships, therapy can help you work through the trauma and move on with your life.^{[9]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- Therapy can help you learn more about yourself and your patterns. Then, you can begin to create more positive patterns for your life.

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Pursuing the Person

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Ask yourself what you want. If you’re surprised and wonder why you’re attracted to someone, ask yourself if they fit in with the kind of person you want right now. For example, if you’re newly single and want to flirt with new people, you might be interested in people who flirt back or show an interest in you. Depending on what you want, act accordingly.^{[10]
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- If you want a fling and someone is available, then you might want to go for it. However, if you want a committed relationship and the person wants a fling, this ultimately does not align with what you want.
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Try something new. If you tend to date people who are not a good fit for you, try to initiate something with this person. If it doesn’t feel natural at first, that’s okay. Give it a shot and see what happens. If you’re trying to break bad patterns, give someone who doesn’t fit your type a chance.^{[11]
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- Give yourself some time to adjust. Dating someone entirely new might feel uncomfortable at first, but give it a real chance to see if it might work well.
3
Avoid using someone. Don’t just pursue someone because you want to see if you’re capable of liking them. Don’t lead someone on or play with their emotions, especially if their feelings are involved. It’s okay to try new things and date different people. However, if you know you are not emotionally invested, be honest with the person and tell them your intentions.
- If you’re unsure about dating someone, don’t promise them commitments. Ask for more time in defining the relationship until you know what you want.

Expert Q&A

Question

Can I be attracted to someone who isn't my type?

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.

Lisa Shield

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

If you have feelings for them, it might be worth a shot trying out. Don't be afraid to open yourself up.
Question

Can your type ever change?

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.

Lisa Shield

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Yes, your type can change as you grow as a person. A partner who is great for you when you're in college might not be the best fit for you when you're in your 30s. Be open to letting yourself pursue relationships that work for where you are in life now.