How to Make a Guy Want You More than Sexually

Co-authored by Connell Barrett and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: June 13, 2022 References

If you’re searching for a serious relationship, it can feel like every potential partner you meet is just looking for something casual. Late night booty calls and hookups are fine, but they usually don’t lead to a long-term partnership. Thankfully, there are a few ways you can turn the tables and make a guy want you more than just sexually.

1

Be clear about your expectations.

Let him know from the start that you want a real relationship. You can even talk about this on the first date or the first time you two meet up. As you chat about what you’re looking for in a potential partner, tell him that you want commitment, not just a hookup.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- For instance, you might say, “I know a lot of people our age are looking for something casual, but I’d really like to find someone serious. What are you looking for?”
- If he says he’s just looking for a hookup, that might be your cue to leave and find someone else.

2

Spend quality time together.

Go out on dates and hang out one on one. Try to see each other face-to-face at least once a week, especially when you two are still getting to know each other. The more you can spend time together doing fun stuff, the more you two will connect on a deeper level.^{[2]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- When you two hang out, spend your time chatting or doing activities together instead of just watching a movie or playing video games.

3

Ask him questions about his life.

Get to know him for who he is. As you two spend time together, stay curious about his wants, needs, passions, and goals in life. Learn more about his background and where he was before you met him, plus what he wants to do in the future. It will strengthen your connection and make him realize that you like him for him, not just for sex.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- For instance, you might ask, “What are your goals in the next 10 years?” “How was your childhood growing up?” “Do you get along with your parents?” “What’s one thing you would have done differently in the past?”
- If he’s a good conversationalist, he’ll ask you some of the same questions so you two can both get to know each other.

4

Sleep with him after the second or third date.

Try not to have sex with him the first time you meet up. While it might feel like the right thing to do if the chemistry is flowing, it could paint a picture about what you’re after. Instead, wait until the second or third time you two hang out to sleep together. Try to get to know him and make a connection first.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- If you do sleep with him on the first date, that’s fine, too! Just make sure you set clear boundaries and expectations about what you want.

5

Ignore any late night booty calls.

Don’t drop everything to go spend the night at his house. If you get a “You up?” text late at night, just ignore it. You can talk to him in the morning about how you’re not just going to be his hookup option.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- If you make yourself available as a booty call, he’s more likely to view you as something casual instead of a potential partner.

6

Don’t sext with him.

Sexting is fun, but it can send the wrong message. If you two aren’t together, he might reach out with a flirty or suggestive message. Just let him know that you two can chat when you’re together in person, and try not to respond to any sexual messages.^{[6]
X
Research source}^{[7]
X
Research source}
- If all your interactions revolve around sex or having sex, your relationship has the potential to stay casual.

7

Let him chase you a little.

Make sure he’s initiating dates and hangouts as much as you are. If he texts and asks to hang out, don’t respond right away. Or, say that you’re busy that day, and ask to reschedule. If you can keep an air of mystery around yourself, he’s more likely to stay interested.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- Try to keep the initiation about 50/50. If he realizes he’s always reaching out to you first, he might get discouraged.

8

Hang out with him after you have sex.

Don’t leave right after you two do the deed. Instead, stay with him and do some pillow talk or make a late night snack. You could even sleep over if he’ll let you. It will solidify in his mind that you’re relationship material and not just a hookup.^{[9]
X
Research source}
- If you two are at your place, ask him to spend the night.

9

Don’t sleep with him on every date.

Leave him hanging every once in a while to keep him on his toes. If you just went out on an awesome date and he thinks he’s going to get lucky again tonight, tell him you have to head home. If he assumes he can sleep with you every time he sees you, he might assume that’s all you want out of the relationship.^{[10]
X
Research source}
- You can try to do this every third or fourth time you two see each other.

10

Keep your outside interests and friendships.

Let him know you have a life outside of him. If you have plans and he texts you to ask for a date, tell him you’re busy. Make sure that he knows you have other interests and things to do besides hang out with him.^{[11]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- You can also post pics on social media of when you’re out and about.

11

Stay confident.

Don’t bend your rules for anyone. If it doesn’t work out with this guy, it’s bound to work out with someone else. Don’t sacrifice your values for anyone, and remember that you’re an awesome person who deserves to be treated the right way.^{[12]
X
Research source}
- There are plenty of guys out there who won’t just treat you like a hookup.